rubendario Blog Post: Thu Sep 17, 2009 8:34 AM CST

rubendario Hartford, Connecticut USA
Posted:Thu Sep 17, 2009 8:34 AM CST

Define dating, establish honest commmunication

I think the problem lies in the definition of dating. Not everyone's definition is the same. When you meet someone you should establish honesty and that definition before proceeding further.

Some people think sleeping with those you date is ok! I don't! When your intimate with some one, you made a choice and a commitment. Commitment involves the responsibility of being transparent to your partner and their feelings and emotions.
Sleeping with more than one person is not dating!! At least in my book. It's playing around.

As everyone is looking for the perfect person(perfect for them) then dating should be about meeting several people for coffee, tea, lunch or dinner as a platonic way to get to know them. So is chatting with different people on different dating sites! Then as time gos on and people are added or drop from your dating list then it suppose to be slowly dwindling down to the best choice. Then you make a commitment and then if you decide it's right, you begin the intimacy stage.

I know you all know all this already, but the problem lies in that this definition is not defined and transparency is not established in the beginning. Then it's doomed to fail from the start. I am not talking about real players, this can happen with two good decent people. The communication is not properly established and one person thinks he/she is committed while the other person still thinks they are dating!! So, of course your going to catch them chatting with someone else on another site.

Perfect example; Two people meet and begin chatting and phoning daily sometimes for many hours. One person seas this as a match and commitment while the other is doing the same with another person. Both are so caught up they do not fully communicate what they are doing and both are assuming. Then either the communication is abruptly stopped or one is caught chatting with another on another site. Throw in some sexually charged flirting and you have a perfect mix for disaster just waiting to happen.

What is the problem with telling someone, "your great, I like you allot, but I am not ready to commit yet and I am dating others?" It takes time to know someone and you can't commit until you know them well. It's like buying a machine without the manual. Of course again, it's about the communication, you don't say this to someone after having had an intimate encounters with them. Again, it's the honest communication and the definition of dating that is important, at least to get off to the proper start. Honestly defining dating can match the players with the players and the real daters with the real daters. People need to spell it out "I am committed to you," "I am not sure yet, give me more time, I am dating others." The problem also lies in that most people want to be exclusive without communicating it, that is not realistic and also set's them up for failure.

I know, I know, easier said than done, that's just the way I see it and I can see all failures can be traced down to that lack of honest transparent definition of dating from the beginning.
I think a large percentage of beginning relationships never get off the ground due to poor communication. But, I am just like you all, I am learning all the time and all the above is subject to change, it's the only way to keep growing. That's JMO!!dunno grin cool

195 Views | 7 Comments



Comments

images
rubendario Hartford, Connecticut USA
Thu Sep 17, 2009 8:53 AM CST
After writing all that, the challenge! How do you establish honesty with someone you never meet?
images
joy61 Maryville, Tennessee USA
Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:17 AM CST
javascript:emot('cheering');javascript:emot('cheering');javascript:emot('cheering');javascript:emot('cheering');

Thank you for saying it so clearly. In the workplace we joke about "communication by mental telepathy". When I was in school, back before dinosaurs roamed the earth, there was a custom called "going steady". In the 70's, the free love generation threw all the rules and customs in the trash bin and now dating is like driving with no stoplights or stop signs, and half the drivers are driving on the left side of the road, English-style.

Maybe the Sherman Tank personalities could bully their way through the chaos. I was a shy, gentle soul and became so discouraged that I married the first man who would have me. He was an abusive alcoholic. My second marriage (to a schizophrenic) was a little better, but it broke up, too, as his illness progressed.

When I am honest with potential dates, I never hear from them again. I won't even use the word "date". I say activity partner.
images
darnellaaronm lilburn, Georgia USA
Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:06 PM CST
Personally I perfer to lead with my heart. Which gets me in hot water most of the times but none the less the passion is what I yearn for.Rubendario transparency is safe but who would get laid if they knew that most relationships will end in failure.I say live and come what may.heart1 heart1 heart beating
images
rubendario Hartford, Connecticut USA
Fri Sep 18, 2009 8:30 AM CST
joy61- "Thank you for saying it so clearly." You're welcome "In the workplace we joke about "communication by mental telepathy"." That's funny!laugh "When I was in school, back before dinosaurs roamed the earth, there was a custom called "going steady". In the 70's, the free love generation threw all the rules and customs in the trash bin and now dating is like driving with no stoplights or stop signs, and half the drivers are driving on the left side of the road, English-style." Good analogy!!

"Maybe the Sherman Tank personalities could bully their way through the chaos. I was a shy, gentle soul and became so discouraged that I married the first man who would have me. He was an abusive alcoholic. My second marriage (to a schizophrenic) was a little better, but it broke up, too, as his illness progressed." I am glad those experiences didn't diminish your sense of humor!!

joy61, thank you for your comment, I enjoyed reading it!bouquet
images
rubendario Hartford, Connecticut USA
Fri Sep 18, 2009 8:49 AM CST
darnellaaronm- "Personally I perfer to lead with my heart. Which gets me in hot water most of the times but none the less the passion is what I yearn for." Does passion come before compatibility? Using this method of communication, how do you apply discernment?
"Rubendario transparency is safe but who would get laid if they knew that most relationships will end in failure.I say live and come what may."As expressed in my blog, they fail because the definitions and communication has not been properly formed, hence, the lack of a properly formed communications foundation. "who would get laid," This all depends on what you want, getting laid from time to time, or finding the most compatible woman to spend making love for the rest of your life.

darnellaaronm- thanks for commenting, thought provoking response!thumbs up
Raven0 Right here, Alberta Canada
Fri Sep 18, 2009 10:49 PM CST
It's interesting really.
Alot of the times people won't ask about exclusive relationships, because that they don't really want to know.
In most cases, I think it's instinct that quietly mentions that something isn't what you think it is.
And of course, on the other side of things, who thinks to mention that they are dating many others if they think it's perfect acceptable anyways.

But I suppose in the nutshell, I really haven't a clue.
I make it fairly clear that when I'm talking to people I'm only in it for the conversation.
Only once in the past few years have I found it's more than just talky talk.
images
rubendario Hartford, Connecticut USA
Sat Sep 19, 2009 1:12 AM CST
Raven0 - "It's interesting really.
Alot of the times people won't ask about exclusive relationships, because that they don't really want to know." That's so true! But, we don't want to share a person with anyone.
"In most cases, I think it's instinct that quietly mentions that something isn't what you think it is."We seem to ignore our instincts or intuition, at least more of us. I know I have many times.
"And of course, on the other side of things, who thinks to mention that they are dating many others if they think it's perfect acceptable anyways." Then there are those with FWB and thy don't even consider that dating..as they are just a friend.

"But I suppose in the nutshell, I really haven't a clue.
I make it fairly clear that when I'm talking to people I'm only in it for the conversation. Only once in the past few years have I found it's more than just talky talk." Well, I hope I can figure it out, by the time my chains are removed! cool

Raven0 - thanks for commenting, I enjoyed the cerebral stimulation!! bouquet

rubendario Recent Blog Posts








If this blog is offensive, click here to report it»