Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 3:26 PM CST
you have no idea....
Last December I met my match, or so I thought anyway. We stayed friends for a couple of months before taking it to the next level, and by that, I mean he came right out and professed his love for me. Of course, I felt the same. We were very in love, and became engaged within time as well. The only thing that caused any sort of problems for us was the distance, and the distance was hardly anything, but I hardly got the opportunity to go see him with school keeping me busy, and not to mention, he never had the time for me. We went camping once and it was the most unconventionally romantic two days you could imagine. When it came time to say goodbye, I could hardly tear myself away. Part of me knew that was the last time I would see him, and it was. We broke up a month later because he never had the time to see me, and I became impatient. I told him it wouldn't be forever, but apparently it wasn't my choice. Since the breakup, we've only talked a handful of times, every time except maybe once had resulted in a fight. The one time being last night. We had a normal conversation like we always had, we were being stupid with each other and talking about nothing in particular, and it was great until it got serious. I asked him if he's been talking to any ladies, and he said "um yeah, sort of". I shouldn't have asked what that meant, but I did. He told me he's engaged to one of his exes. When we dated he never had anything positive to say about any of his exes, so I was very shocked. It felt like he had just hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Every time I've talked to him since the breakup, I have made it very clear that I still love him. The last time we really talked, we got into a huge fight because of it. I told him I still love him, he told me he "can't be what I need him to be". When he told me he was engaged, my heart shattered. I knew I'd never love anyone as much as I love him. Not even past tense, I still love him, I will always love him. I ended up crying myself to sleep, tossing and turning for three hours, waking up and crying more. I've never felt like this, I've never let someone break me down like this. I'm so hurt.
How do you even recover from something like this...? 
Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:55 AM CST
Third Wheel.
Every time I hang out with my friends, they insist on bringing their boyfriends/potential boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm never making someone else be the third wheel! I don't think I could, I know how it feels. It's not fun, it hurts. It's not bad enough that I have to put up with not having anybody, but when my friends are rubbing it in my face, that's what really hurts. Like hey look, I have what you want, so I'm gonna kiss him and hug him and cuddle him while you drive and pout. Fuck that, I'm done with that shit. 
Posted: Mon May 4, 2009 8:03 PM CST
what my heart looks like.
looks like someone stepped on it.
looks like its been dropped.
looks like its losing its color.
looks like its falling apart.
looks like its been hit with a hammer.
looks like its about to crumble.
looks like its been glued together.
looks like its missing most of its pieces.
looks like it doesn't want to work.
looks like it needs cpr.
looks like its had enough
of everyone walking all over it.
it won't let anyone in,
it won't let the past out.
it feels much colder than ever before.
it won't let me give it away anymore,
it tells me it can't take another break.
that's it then, i'm done.
Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 7:06 PM CST
sometimes its just not what it seems.
We were in love. So whats the problem?
Distance. And the fact that he's too busy to see me.
I left him, not the other way around.
Back to square one.
I need someone that will actually be there for me. That will make time for me. It's not fair that I have to sit around and wait to fit into his schedule. I know he loves me and all, but I cant stand the distance.
2 months, now it's over.
I felt bad, not for long apparently. I cant commit, its hard for me. Even harder when he's not around.
So much for love. Next.
Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:53 AM CST
to any of you feeling discouraged by love.
My last blog on this site was a poem I wrote about a heartbreak.
This one is the opposite.
I met Luke on a dating site.
The same boy I posted that blog about is now the one person I want to be with forever.
He didn't hurt me. I got scared, because he lives two hours away, and every time I was supposed to see him, something came up and it didn't happen. So I ran away...
I couldn't stay away for long. A few weeks later, that same boy finally worked up the guts to tell me how he feels about me.
And he was afraid as well, that I wouldn't feel the same.
He told me he loves me.
It's been a month Thursday that he told me that.
Since then, we've met.
I fell for him all over again.
We went camping at the lake.
We spent the day sitting and talking, making cheap shots at each other. It was perfect.
When it got dark it started to get cold, so we went to the van. Luke and I slept in a van, in a bed. "Slept". And no nothing like THAT happened. We laid together, in each others' arms, looking out the window behind us at the stars and the moon....talking, making plans, talking about how perfect this was...kissing until my lips were raw...what felt like an hour was actually seven.
The next day when I had to say goodbye I got in the car and thought I left something in the van, but I knew I didn't...
I ran back and opened the door and there he was, and he looks at me like he knew I was going to come back the whole time...and I said "you knew I was coming back" and he just said yep, sat up, grabbed me and kissed and hugged me...and I cried on his shoulder...my sister honked the horn telling me to hurry, and I just looked at him...and he said "i love you...always will."
That was the best two days of my life. Being with him, knowing how incredible it is to be with someone you love. And I knew, the first time we looked into each others eyes. This is so corny, but it's all so true...it's like, some sort of fucked up fairy tale...
I was so sure I'd never find someone, and I not only found someone, I found the one person I've always wanted...the one God created for me. The one that makes all of the pain go away. The one that makes everything worth the fight...everything makes sense now. All the times I hurt and knew everything happens for a reason but couldn't possibly think of a reason for me to hurt this bad...there's a reason I survived it all...and it all comes down to this. Somebody I couldn't possibly see myself living without. Somebody I can give everything to and get the exact same in return...
If I've ever been sure of anything in my life, I know I'm sure of at least one thing.
I love you. With every ounce of everything I have to give, I love you, and I will never stop...not even in death. When God comes back for us, I'll be there holding your hand. And if I go first, I'll be waiting at the gates.
I found my reason to live, and I hope everyone on this site finds what I have right now.
I won't be on this site anymore, not much of a reason to be on here. But to anyone who reads this...don't give up. That person is out there. The meaning of love might be so ultimately distorted by the times, but it does exist...and if you have the privilege of knowing what it really feels like, you'll never want to let it go...
Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:30 AM CST
I quit.
My heart just broke for the very last time.
It won't happen again.
I put myself out there, despite my fears, to one person,
Only to get hurt in the end.
To feel that all familiar feeling,
The twinge in my chest.
The feeling that never fails to bring me to tears,
To make me feel like death would hurt less.
I've had all I can take,
I quit.
Posted: Sun Jan 4, 2009 1:10 PM CST
My Angel
If not all angels have wings,
If not all angels are saints,
Would you be mine
And carry me to the light?
You're the most beautiful stranger
The most saintly creature
Everything I wish I could be,
But I never got my wings,
Never got my chance,
Never found my strength.
A being of innocence,
Just looking for trouble,
For anything out of the ordinary,
Out of your ordinary,
Different from your perfect life
One worthy of envy, but sure
Despite what everyone seems to think,
You, like all of us, are human
You feel, sadness, pain, happiness,
Everything we feel,
Yet people hold you up so high
Like some kind of god
Like an angel without wings.
wrote this at 6am this morning...when i should've been sleeping.
Posted: Sun Jan 4, 2009 1:25 AM CST
Stumble.
Step forward
Once, twice, fall,
Pick myself up, keep on
Every fall leaves a bruise
Every heartbreak leaves a mark
Every lie leaves a scar
Every rejection makes me sick
To my stomach,
What is it now, what's the problem?
I won't ask questions
About myself, what's wrong with me
No answers, no truth, no honesty
What is it you don't see
What is it wrong with me
Wrong enough,
Bad enough that you can't love me for me
Not the image but the mind
What's hidden behind
What I see in the mirror,
All the bruises
All the marks
All the scars,
Make me wonder,
Is this search worth the wait?
Is this process worth the ache?
Is looking for love worth the pain?
Or should I just give it up?
Step forward,
Once, twice, stumble...
Posted: Sat Jan 3, 2009 2:15 AM CST
The Consequence.
This is what I feel
For once, it's all real
For once, I take my mistake and learn from it
To think I said I loved you, I laugh at the thought of it
Hilarity, so much humor in three small words
Desparity, must have taken a hold on me
Honesty, you don't even know the meaning
True love is not a verb but a noun, thrown around,
Like gravity, everything dropped will hit the ground
You took me for granted, to the earth I fell
But in comparison to you, I have all the class in the world
And all the conceit it takes to brush myself off
Like nothing, like you're nothing, like it's nothing
Pathetic, I feel bad for any other girl
That you say those three simple words to
That believes a single word you have to say
That falls for you and everything you're not
That thinks they know you, the real you,
Not what you've led the world to believe!
You were a mistake, a mistake,
I learned from this, learned from you, a valuable lesson
One that will stick to me, that won't waste away
Like the lie of a love I thought we had
Won't lead you to believe I bled
Any ounce of pain or despair from you, not a bit
Not a tear, not a drop of regret
You were the most humiliating mistake
It never once crossed my mind that you were fake
That everything you said was a lie!
You make me sick,
You're a waste of space and earth and breath
Just another name on my list of mistakes
One that provides no hurt, no sadness, no pain,
Only hilarity, entertainment.
You're out, you're gone, no more,
Forget everything I said to you, whore
You think you can still lie to everyone now?
Try telling them now, bitch, your secret is out...