guitarstrings Forum Posts

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guitarstrings Forum Posts

Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: Jul 2, 2008, 7:28 AM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: Jun 29, 2008, 10:23 AM CST
Yep, that's what's missing in my life ... a three-wheeled tractor!

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing


A good wife can bring balance to your life!: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: Jun 23, 2008, 4:27 PM CST

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?' He asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out into the porch of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Bubba. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh!t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!





Walmart Interview: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: Jun 22, 2008, 9:32 PM CST


I used to be indecisive ~ Now I'm not sure.

cheers


Come cheer me up thread: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: Jun 13, 2008, 12:51 PM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: Jun 13, 2008, 12:48 PM CST
At Prison: You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell.
At Work: You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle.

At Prison: You get three meals a day, fully paid for.
At Work: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

At Prison: For good behavior, you get time off.
At Work: For good behavior, you get more work.

At Prison: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work: You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

At Prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At Work: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

At Prison: You get your own toilet.
At Work: You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat.

At Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work: You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.

At Prison: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At Work: You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

At Prison: You spend most of your life inside Bars wanting to get out.
At Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside Bars.

At Prison: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
At Work: They are called “managers”.




The Difference between Work and Prison: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 28, 2008, 3:31 PM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 27, 2008, 11:22 PM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 27, 2008, 11:18 PM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 24, 2008, 4:09 PM CST
Farmer Brown was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called "pullets," and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was quickly replaced.

This took an inordinate amount of time, so he bought some little bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now the farmer could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster, an oldie by the name of Homer, was a very fine specimen, considering the bird's age, but this morning he noticed old Homer's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to check things out, he saw the other rooster were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Farmer Brown's amazement, old Homer had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and strut off to the next one. Farmer Brown was so impressed with old Homer, he entered him in the County Fair and Homer became an overnight sensation.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Homer the No Bell Piece Prize, but the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Homer was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace, and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year ... watch out for no bells...............




Homer the Rooster: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 24, 2008, 4:05 PM CST
In a small town in Texas, a resident prepared to start up a bar/tavern business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign with petitions and prayers in an attempt to prevent the establishment from opening.

Work progressed, however, right up to the week of opening when a lightning hit the building, causing it to burn to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building either through direct or indirect actions by their prayers and petitions.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in a Statement of Defense.

As the case made it way through the Courts, the judge looked over all of the paperwork, and at the Hearing commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this. It appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that does not."

cheers


The Tavern and The Church: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 22, 2008, 9:49 PM CST
Yep, love that crazy Canuck humor......we do tend to laugh at ourselves best. Thanx for the laugh.


thumbs up dancing banana


American and Canadian Jokes---A giggle for both countries............: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 22, 2008, 7:02 PM CST
They're all fabulous, but my fave is 'If Dad raised the kids." Hilarious.
applause thumbs up


funny pics: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 22, 2008, 6:46 PM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 22, 2008, 3:39 PM CST
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Ricky, the 11 year
old kid next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over to take a look. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem in short order.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless asked,
"An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an I D ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D I 0 T


I used the like that kid next door .........................




A Computer Problem: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 21, 2008, 10:41 AM CST
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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 20, 2008, 1:00 PM CST
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'

'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.'

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me grimly and said, 'Then why do you give a sh!t?



Will I Be 80?: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 14, 2008, 12:07 PM CST
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone to date.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences."




My Condolences ?: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 12, 2008, 8:17 AM CST
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you loved me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you loved me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please --- come on.
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for Heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, Yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.


Middle of the Night Discussion: click here to read the entire thread »

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Manitoba dating
Guitarstrings
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada
Posted: May 9, 2008, 2:14 PM CST
This is not a joke however, I thought I'd stick it in here seeing there are a lot of good folks here and tomorrow is Mother's Day.

****************

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Please feel free to share this little story (I JUST DID); to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!

Thanks to Gloria for this one.



A Tribute to Mothers Everywhere: click here to read the entire thread »

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