Advising a younger guy -
So, this guy, early 40s (I know, that's younger, how sad, moving on) he's bright, funny, has good qualifications and a good job which he does well. Plus he has written one reference book which is selling not badly and is working on the next. Keeper, eh?He's never had a successful relationship. I only know his side (obviously) but he goes for very shy sweet girls and after a year or two they get nervous when he pushes for more than a kiss on the cheek goodnight, and they eventually break up. And he is devastated for a while, then gets a crush on another girl.
He wants my advice. Well, obviously, go for girls who are attracted by slightly geeky shy types, and have some experience, and will teach him a thing or three before setting him loose again. Maybe it will even work out, first time out the box.
But WHERE? He jokingly suggested I pimp for him, find him someone blind or insane. Man, this guy's confidence is SHOT. He's a nice guy. Not handsome, but not at all repulsive. Too young for me, (a bit scared of me, too
) but a nice guy. Who will not go on a dating website, of course I suggested that.Ladies? Gents? your advice?
Comments (33)
Maybe you could tell him to go and see a shrink?
Alternatively, you could send him to me, I might be able to sort him out?
On second thoughts, if he is scared of you, I´ll probably scare the hell out of him too?
I don't know how to suggest a mature woman (rather than a shy girl) without making him think I'm hitting on him myself, eek
Try Salsa, Ceroc or Modern Jive.
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my advise ? give him my number... i'll make sure he is changing and surprising you...
but...but... still send first to Minerva for dancing lesson..
HI Mnerva..
He is way too young for you!
You will be like a grandmomma to him...
Go get him tiger....
.....
It depends what is the norm I suppose. that may work until he can save enough to go on the other dates you have lined up for him.
Ooooo what's happened to our banana man he's slowing down!
Only it's not unusual for women to zip off when a friend tries it on.
You could also offer him some riding lessons? - I mean go and see the horses..
Why am I the only guy to reply, is it woman's hour
This is why I said in my first comment that he should see a shrink.
One to one, he is extremely shy, even though in his job he has to deal with groups of trainees, and gets on well with them - person to person, that's different.
I have no idea how he is with women he fancies. With me he talks a blue streak, getting very animated, then apologizes for boring me. Then when I say he isn't, he talks a blue streak again. (We talk about writing issues)
Someone, sometime, has knocked him flat, that's a definite, and he has practically given up on finding a special person, which I think is a terrible waste because he is a goodie.
I can understand women being cautious around him because he is very intense and passionate on his subjects. He is a good (and intense) listener. He is not capable of light flirting, social small talk, and the social bit. I don't know if there has ever been anyone special, I do know there has never been a serious long-term relationship.
I don't know what a shrink would be able to do for him - give him social confidence? Turn him from a classic introvert into an extrovert? No shrink can do that.
Anyway. I told him I would think about ways for him to meet someone he found interesting, and I appealed to you guys, the experts, for ways to meet people other than websites, bars, big social groups, etc. Impossible, just like he told me? He is trying speed-dating this month so maybe he will meet someone and this will all be for nothing
I did suggest a writing group, because that's a small group with people sharing an interest. Then I went blank!
He's allergic to animals, so that cut out a whole range of options.
I'm not that into fixing it, he's not a relative, just a buddy met through social media, there's a group of us in Edinburgh and about 10 of us, on average, get together from time to time. Because we have writing in common, he tends to talk mainly to me.
Only raised the subject because I thought we are all people who have looked for other ways to meet someone. I guess we are also all people who failed to find other ways and that's why we are on CS.
I am not looking. Indeed even my profile says so. <Of course if Miss Right rings my doorbell, that's a different kettle of fish.>
Okay 'small' social groups. Maybe he should join a church group for singles? Some of the bigger churches host such mixers.
But of course until we get to the cruxt of what it is he does or doesn't do that keeps the dates in non-romantic mode, meeting the next one is a waste of time. It is obvious either something about how he selects the ladies he fixates on, or something about what he is doing or saying on the dates is the problem.
There is also the big, big question of why he keeps asking out the same women who cut him no slack? Why does he keep calling a woman who says no?
I am totally unable to see myself spending more than 5 or 6 times with a woman who says no, even to a goodnight kiss, but then again, I am not in that country so maybe all the women in Scotland say no (and I note it in my mental refernce card and would totally cross the women of Scotland off my list, were I actually looking).
I'm thinking highly intelligent, passionate about his interests, nice bloke, shy, proficient in his comfort zone, possibly missing social cues.
It can be quite difficult to negotiate relationships if people don't realise they have/their partner has traits, or understand how autistic spectrum traits and non-autistic traits may interact within a relationship.
But judging by the amount of women with several children by different daddies, they don't all say no ...