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Lunch at the hospital
After my appointment yesterday I stopped in at the hospital canteen and treated myself to a roti for lunch. Curried chicken and potato bundled in a skin, rather like a wrap but more flexible. Picture a burrito aromatic with curry rather than beans
A woman walked over, said 'let me taste the roti' , picked it up, pulled off a corner and ate it. I just stared. Then she asked me to give her a dollar so she could buy one for herself because she only had five dollars. I just said no. She went away and came back about ten minutes later to tell me she had got the money so she had the roti.
I was still too discombobulated to pull the corner off her roti to replace the one of mine that she had eaten
Very surreal. About fifteen minutes earlier I had been explaining to the interns visiting during my appointment precisely why, when my doctor said,unfortunately the cells were malignant,I said fervently:"thank the gods!"
Simply because it means I am now referred to an oncologist and can actually start treatment rather than have to have my bowels, pancreas and uterus explored in search of the primary tumour. Leaving my brain on hold. My left side increasingly erratic, on the verge of dangerous in some cases - the shower, stairs, washing dishes - rather than entertaining and frustrating.
The radiotherapy department first gave me an appointment on June 2nd, which was advanced to May 19th and now I am slated to see him on May 13th. I was exploring family counselling through the cancer society for my mother and sister(I am not terribly available to be comforting right now) and someone who knows me and the oncologist made a phone call. I am very grateful as I do feel time matters right now.
It does make a difference when they look at you and say the cells are malignant. Even though you knew. It makes the air around you very still and quiet. Makes the moment rich and full. And deep inside a little voice goes "Shit! I really am going to do this!"
Then the dam breaks, and the future tries to form while the past is lost in its total irrelevance.I have never observed myself in shock before. This is really big shit! Much bigger than I had been thinking. And the little voice gets bigger and says" Wow. Very surreal."
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