Myth Magic Truth and Lies - Part 3
Because we treat the penis-centred experience of male ejaculation as the ultimate in physical pleasure and the only indicator of successfully completed sexual union, not only is female orgasm relegated to a position of minimized importance, but men aren’t encouraged to explore their bodily responses and experience the expanded possibilities for pleasure opened up by extended arousal. Very rarely do we discuss why women want and need more foreplay, much less why men might want it too--and almost never do we give men good incentive for, or good advice about, spending more of their time and erotic energies on foreplay. Nor do we, as a culture, teach men how to spend more time on arousal without getting physically over stimulated and thus risking the ego-shattering experience of turning into the one-minute man when intercourse actually happens.
Foreplay & gender: a few additional thoughts to consider: Men--when your partner is fully aroused, she’s more likely to be open to new things, more eager to bring you pleasure, and to leave with a positive impression of the sexual encounter--regardless of what happens during actual intercourse. Also, a highly stimulated and aroused woman feels better during sex--beyond the obvious question of vaginal lubrication, extended arousal phase causes all the tissues of the vaginal wall to swell, making her both softer in texture and tighter around you. Now, what’s not to like about that?
And, while oral sex is great fun for all concerned, it’s not only not the end-all and be-all of foreplay, the “I do you, now you do me, then we fuck” approach can lead to some seriously unfulfilling lovemaking. Foreplay can be fun and stimulating for both parties, without resulting in premature ejaculation and a disappointingly short romp in the sack, a sore jaw, or a mounting sense of futility--you know, that “what’s the point of this” feeling.
Women--if you don’t really know, or can’t bring yourself to tell your partner, what gets you really hot for him, it’s not fair to put all the blame on him if the sex isn’t great. Learning to be a good lover takes time, patience, and practice--and even if your partner is interested in improving his skills, there are limits to what can be generalized. Every woman’s body and mind is unique unto her, and if you expect your partner to learn what you like by trial-and-error then know that it’s likely to take a long time, or cause him to give up out of frustration. And if you want to steer his efforts, do it gently and positively, okay? Nobody likes to be criticized, particularly while they’re naked. Be sensitive to his feelings in this because whether he admits it or not, a fair amount of his self-esteem is wrapped up in his desirability and performance as a lover.
Also, foreplay isn’t a one-way street. While there are some obvious visual triggers and “hot spots” that can get a man ready for sex quickly, paying attention to a man’s whole body will still feel very good for him, and will slow down the arousal process a bit and help prevent that hair-trigger phenomenon that everybody hates. And if you would like to get extended and more diverse attention paid to your body, giving it to him first is a good non-verbal way of trying to express your desires and teach him to fulfil them. Plus, contrary to conventional wisdom, slowing down the male arousal phase actually leads to longer and more intense ejaculations and even the all-too-rare phenomenon of the multiply orgasmic man.
Myth Magic Truth and Lies - Part 1: click here to read the entire thread »