solost82 Blog Post: Thu Oct 29, 2009 5:52 PM CST

solost82 Half Moon Bay, California USA
Posted:Thu Oct 29, 2009 5:52 PM CST

You got me, how'd you know?

So much for mystery. Looks like I'm found out. Oh the depression, the heartache, the pain, it's all just too much to bear!

~Emery (Don't Bore Us, Get to the Chorus)

So we sit and we wait
For the curtains to fall
And there are words we could use
But should never say at all
But you do, you do, you do
You do, you do, you do

We met in the courtyard
Where no one would notice
Two kids contemplating
All high school had shown us

And I told you I loved you
And I knew you believed it
As I quited my conscience
Hoping you wouldn't see it
But I do, I do, I do
I do, I do, I do

I just want to be with you tonight
The mood is set and we're here by candlelight
I paid my dues so don't be rude
Stop putting up a fight
I just want to get with you tonight

But "No" they say
What doesn't kill you
Makes you stronger
But the questions remain
Until you can't take it any longer

But I am still so young
And I didn't know I could be so dumb
And you your still so young
But now I know that you're so dumb

He's never gonna go away
I'm never gonna go away

So what about you?
Never satisfied
I'm never satisfied
Never satisfied
So let them all fall
Side by side

Side by side
One more will fall tonight

~~~

So now I sit, here
With my head in my hands
Listening to
What the voices demand
But I can't, I can't, I can't
I can't, I can't

You left me in the courtyard,
I hoped no one had noticed,
The failure I was
That became so obvious
But I can't, I can't, I can't
I can't, I can't

You told me you loved me
I never believed it
As I choked on my conscience
Hoping you didn't hear it
But I can't, I can't, I can't
I can't, I can't

I just wanted to be with you last night
The mood was set there by star light
I told the truth there was no ruse
But you still put up a fight
I just wanted to get with you last night

They're never gonna go away
You're never gonna go away
And They still haven't gone away,
But you'll never come again

I swear I understand now. I love you.

~~~

Ultimately, I'm discovered, found out. It was all a fasod, all of it, fake. All of your assumptions are satisfied now. I'm what you believed me to be. Forgive my wretchedness. Who did I think I was fooling? Certainly not you, oh definitely not you. You knew it all along. You are so discerning with your far greater experience in all things concerning love and life. I am but one pathetic man groping in the dark for a glint of purpose. I'm young and dumb. You're absolutely right, I should take my place beneath you, because you have been through so much more than I could imagine. How could I ever aspire to be like you? All my feelings and emotions are not yet fully developed, so I could never understand the true meaning of pain, love, and loss. After all, I am less than a man, because until I am able to realize that I am in fact better than others and take pride in myself whether it be out of self pity or conceit, I will not achieve my manhood. Forgive me for having ever doubted you.

162 Views | 3 Comments



Comments

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melodyy colombo Sri Lanka
Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:52 AM CST
Hey buddy, I can assume things by reading your blogs, but I won’t!! Let me tell ya why.

I used to write like you (I mean the style and the flow and the ambiguity to someone who doesn’t know me personally) when I was young, may be when I was 15y-18y. No one understood the exact connection my writings had to me. No one but me knew what I tried to express and I was not bothered whether anyone understood what i tried to express or not. It’s simply that, I had something to tell and it was mainly the story of my inner feelings. In fact, there would have been or would not have been an issue. Its like..hmmm..how can I put it? Ahh, It’s that you question yourself and also answer yourself!. Your questions and answers are not obvious to any outsider, its kind of self realization or may be its just nothing. So I will not assume, I will simply read and refrain from making a judgment or an assumption.

Life is something simple yet complicated. Your issues are yours and mine are mine!! Sometimes we just express ourselves. We don’t want anyone to express anything on what we express, irrespective of them being close or distant. (well having said that, the effect on us of what someone close to us expresses is obviously more than to someone distant expresses) Even if they express their opinion, since they do not exactly (I stress the word “exactly”) know our inner-selves, most of the time, we just shrug off what they express. We are not so humble to adopt anyone else's opinion in its entirety. However, sometimes, what they express just brushes our hearts(minds) out of respect and we show them that we listened or we valued what they expressed, coz we believe that they may have been genuinely concerned about us, when expressing their opinion . But the bottom line is, we are still the stubborn “Individuals” we are!! As far as we wear the tag “individual” we take pride in being different or let’s say being “special”!!

If you are passing a period of self realization, keep going. Even that little bit is not for me to say. You are an intelligent individual and you know what you should do.

I appreciate your writing. Coz I can relate to it. Thank you for sharing your style.
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solost82 Half Moon Bay, California USA
Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:55 PM CST
Your open mindedness is beautiful to me. I appreciate all the insight that you offered. I will certainly take it to heart and keep it in mind. It's also very evident that you have a big heart.

You are right Melodyy, in many ways and on many different levels. We do often express our emotions and feelings, but that doesn't mean we want to do so at the mercy of other people (and yes, there are many of good hearted people out there, I'm not saying there aren't) who as humans do, tend to be mean spirited and cruel. So sometimes we resort to complicating expressions and behavior to protect against narrow minded people and their insults. Many a time, we do so unknowingly. It's like a defense mechanism in a way.

As an intelligent race, we're always learning and growing, individually as well as a whole. A lot of people often times forget this. The young ones think no one understands them, and no one can relate. And the old ones think there's nothing new under the sun and forget what it was like to be young. In truth, both are right in their own way. It IS becoming increasingly difficult for people to relate to the younger generations. The rapid technological advances, and our sociological changes and progression no longer simply allows the difference between children and adults, but creates gaps between every generation... Each one feeling like no one else can relate except fellow members of that generation. Ultimately younger generations think they know more that the previous generation because of the understanding of technology youngsters develop from early on. Older generations (please keep in mind that all this is from a general standpoint, and there's always exceptions) tend to reject the views and philosophies from the up and coming generations because they think young people have it too easy. The only thing that will always remain the same is the concept that everything will continue to change.
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solost82 Half Moon Bay, California USA
Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:55 PM CST
Continued-

All this having been said, some people get caught in the cracks and feel lost. Maybe they're of the younger generation but instead of embracing all of the rapid progression and changing trends, they look back to older values and philosophies. They're drawn to a previous way of life, or a simpler time. Maybe they more of an open mind than they should have, or not necessarily that they "should" have, but than their peers. So caught between two different time periods and caught in the unrelenting flow of time, they become confused. Then amongst everyone else who feels like no one can relate, they feel like there's no hope whatsoever. Rejected by peers for not sharing the same shallow self centered outlook on life that their peers share, and labeled by the older generations as a typical young person without a direction, they retract. Then they complicate everything to the extent that no one knows what the hell they are talking about, and so they just are just written off as mentally ill and estranged. It's easier to handle to think you may have a mental illness than it is to realize that there is no place for you. So subconsciously you assume a form of instability to protect you from the pain of non-relation. So torn between worlds of misunderstanding and rejection, they become confused. They don't know how to develope into a well rounded individual because they don't know how to explain just exactly what's wrong, and if they do manage to get the point across, they get no less than stupid looks or comments. They become almost like a hybrid between a child and an adult. They reach the full capacity to be and act like an adult, but they feel more natural in an immature environment, the environment of their generation. Because ultimately they never really got past what they never really got experience with their peers, the ones who they should have been a part of. Then love and emotions become an issue. By now they're so screwed up they're a walking mental catastrophic disaster.

Which brings us back around to what they write and why. They write it in hopes that maybe someone that can relate will find them and be able to help them find whatever it is they are looking for. But they do so in a way that will help narrow down the search for like minds. Those who don't understand or even care to try to understand just disregard it, or attack it with pathetic insults which can be overcome by a healthy respect for words and their usage. So in conclusion, I hope I didn't stray too far off track, or give too much away...

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