5 Tricks to Find "The One"

Dating is great when it's good, but it can be absolutely miserable when it's bad. Maybe you remember what dating was like before "swipe right" became part of the common vernacular. Or you've had a handful of online profiles for as long as you've been single. Regardless, dating in the social media age is a challenge that requires marathon-level endurance. Online dating makes it easier than easy to meet up and hook up, but what if you're looking for love? Dating sites are great for searching for serious relationships, but no one can deny the stale and stodgy feel of meeting people with the goal of a relationship. Everyone wants magic and butterflies, but it seems like no one can stop looking for the next best thing.

Here are five tricks to help find, and land love, and how to end up with The One that'll keep your eye from wandering and will still give you butterflies.

Show Up.

Dating fatigue is real. If you're not feeling it, then it's okay to hide the apps or profiles for a few weeks, or months, while you get your head in the game. But when you go through the trouble of swiping right, engaging in 3-5 days of witty text banter and actually making plans, bring your whole self on the date. Be clear with yourself about what you're looking for, so you can be clear with your date. Ready to settle down? No shame in saying so. Just looking for friends but hoping for more? Be loud and proud. It's a lot easier to part ways after coffee if you're not compatible, then going through weeks of miscommunication and angst because your goals just aren't the same.

Be There.

It's hard to put down your phone these days. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat are all crying out for your attention, your likes, and your pithy comments. You want your friends' attention when you post a picture of your dog wearing pajamas, so you feel obligated to like every #sundayfunday post of theirs. But they can live without you for a few hours while you meet someone new. It says a lot when you leave your phone in your pocket or purse. No one's going to blame you for sneaking a few scrolls and swipes when you excuse yourself to the bathroom. But when you're attention is completely on the other person, you'll be able to notice if their attention is on you.

Play it Straight.

No matter how much you may say you're not into games or drama on your profile, it can be hard not to play hard to get. Or to play the waiting game when returning text. Or de-escalate communication to Facebook Messenger to establish dominance. But navigating dating is hard enough without adding emotional cloak and dagger. Save the maneuvers for avoiding family members on social media and use technology as a tool to help your blossoming relationship, not hinder it. Be present, available, and honest with how you feel. And if it seems like the other person is still playing in the emotional ball pit, be ready to bail. You deserve someone who's going to take dating you seriously.

Establish Good Patterns.

The first month dating someone new is the time to establish the patterns you'd like to see through the rest of the relationship. That means being honest about the stuff that bothers you, setting boundaries that you're comfortable maintaining, and being clear about expectations for your new partner. If you pretend that you love camping and spicy foods now, your resentment at spending your first anniversary in a tent is going to catch the other person off guard. There's a tendency to be flexible and accommodating when people want to make it work, but letting someone know you have no interest in fly fishing probably isn't the deal breaker you might think it is on your third date.

Be Nice.

Our close friends and family are sometimes the ones to suffer the most when it comes to seeing us at our worst. Whether it's because you're hungry, tired, or stressed, the people who are around you the most are bound to get the brunt of your bad behavior. Psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson at the University of Washington figured out the key to happy relationships back in 1986... Be nice. They observed newlywed couples talking about issues ranging from the mundane (how they met) to the fraught (a conflict in their relationship). Partnership and warmth were present in the couples who were able to speak calmly with each other regardless of the topic and who ended up staying together. Couples that were snappish and aggressive had elevated physiological symptoms and ended up either divorced or unhappy years later. Even if you expect your partner to see you at your worst, remember that they're in the trenches with you, and it pays to treat them kindly.

When it feels like there's a constant flow of profiles, it seems like it is possible to find the perfect person: the one who's smart and funny and more attractive than their pictures; who holds the same political views as you; and hates the same things about other people. But agreeing with someone about everything isn't necessarily the key to a happy relationship. Rather, it's finding someone who you can disagree with productively. The person who may argue with you about what show to binge-watch next or who gets invited to the wedding, but will do it with love and respect.