How to Spot and Avoid an Abusive Male

How to Spot and Avoid an Abusive Male

Many abusive males seem charming at first. However, it is not long before this veneer begins to crack. If a man exhibits the following signs, do not ignore them. Remove yourself from the situation before it is too late.

1. He exhibits excessively controlling behavior. Abusive men are obsessed with control. If he tries to tell you what you can wear or where you can go on a daily basis, be forewarned that he may be an abuser.

2. He attempts to separate you from your family and loved ones. Abusive men know that they cannot carry out the abuse if you are surrounded by friends and family who are supportive of you. Therefore, one of their first orders of business is to separate you from these people. If you notice that he is trying to isolate you, this is a red flag that you may want to exit the relationship.

3. He engages in verbal put-downs or belittles you. To keep you "in your place," abusers may call you names or tell you how worthless or undesirable you are. Rather than take such comments personally, recognize this as an abuse tactic and move on.

4. He has hit or pushed you. Although the physical contact may be minor at first, it is to be taken seriously. If he exhibits any violence toward you, recognize that it will only get worse. The problem will not "go away" or "get better" over time. You should remove yourself from the situation after the first sign of physical violence.

5. You notice "cycles" of alternating between cruel and abusive behavior and efforts to reconcile. These cycles are typical of abusive relationships. Despite the apologies, the same turn of events happens repeatedly. Before you get hopelessly ensnared in this cycle of abuse, be strong and exit the relationship.

6. He seems to have bisexual or homosexual inclinations. Studies show that many abusive men are secretly gay. They may resent women, and of having to be with women to satisfy societal expectations.

7. He gives mixed signals. Another tactic that abusers use is to send mixed signals. He might seem pleased with you one day, and the next day treat you with disgust for no apparent reason. Again, realize that this has nothing to do with you. It is an attempt to keep you vulnerable and under his control.

8. He plays head games. He might try to fool you or tell you obvious lies, just because he can. He might go for long periods of time without calling you, only to shower you with calls on another day. He is just trying to keep things unstable and unpredictable, so that he can better exert control over you.

9. He harbors a grudge against his mother or other significant women in his life. Many abusive men have had difficult relationships with their mothers. If he reveals that he dislikes or resents his mother, this is a potential red flag.

10. He has been in other abusive relationships. If you learn that he has been in prior abusive relationships, re-evaluate whether you should be with him. For example, if he has had other relationships in which the police were called (even if he claims it was the woman's fault). Be wary.

If you notice these signs in your potential mate, be aware that he could be abusive. Consider extricating yourself from the relationship, since abuse worsens over time.

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