TED Talks:The Power of Vulnerability 2

So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to ourlives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in socialjustice and mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability tofeel connected, is - neurobiologically that's how we're wired - it's why we're here. So I thought, youknow what, I'm going to start with connection. Well you know that situation where you get anevaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, and one thing - anopportunity for growth? (Laughter) And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right. Well apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people aboutlove, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you theirmost excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, thestories they told me were about disconnection.

So very quickly - really about six weeks into this research - I ran into this unnamed thing thatabsolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so Ipulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out tobe shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there somethingabout me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection. The things Ican tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shamehave no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the lessyou talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not goodenough," - which we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, richenough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned thiswas excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allowourselves to be seen, really seen.