Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:22 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 2 Num 6
Saturday March 14:
I keep forgetting where the blog button is so I can enter a blog entry. You have to go to "Blogs." As opposed to "My Blogs" Doh!
I rebuilt the old Rat-bike as best I could. Can't quite get the rear deraileurs adjusted. They were working perfectly but as soon as I put them under load they wouldn't shift properly again. Damnit! Anyway, the wheels are slightly buckled and it doesn't make for a very good ride. I can't do anything about that at the moment. I have to leave that to the experts.
I still can't find the right replacement bike. I don't want to go to something like I had. That would be just too heart breaking. I am totally consumed by this. I can't sleep and I can hardly stay awake. It's driving me nuts. Well, Ok More nuts. In fact I bought a packet of nuts today. I feel like I've just been involved in canabalism. Like I just ate fellow nuts.
Anyway, I wish someone would tell me what bike to buy. I'm getting despreate for a ride.
I was thinking of asking one of my little Chinese girls to lunch. Tracy. The older one. I'd ask her to the restaurant next door. Then I could sit and listen to her tell me all about herself. Her life in China. All that wonderful exotic stuff. Anyone think that's a bad idea? It'd have to be next weekend. I'm skint at the moment after all those bike parts. Oh. Wait. I forget I've got plastic. Lunch tomorrow? Whatta ya reckon?
Oh well, I'm very tired. It's been a long and frustrating day. Time to go to bed. Perhance to dream of Tracy.
Nighty Night. 
Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:16 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 2 Num 4
Thursday 12 march 2009
OK. Moves are afoot to get a new bike and be back on the road and back happening. Faster, stronger, better. And with a big frigging lock!
This will clean out my funds but there is nothing more important than to keep on biking. Let me back track to Tuesday night.
The show was great. I checked on the bike several times and it was still there. The bike was illuminated and not a metre from the front foyer. The staff could see it and knew it was there. It was locked and bolted to the special bike stand things which are cemented into the ground and all that.
Sometime during the last real it vanished. Whoever did it must have either known some trick to getting the lock undone or always walked round tooled up waiting for an opportunity. The girl at the desk turned her back for 5 minutes and it was gone. $1700 bux down the drain just like that.
I reported it to the sharks but I have no expectations of ever seeing my best friend again. And the large Avanti dealer on port road where I bought it from failed to record the serial number of the bike. In fact they told me that they never record the serial number. I'm informed that this is illegal. That they are required to not only record the serial number of every bike they sell but also print it on the invoice. So I couldn't give the serial number to the sharks. But I'm also informed that the chances of getting back a bike stolen in the city is almost zero.
Not to worry, I have another one in the works. I'm also putting together a rat bike. So that if I have to take a risk, I can take a risk with a piece of crap bike rather than the good one. Which is probably just as well since this new one will be several thousand dollars more expensive than the first. Although that cleans out the money I had set aside for film making.
In hindsight, I feel like an idiot. I should have insisted to park it actually in the building. It's not like it would have been a danger to anyone.
My main problem is that it will be over a week between rides which means my muscles will have attrified. It's going to take another week after that to get back to where I left off. And then I have to hope that the weather holds out.
So give me a week and I'll be back pushing down along linear park again.
In the mean time, I should sort out a few other issues while I have the time. Better go catch up with my little China girls.
Nighty Night.
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 9:12 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 2 Num 2
Sorry folks.
I'm pretty upset right now.
My bike got stolen.
That was my freedom.
It was also my cure for Fibromyalgia.
Don't know what I'm going to do now. It's a serious kick in the teeth on so many levels.
I'm just going to withdraw my profile for a while. I'm not worth dating right now even if there was someone in Adelaide who actually wanted to.
Sorry all.
Posted: Mon Mar 9, 2009 8:09 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 2 Num 1
Monday 9 March
I've been told that people reading this have had to seek medical help for terminal boredom so you've been warned. Read this and you could be feeding through a tube.
Adelaide cup day. Or so I'm told. Adelaidians spent up big despite the depression and economic gloom. The book makers thank you for your participation in their continued economic welfare. Personally though, I haven't seen a horse all day.
I didn't think I'd make it to the Duke's house but I did. I was very tired all day. You'd think with all that riding around yesterday I would have slept like the dead but I didn't. I was shagged but couldn't sleep so I got up, pottered round and then did all the house work. I can even cook on the stove now. Woo Hoo.
I decided that I'd wait till after my daily live cross to the United States where I talk to my good friend Doktor Oscar in Sunny rural Virginia, and then see how I felt. I felt shagged. But what the hell, I went to Dukastein's place anyway. I delivered and sorted out the data that Doktor Badger needed and the Duke gave me a copy of "Queer Duck." Which is a gay cartoon of some kind. It looks quite hysterical.
I hit the road again and came home after dark. There is a good reason for this. If I had left earlier I would have not only been riding into the setting sun but other road bound air polluters would probably not be able to see me. But with my bicycle disco lights ablaze, it was much safer. And cooler. It never ceases to amaze me. When I'm riding into a head wind like that I absolutely hate it. But when I get off the bike I think. "Hey that was damn fun."
I got home and rewarded myself with some cold watermelon and here I am.
I went and saw my Chinese girls at the fruit shop earlier in the day. The younger one insisted on giving me a portion of sweet bar toffee thing. She said she got it from Chinatown in the central market. It was actually a pretty ordinary sesame bar but I told her it was the most wonderful thing. And actually, at the time it was. Great bike fuel. Those girls are ever so sweet. I don't even know what they're saying half the time but I love them dearly. I want to scoop them up and give them a big hug but I'm not that forward.
Remind me to find out what their names are. Every time I've been in there lately there's been someone else there and/or I've been too tired and didn't want to screw it up. But I really want to find out what their stories are. I'd bet they have something interesting to tell.
I love all the people that come here from far off lands. They're so brave and generally just happy to be here. Even despite the inherent racism that still pervades this country. I love all the accents and languages. I wish I could speak them all. Hell, I wish I could speak English half good for that matter.
I've gotten pretty use to listening to accents and picking deciphering the English but communication is sometimes difficult because I only have one vocal cord. So speaking is a little unpredictable. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's but a whisper. To get any sound to come out at all, I have to be virtually shouting. After a while I tend to get hyperventilated and fall over. But I've become a pretty good listener. I like to listen to people's stories.
Well, I have no adventure planned for the day tomorrow but I'm thinking of going back to the Mercury and seeing those two films tomorrow night. Weng Weng, the 2.5 foot tall Asian James bond and "StarCrash" the Italian version of StarWars. I think I've seen StarCrash many years ago. It was a hoot as I recall.
And now to bed. Anyone want to join me? I have slik sheets? Oh well.
G'night sweet prince.
Posted: Sun Mar 8, 2009 10:21 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 1 Num 7
Sunday 8 March:
Hey. It's Sunday. Gimme a break. I can't think of something controversial and witty every day.
I got a flower from a lovely lass in sunny Scotland this morning. Very nice she is too but I have my reservations since she has "Intimate encounter" ticked as her primary motivation and I live not a million miles away. Unless she's experimenting with teledildonics or has her own private jet, I'm not sure how this one is going to work. But it's all a big adventure.
I managed to sneak out of the house early this afternoon before MOTHRA had a change to become ravenous and bite my head off. The mission was to do a recon on the Mercury Cinema. I wanted to check out where I could leave my bicycle chained up if I were to go see a movie. The whole round trip only took an hour and 16 minutes. Including heading over to John Wayne's place at Brompton. AKA Dukastein. AKA Crazy Jay's discount philosophy emporium. But I was feeling really quite weak. I had to stop 3 times before I got up the other side of the underpass on Henley beach road. Admittedly I have a problem with long inclines and it was a head wind but my muscles were burning more than usual for some reason. Gotta figure out what to do about that.
Really cool place to leave the bike while I take in the film night. But JW wasn't home. So I will have to deliver the thumb drive with the incriminating evidence of Doktor Badger's land lord tomorrow. Long story.
When I got home I started writing this blog entry. Then I realized why I was weak today pulling up that climb. Well, that is, I realized after I woke up with a stiff neck from sleeping in this here chair. I didn't get enough sleep last night. None of which stopped me from jumping on the bike and doing it all again later so I might roll up to the cinema and catch another of Jamie Leonarder's cinematic presentations.
This one about conspiracy theories. From who really shot JFK to how aliens have a taste for cow lips. Actually, that was an additional feature that he showed after the main event. Talk about value for money. I loved the competing moon-landing conspiracies. One says they didn't go to the moon as evidenced by a coke bottle. The other said they did go to the moon but landed right smack bang in the middle of an alien civilization of some kind. Neither of them had their known historical facts right. And I should know. I was there. If you look at any of the actual landing sequences you can just see this waving shadow thing in the corner. That's me with a pair of table tennis bats waving them in. I mean come on! You don't think they could have managed a touch down that smooth with 1969 technology do you?
Oh. And sorry about the coke bottle. I got thirsty waiting. What can I say?
The whole program didn't finish till getting on toward 1AM. My bike had remained safely locked up right outside the cinema with 2 other bikes. I gave Jamie Leonarder a copy of our "Persecutor 3000" video for his archives and hit the road. At first I thought it was going to be a terrible ride home but once I got going in the cool night air, it was wicked. Blasted out of town till I hit the other side of the underpass. Even then I never got below 20Ks. Being cooled by the night air like that certainly helped. I guess I'll just have to do it all again on Tuesday. I just wish I had more power.
So here I am. Eating a few grapes and finishing this entry. Another blast of a day against all the odds.
Posted: Sat Mar 7, 2009 7:48 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 1 Num 6
The Weak that was:
You're still reading this crap? What's wrong with you people? Are you mad? Oh. You're plotting revenge? You'll never take me alive I tell you.
SATURDAY 7th March: I must have really strained my muscles yesterday. Had a really bad night. Powering up those hills perhaps? My thigh muscles were quite painful. Obviously I don't know the trick yet. Other than getting back on the bike and riding some more. They don't hurt when they're in motion.
Which is what the plan for today was. I rode over to "Aunty Eva's" Place at plympton to install the computer I built for her last week. She's not actually my Aunty but I've always called her Aunty Eva because that's what Doktor Badger calls her. She's a sweet little 75 year old with a brain the size of a planet. And she's got more get-up-and-go than most 20 year olds I know. I'd never done this ride before and don't know that part of town very well so it was one big adventure.
Last night I captured from google maps and then marked out the route and put the graphic on my cell phone. I checked with google earth to see if I could spot all the short cuts and places where a bike can get through but cars can't. Almost as good as having GPS on the bike.
In the end it was easy and I found my way through without any trouble. Managing to avoid most of the traffic where possible. All the bike track crossings over there seem to have their own traffic lights with little bicycle symbols on them. Hadn't seen them before. They even give you your own buttons if you're on a bike. I don't know what the difference is. Perhaps the pedestrian ones stay green longer?
I got Aunty Eva's computer running and on-line. Easier than I thought since I hadn't done a dial-up for years. I had some tonic water and then fueled up on a banana and was back on the road.
I was at the intersection of cross roads and Anzac highway when some woman in a car behind me laid on the horn. I pulled up and looked over my shoulder like "What?!" But it wasn't me she was looking at. It was the woman in a car next to her. As inconsiderate as it was to shove her horn up my ass at least it wasn't me she was pissed at.
Turns out there was some kind of girl on girl road rage happening. When the lights changed they tore off down the road like a scene out of death race 2000. Blasting their horns and trying to run each other off the road. In the distance I could see other cars slowing down and giving these two girl-hoons a wide birth. I don't know where they went at the end of Stonehouse drive but I didn't see any smouldering remains. Perhaps they killed each other further down Morphett road. It was lots of fun though. Congratulations girls for reaching in and finding your inner male. Hope you enjoy the testosterone.
After a blast along Taplies hill road with a tail wind and pretending I'm a real cyclist, I finally reached the safety of my own driveway. Only to be greeted by MOTHRA. Who had obviously descended from the attic and was gumming tastefully upon the soft fleshy parts of what I think was once our next door neighbour. It grunted and squeezed the portion to it's evil breast. Mocking fear that I might be foolish enough to try to take it. I grunted the universal grunt of someone who couldn't give a rat's. I didn't like Mister Turnbull anyway.
I'm confused however. When I went to the fruit and veg shop today, to buy a carrot and a banana for bike fuel, The older girl asked me if I had lunch yet. It didn't dawn on me the implications at the time but now I'm really confused. Was she trying to ask me out? I mean I'd be honored because she is really very nice but does she realize how old I am? Maybe I'm now reading too much into it?
I would certainly like to get to know her better. Maybe even go out. Maybe she runs a secret Chinese bondage den out the back and she's grooming me to be her next gimp? Good thing I'm not allergic to leather.
Posted: Sat Mar 7, 2009 7:17 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 1 Num 5
The Weak that was:
Remember, This blog is not safe for humans. Get your dog to read it instead. You have been warned.
FRIDAY 6th March: Still shagged from the night before I managed to get a decent ride in. Went into town along linear park as usual. The cycle path that winds it's way along the River Torrens. Then headed out the other side of town to where one of my specialist doctors has rooms. I just wanted to see how far and how long it would take to get their by cycle. I usually catch a cab. 55 minutes. Not bad. On my way back I took a rout I hadn't tried before. Found another hill that beat me. Or at least I wasn't expecting it. Had to stop before pulling up it in first gear. It was much steeper than I had thought. But the other two hills that use to beat me along the bike track posed no threat this time. I'm obviously getting more powerful. In fact I only dropped back as far as 3rd gear. Over all, I'm now about 2 cogs up on what I was a week ago. I'm regularly getting into 8th on the flat. Soon I'll have to figure out how to change up on the front cog.
On the way back I came across a Tourist on a bicycle-SA hire bike. She looked lost so I guided her back down the bike track to where she wanted to go. Doing my first good deed for the day.
When I got back onto home turf, I stopped at the fruit and veg shop. I knew it was later in the afternoon and there was a good chance of both girls being there at the same time. And they were. So I loaded up my ever expanding top-pack with fruit & Veg and then gave them each their teddy bears. The smiles were worth it. They were over the moon. So after all the trials and tribulations with women in the past week, I still managed to make someone's day. Two someone's in fact. As well as my own. I've been sporting my own beaming smile ever since.
All those other Adelaide girls missed out. Tough luck. I made someone who deserves it happy.
Posted: Sat Mar 7, 2009 7:11 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 1 Num 4
The Weak that was:
Remember, I warned you about reading this blog. I know you think you're old enough but this blog has been scientifically proven as an effective laxative. If you must read it, do it from a lap top in your bathroom.
THURSDAY 5th March: Finally got another ride in. Went on another quest to find some small furry toys for my lovely Chinese girls. A friend told me about a chemist shop that had lots. Has to be small and furry. Stainless steel bedpans aren't terribly romantic I suspect.
Disappointed I put the pedals down into the head wind again and headed off to Glenelg. I found a new way through to cross the Patawalonga lake and get round the other side. That meant I didn't have to dismount and walk Pussy across the weir.
Oh. I should explain. My bicycle got called "Pussy." I mentioned to a friend that I felt like I had 20 orgasms every time I got off it. My Friend Doktor Badger, noted how the seat had a rather sensuous slot down the centre and dubbed the bike "Pussy." Now everyone asks "How's Pussy?" All except for my Greek friend Peter. Who, when I told him I just spent another 250 dollars on pussy, he asked me if there was a new whore house he was previously unaware of.
Anyway, I went for a rather skillful cruise down Jetty street looking for a toy shop and avoiding getting my tires stuck in the tram lines. I didn't find one. Disappointed for a second time, I came back to the Pat and caught the tail wind home. I didn't get a furry toy but it was a good trip.
Before I got home, I had to stop at the local news agent's to do the X-Lotto for MOTHRA. "Who's MOTHRA?" I hear you ask. MOTHRA is the creature in my attic Prey you never meet. It will suck your brains out given half a chance. Not because it likes eating brains per se, but because it spends the majority of it's time watching nothing but channel nine. Thus it's own brain has long since atrophied. It figures that by eating your's it might just muster the brain power to lift the remote and change the channel. In practice however, the remote hasn't work ever since MOTHRA used it to stir a cup of tea. MOTHRA hasn't noticed yet however.
So while I was at the news agency, I asked Tracy if she, by chance had some little furry toy things. So she dug round and came up with two really cute teddy bears. But they were identical. Tracy had a cunning plan. The bears had little ribbons around their necks. So she dragged me next door to this shop called the Laurel Tree. I can't quite figure out what they do in that shop but they have lots of ribbons and things. So we bought some ribbon and the girl there tied it in a bow around the teddy bear's neck so that it looked different to the other one. "PERFECT!"
I put the bears in my top-pack and there they stayed.
Thursday night however, my Greek friends and I went to a Fringe Event. "Bad Film" presented by the weird and wonderful Jamie Leonarder. It was an hysterical mosaic of film, video and clips. Nearly lost remnants. Things that surely no sane person would have allowd made. Like the guy singing a kid's song explaining that the proper word for people's genitalia is "Penis" and "Vulva" And he did it with a straight face. When he got to "Anus." We completely lost it.
This was followed by a Turkish film. "Spiderman Vs Captain America." Apparently in the 60s and 70s, the Turks use to just rip off and re-appropriate American superheros in film versions. In this case, Spiderman is actually a mafia-esk, villan who rapes and pillages and murders women. The head of the infamous "Spider Gang." Who is only thwarted by the efforts of "Captain America." Who, for some reason works for the Turkish Police. Obviously he was on an exchange program while Captain Turkey was helping the NYPD.
Then after cornering Jamie Leonarder himself outside the cinema and having a hell of a laugh, the 10 of us ended up back at Marcelinas for Pizza and a drink. I love my Greek Friends. They know how to woop it up.
Posted: Sat Mar 7, 2009 6:54 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 1 Num 3
The Weak that was:
Remember, I warned you about reading this blog the first time. If you've got this far and your eyeballs are yet to explode, then you're made of stronger stuff. Read on McDuff.
TUESDAY 3rd March: Windy as hell. Got a ride in down to the Patawalonga weir. Along the coast. Was a hard slog against the wind there but man did I move coming back. Got to 30Ks in 8th. Which is not bad for me considering I've only had this bike about 3 weeks now.
WEDNESDAY 4th March: Wet windy and dreary. So Adelaide. So I spent the day trying to hone my profiles in the hope that I at least don't strike terror into the hearts of women I'm interested in. The profiles are still crap but I'm getting toward what I'm trying to project. Honestly ladies, I'm only slightly an old piece of crap.
I made contact with another PNGF (Potential New Girl Friend) on another dating site. This one only took minutes to tell me to bugger off. At least she was polite about it when she told me I was a piece of crap. She told me to shave my beard off. That's a first. Most women tell me not to. One threatened me with death if I ever did. Actually, I have absolutely no idea what I'd look like without it but I figure it hides the surgical scars from when they ripped my head open to find those lost CIA documents that confirmed who actually did kill JFK. They said it was a rather large tumor in my neck but I knew what was really hidden there. They promised I wouldn't see the scars but it's caused this really obvious fold in my chin that, well, looks awful. That and the fact that my ear now rotates whenever it comes in range of a GPS satellite. I don't know why.
She also complained about my having put her on my "Favorites" list. Um. Sorry. I obviously mistook it for a dating site. I won't let that happen again. And I removed the remaining PNGF from the favorites. Well, I've managed to annoy all 3 potential women left in South Australia so I guess I'll now have to wait till some one new moves here. Lured by the bright lights and foul smelling water.
For anyone coming here who likes a scotch on the rocks, make sure you use real rocks. Trust me on this, you don't want that ice melting and making your nice malt whiskey taste like bong water.
Posted: Sat Mar 7, 2009 6:46 AM CST
This weak in Adelaide. Vol 1 Num 2
The Weak that was:
Remember, I warned you about reading this blog the first time. So you're a glutton for punishment hey? So be it at your own peril.
Monday 2nd March: Your mission... To go over to the bike shop and get the pump fitted and buy a trip computer so you know how phiss weak you are. Err, I mean how far you've travelled. Actually I made it there in 35 minutes. They fitted the trip computer and the pump. Then I also bought a pair of bike gloves because my hands were becoming numb on long rides. Spent a whole shipping crate full of money on this crap and it felt like I'd already achieved something. I'm such a sucker.
Not to be out done, I went to cheap-as-chips on the way home to see if I could buy a couple of small furry toy things to give to the Chinese girls at the Fruit and Veg shop down the road. They're always giving me free fruit for some reason. If I didn't know better I'd suspect that one of them liked me. They are very cute though. But I wanted to give them something back because I thought it might bring a smile to their faces. Well I didn't find a toy of any suitable description but I did find a nice piece of grilled fish. I just don't eat enough fish.
Then I returned home to find that the woman I contacted on one of the dating sites had sent me a tirade of abuse instead of her undying love. Then she ran screaming into the hills after deleting her profile and vowing to become a lesbian. That was so inspiring. Did wonders for my confidence.