Connecting Singles^® Forums100% Free Online Dating

Lost!!!!: click here to read the entire thread »

The Old Man and God: click here to read the entire thread »

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies,

'Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.......




condoms: click here to read the entire thread »

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying - a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, 'Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old'..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..



where some sayings originated: click here to read the entire thread »

Saying Hello: click here to read the entire thread »

Hi De Hi!: click here to read the entire thread »

A Little Flab: click here to read the entire thread »

A wee old man went into a chemist to buy Viagra.

"can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"

" I can cut them into quarters sir" says the chemist, "but a quarter won't give you a full erection"


"I'm 96 " says the old man, " I don't have any use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers!!!"



OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ''Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'



A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied 'Do you know what a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars..

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.


Couple a jokes: click here to read the entire thread »

Five Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked a bout having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 5th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
'now just rest and let the poison work.


Five affairs: click here to read the entire thread »

Catholic Gasoline: click here to read the entire thread »

School Test: click here to read the entire thread »

Don`t you just love stupidity? In case you thought we are thought of as having some sense of intelligence, here is a sample of instructions written on product labels.

On a Tiramisu dessert : Do not turn upside down.
Written on the bottom..duh !

On a packet of peanuts: Warning contains nuts !!

On a bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
Ya think?

On a hairdryer: Do not use whilst sleeping. Hmm!

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion. Defrost!

On sleeping pills: Warning may cause drowsiness!
Hope so !!

On some christmas lights: For indoor and outdoor use only.
As opposed to..........

On children`s cough medicine:Do not operate machinery after taking this medication!!!


Product labeling: click here to read the entire thread »

A couple traveling on a country road had a huge row about his constant infidelity. Angrily the woman reached across and cut the man`s penis off and threw it out the window.
Behind them was a car with a man and his 6 yo daughter. The penis struck the windshield, hung there for a moment and then slid off onto the road.
Shocked at such a sight the man just stared at where the penis struck the windshield, when his daughter asked "Daddy, what was that?"
Not wanting to expose his little girl to something sexual at such a young age he simply replied" That was a bug, honey"
The girl sat with a confused look for a minute and then said,
"Sure had a big dick did`nt it !"


bugs: click here to read the entire thread »

Hi Claire


tomatos: click here to read the entire thread »

An old Italian who lived all alone wanted to plant his tomato garden, but the soil was hard and he was too old. His only son who used to help him was in prison. He decided to write to him to tell him of his predicament.

Dear Vincent, I feel terrible because I won`t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am too old to be digging soil , but I know that if you were here you would dig the plot for me and my problem would be solved. Love Papa.

He gets a response : Dear Papa, whatever you do, do not dig the back yard, that`s where I buried the bodies, Love Vinnie.

At 4 am the next morning the FBI and local police raided the old man`s house and dug up the entire yard looking for the bodies. Unable to find any they appologised to the man and left.

The next day he gets another letter.

Dear Papa, go ahead and plant the seeds now that`s the best I could do under the circumstances.


tomatos: click here to read the entire thread »

Ta


Nigerian online dating scam: click here to read the entire thread »

I did`nt fall for him either.......


Nigerian online dating scam: click here to read the entire thread »

She`ll be the woman of every man`s dreams


If a women said lets do"it'noqueston asked lust fun: click here to read the entire thread »

Dip her fingers into a glass of cool water, before you know it she will be running to the loo....


Teenagers... (HOW do they make it to adulthood?) : click here to read the entire thread »

Dia duit : click here to read the entire thread »