Don’t Lose your Identity in a Relationship

Everyone's met her, and some have been her: the woman who, upon entering a new relationship, seems to lose all traces of the person she was in her former life. The changes can range from the trivial, like adopting his eating habits, to the more serious, like discarding her friends. Even women who shake their heads at a friend's compromises often find themselves doing the same things, despite their best intentions. Even after the feminist advances of the last four decades, women are still strongly socialized to put the needs of others above their own. The good news is that there need not be so much conflict between your identity and his. Probably it was the differences between you that kindled the attraction in the first place!

In a new relationship's first flush of excitement, the temptation to spend as much time as possible together can be overwhelming. The sudden rush of intimacy can make you feel as though you've entered another world. However, it's vitally important that you don't shut the door on your old self too quickly. In the first two months, limit the amount of time you spend with him. This will make the transition from single to couple much smoother, and make sure you still feel like yourself when the transition is over.

If you regularly exercise, volunteer, play music, or linger over the Sunday newspaper – keep it up! If you catch yourself thinking that your hobbies, routines, and pastimes take away from quality time with your boyfriend, remember that these things are probably part of what made you attractive to him. If you can incorporate him into your activities, all the better – but it's a rare couple that has every hobby in common. Keep at least a half-day every week for your pet projects, and give him the same chance to pursue his favorite activities on his own.

Even more importantly, don't neglect your friendships. The gym and the newspaper may not miss you if you start spending all your Saturdays at his place, but your friends will not only miss you, they may begin to resent you. Breaking plans, not returning phone calls, and only contacting friends when your boyfriend is unavailable all send the sign that you don't care about them very much. Good friends enrich your life and keep you anchored in the world outside your relationship. Make sure you keep them in mind when you're making weekend plans.

Finally, remember that you are an equal partner in the relationship. When deciding which movie to see, your opinion is as important as his opinion. Your sexual preferences carry as much weight as his sexual preferences. Your friendships and his friendships are equally important, and the same goes for family. Women who make a habit of deferring to their partners on the small decisions will have a tough time standing their ground on the big decisions. If you keep a firm hold on your identity in the beginning of a relationship, you'll avoid later becoming the woman who says, with a sigh, "I never thought I'd change so much for a man".