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Posted:Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:14 PM CST
"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"
What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren’t dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"
Well, once again, you did.
You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize - one day - that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.
Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys’ stumble into their lives, if that.
So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:
1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.
I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.
If you were five years younger.
So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.
Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy
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Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:34 PM CST
Wow! Knock-out!
Very well written.
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Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:53 PM CST
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Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:03 PM CST
*Ding Ding Ding*
We have a winner.
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Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:15 PM CST
Bravo, I couldn't have put it better myself. You have said what millions of nice guys or ex nice guys have been thinking for quite sometime. Excellent work.
Outlaw
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Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:22 PM CST
Here here... everything I wanted to say... but couldn't find the words...
Me and you... we are the same... Its depressing... but at least I know theres more than just me (the nice guy) left out there...
rhime
vegreville, Alberta Canada
Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:26 AM CST
exact reason i gave up on being a nice guy. nice guys don't end up with girl and never will.
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Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:46 PM CST
i wonder why (with the exception of one lady)
only men seem to be replying to this blog.
very interesting
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Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:45 PM CST
Well said! You explained perfectly what I couldnt even put in words....hope it changes a few minds though?
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Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:05 PM CST
Hey Salem with 108 page views and only 7 guys and one woman responding, we all know that answer.
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Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:38 AM CST
im just tired of hearing women complain about men
like I said before
you made your bed
now sleep in it
call me an asshole
at least im honest
you break my heart once .....shame on you
you break my heart twice.....shame on me
you break my heart 3 times.....f^ck you....lets play it your way!
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Sat Jan 26, 2008 8:22 AM CST
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Sun Jan 27, 2008 11:22 AM CST
Ok, I’ll be the first to bite.
I believe that there is a happy medium between Mr. Nicety-Nice-Dweeb, and Mr. Bad-Boy-Rebel. I personally, (and I think a lot of other women), are looking for that happy medium.
You described a nice guy as:
- he tags along with a woman when she goes shopping (hasn’t he got something a bit more manly to do?)
- he comes across as a little puppy dog following a woman around doing things to try to get attention (This reeks of someone with low-self esteem who is desperate. Women are attracted to men who not only have self-confidence, but also present themselves in a confident manner.)
- he acts a bit pathetic (see above. Women want men who are secure in themselves.)
- spending so much time with a non-boyfriend was a little weird (True. I want to spend my time with the person I hope to have a future with. I don’t want to invest an enormous amount of my time with someone who is taking the relationship no where.)
Now granted, you did mention a lot of positive attributes in your description of a nice guy, but there are also some positive attributes in Mr. Rebel too. I want that guy in the middle. I want that Mr. Nice Guy that knows how to act like a gentleman and use his manners, but I want that Mr. Rebel who knows how to act like a man and has a sense of adventure and leadership. I don’t think that women should have to settle for either the bar-scene loser jerk OR the insecure boyish wimp. In my opinion, one is as bad as the other. The first reeks of abuse, the second reeks of neglect. The first reeks of too much drama. The second reeks of too much boredom.
I think a lot of the reason women are starting to turn a blind eye to Mr. Nice Guy, is because guys who *think* they fit the profile of Mr. Nice Guy, have let the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction. They come across as sniveling wimps. They may possibly be dishonest because they wouldn’t dare tell the truth if it might hurt her feelings. They come across as insecure in their own personality and like jell-o, will mold into whatever she wants him to be. They come across as unable to stimulate a woman intellectually because they constantly agree. They come across as indecisive because when she asks for suggestions for entertainment, they reply “I dunno, what’d you wanna do?” They come across as unable to stand up for a woman if she were being harassed, or unable to protect a woman if she were in danger. Having a relationship with this type of guy is sort of like not having a relationship at all. It’s more like hanging out with one of the girls.
I think the key, like everything else in life, is learning proper balance. There are guys out there who have learned the proper balance between boyish proclivities and egotistic rebellion. They are mature, responsible, confident men. They don’t walk all over their women, nor do they let their women walk all over them. They are brave and courageous, but not foolhardy and reckless. They are assertive. Not aggressive, but not passive. They are not wild animals that need to be caged, but nor are they lost puppies hopelessly whimpering for a woman to hold their leash.
A truly balanced man is a very attractive specimen indeed!
Maybe we should rewrite the description of Mr. Nice Guy so he’s a more balanced man.
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Tue Jan 6, 2009 3:39 AM CST
Seems to me "Girlnextdoormouse" you are still describing the nice guy. Only now do you see that what you actually want when you say you want the guy with the balance, is what the nice actually is or was.. you just never saw him this way because of how you went about your business. The guy you now seek is probably the nice guy that some other ahem lady has decided was a nice guy and was not interested in.
So to all you ladies out there the next nice guy that comes along could probably be the guy you thought you weren't looking for until you realised who you are looking for.
Suppose that means the nice guys really do win in the end if they remain nice guys, cause they get to wean out the nastiest of the female sex and get the pick of those that remain.
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Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:39 AM CST
Hi Recovering nice guy,I am a woman,but I am a recovering nice woman...I wasnt ALL THAT and NO ONE would consider going out with me,I was unpopular,and I couldnt wear all the fancy name brand clothes that everyone else could afford...I was always nice to everyone I met...
Well,times do change,people grow up and move on.
Just about every profile I read,the guy wants the same things...and I am most of those things,not perfect,but who is? I apologize to all those guys that are REALLY NICE...I myself know women that turn down the nicest guys for someone who eventually treats them like crap, or cheats on them ...when allll along,they could have had a REAL NICE GUY...I enjoyed reading your blog...good luck to you,if you dont find anyone,its thier loss
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Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:55 AM CST
BTW...
To the other female writer:
That comment was confusing as hell to me.I dont see how any guy could understand it.
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Wed Jan 28, 2009 11:29 PM CST
Nice way to tell it like it is nowadays. nice guys now are going to asian countrys and finding beautiful, caring women. asian women do not care about looks, money , material things, only want to find a man that will treat them well, respect, love them.i found my future wife in China, i tell u she the best woman i have ever met, so caring and loving, . Western women will soon be asking why western men perfer asians, you just told them why,
good writing, you told it like it is.
limerick22
limerick, Limerick Ireland
Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:30 PM CST
so so true well done for saying it.
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Fri Apr 3, 2009 11:09 AM CST
Not all women are like this though and it can also work out in the other way round don't forget!
But you know what they say; 'be mean to keep them keen!"
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Tue Apr 7, 2009 10:17 PM CST
I applaud you on your blog. Everything you said is 100% right on and now us nice women are suffering from the mean ones damage. I am 41 and it seems everytime I meet a nice guy I have to try and undo what some witch has done to him. So many women use men for money, sex, to make themselfs feel good and men are sick of it. I am truly a nice woman just wanting that great nice guy to settle down with and grow old together and have wonderful memories and life with but men my age have been around the block enough times to keep a wall up to all women and that is so sad and so hard for me. Thanks for your words and I am sorry for you to be so young and going through this crap already. Good luck and try to keep a open mind, not all women are bad.
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Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:58 AM CST
WOW! I understand were u coming from but listen to this. don't point fingers when people fail, they're ofen tempted to blame others for their lack of sucess. by pointing fingers,they sink into a victim mentality and cede their fate to outsiders. When playing the blame game, people rob themselves of learning from their failures and alienate others by refusing to take responsibility for mistakes.
Modern_Fairy
meath, Meath Ireland
Sun Apr 19, 2009 1:59 PM CST
im speachless that rarely happens
that is so true personally it never happened to me i had a nice guy and i new it. we were together 2yrs but in the end he thought i was taking advantage of him cuz i didn show my affecion enough but i could have been a bit nicer . ..
however . . .
ive had a few friends shallow and vain and they acted excatly how u described in that blog
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Sun Apr 19, 2009 7:24 PM CST
I agree with what girlnextdormouse said. Women are not attracted to insecure men. I think that the men who started out "nice guys" were insecure, got abused, then turned into bitter assholes.
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Mon Aug 3, 2009 10:56 PM CST
Oh man, I think I'm going to have to do my own blog on this subject now. lol I have too many thoughts flying around in my head to write just a brief note here. First off, Salem83 you make some extremely valid points and while I can't apologize for all of womankind I can certainly say that I've known plenty of women like that and might unknowingly be that woman to some guy out there.
I like to say that no matter how nice someone is, they're considered a complete a**hole to someone in this world.
I would like to point out, Salem83 that mr. nice guy who is following around behind this "girl o' his dreams" is probably NOT following around a nice girl and is probably NOT aware of the nice girl who is pining away for him from afar. So now you have a nice girl pining away for a nice guy who's fawning over a complete b***h who's dating a complete a**. Nice chain of command. Or maybe, just maybe, he is fawning over a "nice" girl. Doesn't mean they make a good couple. I'm friends with a guy because I KNOW we would never work out if we dated. Trust me, I've thought about it backwards and forwards.
Now, girlnextdormouse (I hope I remembered that right, I don't have the name in front of me) I definately understood your post and completely agree.
I once had a man (who I thought was cute and a "nice guy" even though he never gave me the time of day because he was always chasing after the girls he couldn't have) whine to me about "what do women want?" and I told him one word. Confidence. I agree that nice guys are swinging too far in that jello direction and are losing that balance they need. They're willing to become anything and do anything to get the girl. The nice guys I've met are losing thier sense of self because they want love or the girl so bad. This is just from my experience, I'm sure not every nice guy falls into that scenario but it's a trend I'm noticing.
Dang, I still posted a novel.
oh well.
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Tue Jan 19, 2010 7:30 AM CST
I absolutly love this. So raw, honest and sincere. Because we do wonder all the time... And this is exactly what happens. I love hearing a man's point of view on this subject. Thanks for sharing