Posted:Mon Jul 6, 2009 4:55 PM CST
Love grows in me like a tumor.....
A Parasite bent on devouring it's host....
I’m developing my sense of humor......
Til I can laugh at my heart between your teeth.....
Til I can laugh at my face beneath your feet…....
Obviously, I think that I’m pretty well rounded these days. I mean it’s a given!
But were you ever in a relationship that just made you feel like all your efforts were in vain?
Repeatedly bashing your head against a brick wall is going to leave a dent.
We all make mistakes. But you know when whatever you’ve done wrong is thrown at you day in and day out that you should leave. You become immune to the bad that’s said to you.
When you hear any good, you are elated. The negativity makes you thrive some positivity. It’s a horrible cycle, a battery running out of juice once recharged, you can take a bit more draining.
I used to get stuck in these kinds of relationships until last year I decided no more.
I’d rather be alone and only have myself to conflict with than be with someone who’s quest is to make you doubt yourself constantly. All things start out so well. The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. Seemingly though, bad habits are the easiest to form. Now any potential male interest reading this will run for the hills. I should care about being so “vocal” but you know what, fuck it.
I have been single (aside from some flash in the pan flings) for the past year and a half about. In that time, I have not once cried just because I am who I am. I have however cried that someone might not think I’m good enough, or like me. One might say that could account for low self esteem. Honestly though, I am pretty self assured. It’s only when someone else comes into the mix that makes me feel inadequate that I begin to doubt myself.
It’s odd that, I’m a fan of the penis, yet when a creature bearing one insults me I’m off thinking how I can improve myself. Rarely I think, what an asshole, when it should be my first port of call.
So in the past couple of weeks, I’ve been doing a little exercise. I think of something everyday to write.
Whether I publish it to my blog is neither here nor there. I am betting no-one wants to read of my sex-capades or thoughts on Jeebus or Oprah. But I’ve noticed a trend in my writing.
I like who I am. I laugh at who I am. Not in a mocking way but because I entertain myself, which is a valuable skill if you live in rural Ireland without a car! I don’t think I’m Gods gift but I’m pretty sure of the fact that I’ll be of use to someone.
All these things that I have done, or more-so the things that I haven’t are just minor details in a much larger picture.
We ought to not be so hard on ourselves. We ought to realize that we cannot jump into someone elses skins. We are stuck with our own. There is no point of having a defeatist attitude and pondering if you will ever be appealing enough to capture the attention of the one you want.
If the one you want doesn’t want you, are you really sure that they’re deserving of your affection?
Wake up tomorrow, knowing it’s a new day and you are in control of your own destiny. How Dr. Phil!!
No-one can ever tear me down unless I let them. We must grow a pair of proverbial balls and stop whining about what we’re missing or lacking, whether it be money, a man, a pair of breast implants and learn to not only be happy with our lot but realize that our lot is of our own making.
Am I lonely anymore? Not really. I have a good heart and a good mind. Someone will realize that, eventually. I’m no longer in a rush. If it’s true that we only get one shot, when it happens if it happens, then I want the arrow of Eros, to penetrate my rib cage and lodge in my fleshy beating heart.
Continued in comment...