At Christmas time men and women everywhere gather in their churches to wonder anew at the greatest miracle the world has ever known. But the story I like best to recall was not a miracle — not exactly. It happened to a pastor who was very young but his church was very old.
Once long ago it had flourished. Famous men had preached from its pulpit and prayed before its altar. Rich and poor alike had worshipped there and built it beautifully. Now the good days had passed from the section of town where it stood. But the pastor and his young wife believed in their run-down church. They felt that with paint, hammer, and faith they could get it in shape. Together they went to work.
However late in December a severe storm whipped through the river valley and the worst blow fell on the little church — a huge chunk of rain-soaked plaster fell out of the inside wall just behind the altar. Sorrowfully the pastor and his wife swept away the mess but they couldn’t hide the ragged hole. The pastor looked at it and had to remind himself quickly, “Thy will be done!” But his wife wept, “Christmas is only two days away!”
That afternoon the dispirited couple attended an auction held for the benefit of a youth group. The auctioneer opened a box and shook out of its folds a handsome gold and ivory lace tablecloth. It was a magnificent item, nearly 15 feet long; but it, too, dated from a long vanished era. Who, today, had any use for such a thing?
There were a few halfhearted bids. Then the pastor was seized with what he thought was a great idea. He bid it in for $6.50. He carried the cloth back to the church and tacked it up on the wall behind the altar. It completely hid the hole! And the extraordinary beauty of its shimmering handwork cast a fine, holiday glow over the chancel. It was a great triumph. Happily he went back to preparing his Christmas sermon.
Just before noon on the day of Christmas Eve as the pastor was opening the church, he noticed a woman standing in the cold at the bus stop. “The bus won’t be here for 40 minutes!” he called and invited her into the church to get warm. She told him that she had come from the city that morning to be interviewed for a job as governess to the children of one of the wealthy families in town but she had been turned down. A war refugee, her English was imperfect.
The woman sat down in a pew and chafed her hands and rested. After a while she dropped her head and prayed. She looked up as the pastor began to adjust the great gold and ivory cloth across the hole. She rose suddenly and walked up the steps of the chancel. She looked at the tablecloth. The pastor smiled
Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, 'It’s dark in here isn’t it?' The other replied, 'I don’t know; I can’t see.'
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, 'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied, 'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'
How can you make a blonde go on the roof? Tell her that drinks are on the house.
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic
after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night.
I wonder if Mildred still gossips
WD-40 Well, Who Knew...? A WONDERFUL FIXER UP
WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewellery chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favourite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favourite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no
time.
Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and
. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
Nine words Women Use ( Men take Note)
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE 1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed,this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatementoften misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.That will bring on a 'whatever').
8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Fu YOU!
9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why hasn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out.....
English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all.)
That is why:
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would the still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a s in it?
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?
Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it? ,
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same?
If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
T"ennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Question: "How did people know about God before the Bible?"
Answer: Even though people did not have the Word of God, they were not without the ability to receive, understand and obey God before there was a Bible as we know it. In fact, there are many areas of the world today where Bibles are not available, yet people still can and do know about God. The issue is one of revelation—God’s revealing to man what He wants us to know and understand about Himself. While there has not always been a Bible, there have always been means for man to receive and understand God’s revelation. There are two categories of revelation, general and special.
General revelation deals with that revelation from God universally to all mankind. The external aspect of general revelation are those things which God must be the cause or source of. Because these things exist, God must also exist in order to have put them into existence. Romans 1:20 tells us “For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse.”
So all men and women everywhere can look at the creation and know that God exists. Psalm 19:1-4 further explains that the creation speaks clearly of God in a language that all understand. “There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard” (verse 3). The revelation from nature is clear. No one can excuse himself because of ignorance. There is no alibi for the atheist, and there is no excuse for the agnostic.
Another aspect of general revelation—that which God has revealed to everyone—is in the existence of our conscience. This is internal. “What may be known of God is manifest in them” (Romans 1:19). People today, because of what they have on the inside, are conscious that God exists. These two aspects of general revelation are clearly seen in the countless stories of missionaries coming upon native tribes who have never seen a Bible or heard of Jesus. Yet, when the plan of salvation is presented to them, they know that God exists because they see evidence of Him in nature, and they know they need a Savior because their consciences convict them of their sin and their need of Him.
It happened at work in a store in Inglewood, L.A. an all black neighbourhood.
In the afternoon, I overheard one of the men saying to another man, to go to hell. I walked over to them and asked the one who had sent the other to hell, why he had wished the other man to go to hell. Surprised, he did not know what to say, so I said it for him; "Because you don't like him right?"
Almost grateful to now have the answer, he nodded his head. "Well, I said; “Maybe next time, you should wish him to go to heaven, then at least the two of you, will be separated.”
Unbeknown to me, the late night man or boy really, had come in and he had overheard everything. He asked me if he could ask me some questions.
He said he was really afraid to do so as he was thinking it might take away from my faith.
How sweet of him to be so concerned for me while he needed answers for him self.
I assured him not to worry about me, as I myself had been having many questions. Besides I told him, someone had to answer your questions.
He had many sincere questions and kept needing, reassurance that I would not lose my faith, if he asked them. I answered him as best as I could and promised him a book to read. The next day I gave him; "The Rapture".
In those days I was send from store to store but I did not work in that particular store again. I wanted my book back as I couldn't buy another one it was now out of print.
About four weeks after I had lent out my book, I saw him on the parking lot with a few friends. I decided not to say anything, as I did not want to embarrass him in front of them. Not to worry, the moment he saw me he said; “Hello Jenny, I still have your book.” I told him that I knew, and if he wanted to read another book. Eyes large as saucers he said; "Oh no,” I want to read it all again, 'cause it is blowing my mind!”
This in an accent, that only a Los Angeles, black man can do! Priceless!
I know that I will meet that brother again on the other side and the friends he had with him that day, were also Christians.
And by the way, keep the book!
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