Posted:Sat Jul 11, 2009 11:39 AM CST
This is the Gospel, according to Hess..
Never put skinny jeans in the dryer. When you go to put them on, you’ll look like a badly wrapped piece of ham.
Drink pints of beer, it’s cheaper than bottles. Which equates to more money being saved and an increased level of drunkeness.
Heineken is the nectar of the Gods.
Don’t spend a fortune on things you don’t need. Like that handbag for €300. That equates to exactly 75 pints of Heineken. Or a weekend away somewhere. Time spent being drunk, in a new place and or laughing are invaluable. A handbag holds more shit you don’t need.
Take more pictures. I love pictures. You see them and the memory and feeling of a night out, a BBQ with family, a special occasion.. For a few brief seconds the nostalgia brings you right back to that place.
Oh Oh Oh, don’t let your partner take naked pictures of you. They could end up on the innnnnnernet. 
Be sure to laugh a few times a day. If you don’t laugh once a day then you are definitely going to hell. This is my gospel, my rules, don‘t mess with it. In my Hell, you’ll be forced to eat rice crackers and non alcoholic beer. I shudder at the thought.
It IS important who Lataviahs baby Daddy is. If your Dad asks you this while watching Maury, inform him that this is written, in the Gospel of the Hess.
Dr. Phil does speak some truths. Don’t be so quick to box him into the money-making -mustache wearing-asshole category. He’s a Texan hottie, he speaks the truth.
Listen to at least one Grrr Irish Trad song a day. But try to refrain from wanting to kill the British afterward. Absorb the spirit, not the hatred.
Become a member of the fuck it committee. Let no-one tell you how to live your life, live it as you see fit, just make sure you’re happy most of the time.
Aliens do exist. I know any day now, my real parents from Planet Heino, will come down from the skies to pick me up. Heineken was put on earth to weaken me, but I take it on the chin.
I am going out tonight, to get drunk.
I will preach more Gospel of the Hess. Take these words not long written down (well like 8 mins) and advocate my teachings wherever you go.
I have it on my Myspace for 3 years now, that I plan on setting up my own religion.
Today is the day my friends.
All hail the Hessiah.
As always, smiling and signing out.
Hess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0 (Watch it, or else feel the wrath of a hyper Irish Girl, I'll be after yer lucky charms)