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PARROT



A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,






'Hi, Keith, nice to see you again!





Parrot joke: click here to read the entire thread »

Why men don't write advice columns.
>
>
> Dear Uncle John:
>
> I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off
> for work leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I
> hadn't gone more than a
> mile down the road when my engine conked out and the
> car shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
> When I got home I
> couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with
> a neighbour lady making
> mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is
> 34 and we have been
> married for twelve years.
>
>
>
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
> that he'd been having an
> affair for the past six months. I told him to stop
> or I would leave him. He
> was let go from his job six months ago and he says
> he has been feeling
> increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
> very much, but ever since I
> gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
> distant. I don't feel I
> can get through to him anymore.
>
> Can you please help?
>
> Sincerely,
> Sheila
>
>
> Dear Sheila:
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance
> can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking
> that there is no debris
> in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee
> clips holding the vacuum
> pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
> approaches solves the
> problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
> faulty, causing low
> delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
>
> I hope this helps.
>
> John



Dear John lol: click here to read the entire thread »

40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No t*ts
Average looking...............Has a face like an a*se
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was f*cked to bits at Uni'
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former sl*t
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned.........................No BJs or a*al
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................B*tch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large lady.................................HugelyFat
Wants Soulmate...............................Stalker
Widow.........................................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Su re, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with
me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a
lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something
expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should
be obvious by now
16.You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
ever think about? 17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick
off your shoes and find a good game onTV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today
that you're really not going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with
you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have
sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have
sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for
other men tohave sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want
to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress ; you by
showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to
have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =
I'm gay



Mens English, Womens English: click here to read the entire thread »

Actual ads from the Lonely Hearts pages of ' Ireland 's Own



Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------
Donegal man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
------------------------------
Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
-------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
--------------------------
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
--------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
-------- ------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with a lovely chest.
------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.
--------------------------
Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
Thurles area.
--------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches



Irish dating adds!: click here to read the entire thread »

Computer Skills: click here to read the entire thread »

you are very welcome


Evening.... : click here to read the entire thread »

so very true hunny!


GRRRRRRRRREAT!!: click here to read the entire thread »

GRRRRRRRRREAT!!: click here to read the entire thread »

not at all you are a very good looking girl dont let ne one tell you different!


do i look retarded : click here to read the entire thread »

thats just plain mean doing that


IS THIS NASTY OR WHAT????????????: click here to read the entire thread »

Ya see arent you so glad that you have me to confide in!


Possessive people and Jealousy: click here to read the entire thread »

Dont worry babe your secrets safe with me I wont tell anyone that you used to be Eurpho mums the word


Possessive people and Jealousy: click here to read the entire thread »

Hi Claayer what happened with the name change have you entered the C.S. witness protection programme I’ve heard rumours of it


Possessive people and Jealousy: click here to read the entire thread »

Ya its a good laugh and you?


Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »

Im very well thanks just home from work


Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »

Hiya how are you?


Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »

Shameful!


Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »

Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »

XXX


Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »

Ya I would to butterfly


Would you kiss the person who posted before you?: click here to read the entire thread »