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Humorous English Signs From Around The World

TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.

PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.

RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the lastest methodists.

ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.

COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

ACUPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor


ENGLISH 101: click here to read the entire thread »

TODDLER'S CREED (DOES NOT JUST APPLY TO TODDLERS LOL)

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.

If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.


25 THOUGHTS ON.......: click here to read the entire thread »

25 Ways to Cope With Stress

l. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's husband/wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule", and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.



25 THOUGHTS ON.......: click here to read the entire thread »

25 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS

1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.


25 THOUGHTS ON.......: click here to read the entire thread »

Cat Jokes

* Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
* Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

* What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
* Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
* What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
* What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
* What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
* How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
* Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
* Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
* Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
* What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
* What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
* What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
* What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
* What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
* What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
* Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
* What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
* What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
* What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
* If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
* Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
* If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
* Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
* How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
* What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
* What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
* What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
* What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
* How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
* What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
* Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
* What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
* What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
* How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
* Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
* If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
* What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
* What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
* Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
* Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
* What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
* What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
* What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
* Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
* What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
* Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
* Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: click here to read the entire thread »

arf arf arf : click here to read the entire thread »

..ummmmm oook,Gordy with a shitzu in Yellowknife.....
Gordy with a husky,malamute,shepard or anything over 20 lbs maybe but a shitzu in yellowknife.......goodone
just teasing....now no shoving pills up its.......


arf arf arf : click here to read the entire thread »

she's a good traveller and better friend


Lets play & make a comment about.....: click here to read the entire thread »

ur assumimg i have a life


This seems so true!!: click here to read the entire thread »

hope ur racking up the frequent flier miles
all joking aside though...hope it works out.


Nite nite: click here to read the entire thread »

want a job?


HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: click here to read the entire thread »

Ok....I'm on a cat craze....I spend all day with dogs so deal with it lol.



by Peggy Althoff



1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press it's mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.




HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: click here to read the entire thread »

Do they have the same thing for foreplay?....ahhhhh never mind lol.




Preamble: Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.

PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

4.1 GAMES:
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.

b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.

WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.



Guide to CatPlay: click here to read the entire thread »

Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!

Day 780 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?


The cat diaries: click here to read the entire thread »

Diary 1

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Diary 2

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and how to use it to my advantage.
Diary 3

DAY 774 -
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?

Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.
Diary 4

Day 777 -
The wardens take much interest in our shit. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in shit does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.

Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. "You know why that dog licks his nuts?" I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift." I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.







The cat diaries: click here to read the entire thread »

LOVE THEM


CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS": click here to read the entire thread »

Somebody missed me

Hope all is well


Guess what.......: click here to read the entire thread »

Sooooooo good to see u all again.
Life has been busy.....a little too much.
Feeling better,knock on wood...ow that hurt lol.
Special someone? Now that would be telling lol.
Missed all of u guys.
Have a great weekend.


I be back.......part time lol: click here to read the entire thread »

Howdy friend ,how has life been treating u?


Nite nite: click here to read the entire thread »