TED Talks:The Power of Vulnerability 6

And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you knowhow there are people that, when they realize that vulnerabilityand tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk intoit. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with peoplelike that. (Laughter) For me, it was a yearlong street fight. Itwas a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost thefight, but probably won my life back.

And so then I went back into the research and spent the nextcouple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they weremaking, and what are we doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alonein struggling with vulnerability? No. So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability - when we'rewaiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and ahalf, I had a 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask myhusband for help, because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to callback; getting laid-off; laying-off people - this is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

And I think there's evidence - and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's ahuge cause - we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is - and I learned this from the research - that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment, I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and abanana nut muffin. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. Ihack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings withoutnumbing the affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, wenumb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are lookingfor purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and abanana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't justhave to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore.

There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? Away to discharge pain and discomfort.