Posted:Tue Dec 9, 2008 12:44 AM CST
Least I'm Not Bitter (Imaginary letter to the ex)
I don't blame you for being a negative anti social recluse who is terrified of life. I don't blame myself for being encaptured by your beauty, honesty and convictions.
I blame myself for believing things would change and, for the years that I spent putting everything into our future that we would talk about with hope and promise. You know the dreams that you had but never followed through with when it was time to go. Where working together would give us everything in this moment and the next? The reward is the journey but you had no intention of taking it and instead, I found myself continually alone - trying to make it ours. Lonely within our world and then, tired of being alone, I preferred being alive among the lonely than alone with a dead woman.
Yes, it takes two to tango but, it only takes one to try to do it with a dead person. That one was me for fifteen years. To close this letter, I wish to apologize to you for the insult but it is reality. Many men leave a woman for another believing things are better in another place. I left you for nothing knowing that it was lonely where I was going. I just knew it was less lonely than if I had stayed so your rival is emptiness.
tina_olson
Westby, Wisconsin USA
Tue Dec 9, 2008 4:11 PM CST
Very well wrote letter-some reminds me of how my own situation for 20 years was- just curious did you ever share that with her??
Drewski
Olds, Alberta Canada
Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:15 AM CST
Ya I did but not in the overall way i described it here. It was various incidents that repeated themselves such as making important decisions by myself, celebrations canceled at the last moment, not doing a thing together even with our child, constant complaints about everything that a normal person just takes in stride, fear of going anywhere and excuses for not doing same, chronic procrastination about virtually everything. Then there is more of course where I delve into whether she even loved me to begin with but, suffice to say, yes I did discuss this with her at points in time, usually from the other side of the bedroom door where she spent most of her time and, certainly while a discussion was underway or, a decision had to made.
This was not the first time this contention came out. She always said that she would try and I could tell that she was faking it. She'd agree to go canoeing with me and my daughter and then, when it came time to leave she would ask things like 'do we have to?' or 'how long do we have to do this' Socializing was a hoot as she was public figure and when we went out, people flocked to her. She was quite popular in small doses with people however, as soon as we walked into the room she would turn to me and groan 'God, loserville.'
The straw that broke the camels back was when I had lost over a hundred thirty thousand dollars due to a trucking outfit I was leased to going bankrupt. I had options and she didn't want to discuss any of them then, almost simultaneously my mother, whom she hated died and i was racked by guilt for not visiting more often as my family didn't want to go with me.
I paid her debts off with my savings, got a low professional appraisal of the house and paid off my half and gave her the thing, bought a houseful off furniture and moved out. I lived off what was left while accumulating paychecks in a safe and after eight months had enough to lease to own the truck I was driving. No money changed hands so I was able to start a life again. She didn't qualify for a mortgage so, the house is still in my name and, I just send her my army pension every month.
When people ask, she tells them 'Drew wants to be single.'
JimNastics
Kingston, New Jersey USA
Thu Dec 11, 2008 12:56 AM CST
Some people are so emotionally insecure that they shun responsibility of partaking in decisions. Often, that way, they can blame the other person, whenever something goes wrong. I'm guessing that you talked to her about your lonliness in the decision process. Did you try counseling ?