How to Deal With Shyness

How to Deal With Shyness

Anxiety in social situations is very common. There are people who would rather undergo painful dental surgery than meet their new girlfriend's parents! Those who suffer these sorts of fears often miss out on a great deal of fun, happiness and success in life. Social anxiety can affect relationships, undermine friendships and even ruin careers.

The first step to overcoming shyness is to forgive yourself. Social anxiety is something most people experience at some point. It is perfectly normal to feel anxious. Many famous and successful people secretly battle with dreadful social fear. For example, the great philosopher and fearless campaigner Bertrand Russell recalled being tormented by shyness as a young man.

Shyness is usually a product of fear. Shy or socially anxious people fear making fools of themselves in front of others. They do not want to seem boring or ignorant. Others fear making some dreadful social faux pas. It can be helpful to understand where these fears came from. Very often they are connected to experiences of bullying and humiliation as a child or adolescent, either at home or at school. Such experiences can imprint themselves on the memory and leave the individual with a subconscious belief that people are out to expose and ridicule them. An adult who was repeatedly told she was stupid by her father as a child may retain a subconscious belief all her life that this is true. She will probably feel uncomfortable at dinner parties, especially when people begin discussing politics or current affairs. Her deep-rooted, underlying belief that she is stupid will make voicing her opinion a terrible effort. She will most likely feel that she is being judged by the other guests with the same contemptuous sneer her father used to use. Another individual may have been ridiculed and bullied by his school friends, leaving him with a subconscious belief that he is fundamentally unlikeable. Every encounter with new people will create in him a sense of terror that the rejection is about to happen once again.

It is important first to uncover, and then to challenge, these subconscious beliefs. Perhaps your father told you you were stupid when you were young, but that does not mean that you are. Why did he do such a thing? Did his father treat him that way? Was he simply continuing the cycle of abuse? Deep-rooted, negative beliefs are subjective and based upon limited experience. Try to be more objective. If you have a deep-rooted belief that you are stupid or boring, you will interpret the events in every social situation so as to confirm these beliefs. But ask yourself how others probably interpret what happened. Did you really make as big a fool of yourself as you believe? Remember, the socially anxious rarely look as bad as they feel. Once you recognize these deep-rooted beliefs you will start to see them at work when you are with others.

Even when you do challenge these beliefs, you must accept that you will, inevitably, make a fool of yourself at some point. The shy and socially anxious tend to regard all successful social interaction as a 'near miss'; they think to themselves "well, at least that wasn't too awful. I believe I got away without making myself look too stupid". Change the meaning and importance you attach to your encounters with other people. Everyone has bad days. Even the cleverest, wittiest, most mesmerizing individual has bored, disappointed or irritated someone at some point. Even the most confident have their moments of awkwardness. It is important to learn to laugh at 'disasters'. If you blushed or said something silly, laugh at the memory and accept the fact that you will probably do so again and again in your life. Some therapists encourage the shy to walk down a crowded street wearing a plastic red nose or a silly hat. The point is not to humiliate the individual but to demonstrate to them that embarrassment is not dangerous. You can choose not to care.

Beyond simple kindness and politeness, there is no 'right way' of behaving. Many of us never entirely shake off the adolescent feeling that there is some kind of invisible audience watching and judging us. Learn to celebrate what is odd, different or unique in your personality. And learn to accept that not everyone you meet is going to like you. That would be completely unnatural.

Comments (2)

Drj64
I’m very shy when it comes to approaching a woman that I find attractive. I fear the rejection and get embarrassed if she says she is not interested and think maybe there is something wrong with me. I have been like this from a very young age. How do I overcome this?
Honestysmith
Thanks for your super write up. I hope it will help lots of people out there.i really appreciate as it helps me too. Am always shy to approach a gorgeous beautiful woman .

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