Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 5:29 AM CST
Children
I love kids so much it hurts if that makes any sense.Prior to discovering my medical condtion I had my heart set on having children,four at the most.
But ever since I found out about my medical condition and the fact that I can't conceive naturally I've had a change of heart.After the doctor told me that I can't conceive on my own,that I'll need medical intervention in order to conceive I went home and cried my eyes out.It broke my heart.
But I've been thinking about adoption a lot lately and the idea really appeals to me.In a way,adoption is like shopping-you choose the sex and the nationality of the child.I've decided that adoption is the best option for me.
That doesn't mean I want to have kids-Iam still not sure yet.It's a huge decision and a lifelong committment like marriage.I used to baby-sit these three boys all the time and I fell in love with them-not literally!Lol.But those boys meant the world to me and I'd do apsolutely anything for them.I loved them as if they were my own.I loved them so much it hurt.
I seem to have a special connection with children.Whereever I go children stare and smile at me.They seem mesmerized by me,like they could feel how much love I have deep within.A few weeks ago I was shopping with my mom,aunt,and grandma and saw the most beautiful lttle girl sitting in a cart.She was about a year old-if that-and had blonde hair,and blue eyes.She literally looked like a cherub minus the wings.
I was feeling quite depressed that day and the little girl seemed to have sensed that so she started waving and smiling at me.She truely melted my heart and I felt more cheerful and loved.
Another time I was shopping and this baby girl was crying.But as soon as she saw me she immediately stopped crying,stared at me then started smiling at me.How children melt my heart!
Which is why Iam very open to dating men who have kids as long as their kids are well-behaved and not spoiled brats.I doubt that I'll have kids naturally due to my medical condition but adopting one or two kids is definately an option that I'll explore further once Iam in a relationship.However,if the man Iam with already has kids then that's good enough for me.I don't need to be a mother but I definately want and need kids in my life.I have so much love to give them and so much to share with them.Children themselves have so much love to give and so much to teach us adults.We can learn so much from each other!
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 5:04 AM CST
To marry or not,that is the question
I've never been the marrying type,and I've told everyone that I'll never get married.But lately I've been going back and fourth on this issue.On one hand it'll be awesome to get engaged then get married.I would love to get married in my parents' backyard.They live in the country and have a huge backyard.I apsolutely refuse to get married in a church as I don't believe in religion.
On the other hand I feel that marriage would take away so much of my freedom.Iam such a freespirit and very independent.Iam set in my ways.Marriage is a huge committment,a lifelong committment.Would I still have as much freedom being married as I had when I was single or dating?
I've been in a common-law relationship once and that was a huge disaster.I'd hate to go through something that painful and dramatic again!So much hurt,anger,insults,and heartache.To be honest,I wasn't ready for a common-law relationship,and prior to us living together we had been living with my parents.They decided that it was time for my boyfriend and I to leave the nest even though I wasn't ready to have a common-law relationship yet.
My ex brought up marriage all the time,pressuring me to marry him someday,even though I told him that I didn't want to get married.In other words,he wanted marriage,I didn't.
But he wasn't the "one" obviously or else we'd still be together.Perhaps when I find the right guy I'll change my mind about marriage.Until then,I'll continue to struggle with the issue of whether or not I want to get married.
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 3:39 AM CST
My sexual fears
I've always had performance problems which caused a great deal of frustration and heartache on my part.For years I wondered what was wrong with me but after seeing a gyn,I finally got my answers.
Before I get to that,lets focus on the issue itself-an issus that's caused me to feel ashamed,embarrassed,and less of a woman.In 2001,I was in a relationship and was ready to have sex for the first time.I was nervous yet excited as this was a huge deal for me.
Now,I've been told that the first time is a bit painful and that it was normal.Let me tell you the pain I experienced was pure torture.It hurt so much that it took all the strength I had to not scream.To make things worse,my boyfriend couldn't enter me.We tried and tried but got nowhere,and when he did get into me the pain was toture.I failed as a woman.It was my first time,it was supposed to be wonderful and special but it wasn't.I was in pain for awhile.
I had the same problem with all my partners,pain and a lot of trouble getting into me.Most of the time I couldn't perform at all.I felt extremely upset.I felt like a failure as a woman and as a partner.I felt that I was letting my guy down and not fulfilling my role.I felt helpless.I felt like a failure.It's utterly horrible to feel this way and wondering why I was having so much problems.Was it because I was nervous?Was I doing something wrong?What was wrong with me?
For years I searched for answers and got nowhere until I saw a gyn in January.Not only was sex torture but so were pap smears.And like sex,it was extremely hard to complete the exams and extremely painful.I would scream and cry because the pain was so bad.
But my gyn discovered what the problem is.It turns out that I have a medical condition called vagisum.So,all the sexual problems I've experienced were of no fault of mine.I felt a lot better now that I know what the problem is.I finally got my answers.
My gyn recommended an exercise for me to try.She told me to buy some white taper candles and stick one up me while doing breathing exercises at the same time for fifteen minutes.I bought the candles and jokinly call them my sex toys.At first I was very excited and enthusastic about trying this exercise and couldn't wait to get started.
But fear took over.It's been three months now and I still haven't tried the exercises.Iam terrified-very terrified.Iam terrified that it's going to hurt just as much as sex and pap smears.At the same time Iam not comfortable touching myself "down there" and never had been.All my life "touching oneself" disgusted me even though I knew it's a very normal and healthy thing to do.
Right now I feel emotional.Not only am I terrified that doing these exercises will be very painful but Iam also terrified that it won't work.As it is Iam terrified of sex for obvious reasons.I want very much to be in a relationship but with a relationship comes sex.Would a man be willing to wait until Iam ready?Would a man be turned off because I have sexual problems that Iam very sensitive about?Would a man be patient and understanding and not rush me?Or would a man be afraid of me and run off to a woman who can satisfy and please him?
These are my sexual fears.Will I ever be to have sex without the pain and trouble?Will I be able to have a normal healthy sex life?I want to do this exercise and to have sex when Iam with a man who I love.But right now Iam so terrified that it hurts.
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:41 AM CST
So much to look forward to
I've had a lot of bad times this year so far,mainly struggling with the severe depression that's been plaguing me in the last few weeks.
But Iam slowly feeling better and am now focused on all the wonderful things I have to look forward to.
Spring is almost here and the weather has been very mild and beautiful.Before long all this snow will be gone.
I'll be reaching a new milestone in three months,though Iam not too happy about it.I will be turning thirty but I asked my parents to throw me a big party.That should cheer me up and also be a lot of fun.
This summer,my mom,my aunt,and I are going to Nova Scotia for a family reunion.We're still trying to convince Grandma to come.How I love Nova Scotia.We went there twice last year and we all had a ball.I finally met most of my great-aunts,uncles,and cousins whom I never met before.Then in October we went again with my grandma.She got to see her siblings whom she hadn't seen in over twenty years and I met more relatives.
This summer we're going to Nova Scotia again for the family reunion and Iam so excited!I love being near the ocean and sight-seeing.I love roasting marshmellows on the beach and taking pictures.I can't wait!
Also this summer my parents are planning to go to Ontario and Quebec and they invited me to come along.I have many relatives in Quebec who I haven't seen in three years.I just hope noone pressures me to go to my grandma's grave-I can't go there!
My beloved grandma passed away three years ago from bowel cancer.We were extremely close and I took her passing extremely hard.I know if I went to her grave I'd lose it.
Does it make me a jerk for refusing to go to Grandma's grave?Maybe but I can't handle that and I know it.My only worry about this visit is that everyone will pressure me to go to Grandma's grave and think Iam a selfish person when I refuse to go.
But I can't wait to see my family as I've always been so close with them all.I'll have a lot of fun.
My brother and my best friend live in Ontario.I haven't seen my brother in three years and my best friend in almost six years.Also I'll be reuniting with an old friend from school who I haven't seen since we graduated from grade eight in 1994.When my best friend got back in touch with her she helped me get back in touch,too.Iam really excited about seeing my brother and my friends this summer.
So,I have a lot to look forward to.Whenever my depression decides to plauge me I'll just focus on all the stuff I have to look forward to.
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:12 AM CST
My blonde moments
I have said things so stupid that it's hilarious.
Last summer my parents and I went boating and I was looking for bald eagles and other wildlife.We saw a bald eagle to my delight and I took out my camera hoping to take some pictures of a bald eagle.
I noticed something in the sky flying towards us.Here's where I had the mother of all blonde moments.As soon as I saw the object in the sky I yelled out "look at the huge bald eagle!"To my embarrassment that "bald eagle" turned out to be an airplane flying really low!My parents almost died laughing,and my mom still hasn't let me live this down.
Back in 1998 I was visiting my paternal grandma for two weeks as I always did every summer.I had two major blonde moments during that visit.
One afternoon,my grandma,my mom and I went shopping.I can't remember what we were talking about but I sure remember the idiotic comment I made and I quote "Well,Grandma is my dad's wife!" My mom and grandma laughed really hard and I felt like a fool even though I was laughing.
Then,on the day I was going home,my grandma and I were packing my stuff.Grandma holds up a bag and asks me where I want to put it.I said "Oh,it'll go in the trunk with me!" Everyone burst out laughing and my grandma laughed so hard she was crying.
I was glad to have made Grandma laugh so hard as she had been quite depressed due to her medical problems.Even so,I wasn't planning on saying something so stupid-it just popped out of my mouth!
Well,I guess I took after Grandma as she had more than her share of blonde moments.
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 1:50 AM CST
My embarrassing yet funny moments
Last summer my dad allowed me to drive his 4-wheeler-big mistake!To be honest,I was expecting my dad to give me a ride not drive the 4-wheeler.Anyway,despite my nervousnessI decided to give it a try.
Lets just say it was a miracle that I didn't cause any serious damage!I crashed into the garage and into the bench.I almost crashed into the trees.Of course my parents were laughing like fools.After about twenty minutes of driving-if you can call it that-I decided that I had enough.
As I was getting off the 4-wheeler I tripped and fell onto the ground on my face-literally.My parents almost died laughing.Despite my embarrassment I was able to laugh at myself.Next time I drive a 4-wheeler Iam going to be in a much wider area so I can't possibly crash into anything!Lol.
I enjoy playing tennis and badminton but Iam so bad at both sports.I've always been terrible at sports.When I was in school I always dreaded playing baseball in gym class.For some reason I can never hit the ball.I have the same problem with badminton and tennis-I can't hit the ball.
Two summers ago,my friend and I decided to play badminton.Of course I couldn't hit the birdie.Despite how frustrating it was I kept laughing,seeing the humor in my lack of skill.A few times I sent the racket flying across the yard.Fortunately I didn't hit my friend or any other innocent bystander.Lol.My performance was pathetic and embarrassing yet extremely funny and entertaing!
My friend and I both laughed like fools.It was fun and I'll always be happy to play again despite my clumsiness.