TED Talks:The Power of Vulnerability 4

The other thing that they had in common was this. They fully embraced vulnerability. Theybelieved that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerabilitybeing comfortable, nor did they talk about it being excruciating - as I had heard it earlier in theshame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness tosay "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, thewillingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willingto invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.

I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research - thedefinition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason tocontrol and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that theway to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown - (Laughter) - which actually looked more like this. (Laughter) And it did. I called it a breakdown, my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, butI assure you it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let metell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need tosee somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (Laughter) I was like, "What does that mean?" Andthey're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick." I was like,
"Okay."

So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana - I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." Shesaid, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go tothose, because their B.S. meters are good. (Laughter) And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'mstruggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well,
I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and ourstruggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing, nofamily stuff, no childhood shit." (Laughter) "I just need some strategies." (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. So she goes like this. (Laughter) And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It'sneither good, nor bad." (Laughter) "It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going tosuck." (Laughter)