Posted:Sat Jul 18, 2009 1:33 PM CST
Marionettes on weakening cables
Huddled up with fear and hate
Because they know their fate and it's a lot to put them through.
Sometimes one has to come to terms that one has been a fucking asshole.
An unintentional asshole, but nonetheless, an asshole.
I always want truth to come out. Why?
I guess I feel bad for years of ignoring my instinct, always telling myself that I just wanted to fuck things up for myself. I always used to do this when I was younger, gag the voice of instinct until it began to throw a fit, like a panic rat scurrying furiously, gnawing at me, to LISTEN.
To look at me, one might think that I love myself or think that I’m better than others. I have been told this a few times by two women, I don‘t think it‘s jealousy I think it‘s genuinely the way they see me. I try to project a 100% self assured image . Now I am not about to go full circle and say that I am dowsed in self doubt and self loathing, because I am not. Mostly, I think I’m A O.K.
There are some things that I am good at. I think I write expressively and articulately. I am good at making friends, with random strangers. I can sink a good few beers. I have a way with animals. I am a vicious flirt, with little shame and apparently a brilliant kisser. My family is the sun to me. I guess the good of these qualities is quite subjective, but they are things I like about me.
Now for the less than desirable things, I mean, I don’t have a career, my own place, or a car. I have a zest for life, but my life isn’t exactly easily defined. It’s different than most grown ups, I know that much. I stutter when I’m nervous in certain social situations, interviews do the same humiliating thing to my speech. I mean if I could always have a few beers on me, I’d have zero nerves. But apparently society frowns upon this?
Another bad quality, I’m relentless when I think people are being wronged when it’s not my place to say anything or get involved. I have learned this recently. Through yet another online scuffle. It’s not my place, I have no right to say anything, although to be fair, this occurrence was an unintentional minefield of a subject I had brought up. I hadn’t been informed of recent events and posted a thread about weeding out fakes amongst us. I can’t say I’m a victim as I drew the shit-storm upon myself. This I admit. If I had been aware of the recent activity, I would not have posted a thread detailing a way to weed out the bogus and malcontent in our midst.
I don’t want to be seen as a shitty person. I mean, it beggars belief why anyone would want to draw trouble on themselves, I’m for the easy life. So I have resigned to a simple fact, that as well as shady characters existing in real life, there are going to be more of them online. Where you don’t have to stick around for the consequences of your actions, the words you throw, they will come by the dozens with their sticks in buckets of shit. If I think that awareness will stop them, then I’m an idiot. I will just draw more unwanted criticism upon myself. Which Golly, I did in style last time. “Why it means so much to me…… Why do I care…It‘s not anyones place to decide who‘s fake or not…”
As much as it galls me, the criticism is warranted. I shouldn’t care. I can only protect myself and cannot be responsible for what other people allow themselves to believe. My instinct is not their instinct, my prerogative, is not theirs. So having thought about it all, fuck it. It’s not my place to play Jessica Fletcher, or to try and ensure that no-one is wronged. It happens everyday, in real life, online life, so looks like I’ll finally have to have a spoonful of a concoction of my own creation….. A dose of get the fuck over it.
I plan on sticking around. I don’t feel I have done anything outwardly wrong, aside from wanting everyone online to be genuine. Which yes, makes me a naïve, idealistic asshole. A bad person? I think not.
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