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Make that 6


Hello New Hampshire!!: click here to read the entire thread »

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitation. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Arks move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."




In the year 2007: click here to read the entire thread »

Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
"OK", he says, "Come on in!"
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."



Nurses: click here to read the entire thread »

I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.

---

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.



A couple poems: click here to read the entire thread »

Hello everyone.


just say hello to the person who is here: click here to read the entire thread »

I found this one, don't know who wrote it.


If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.



Last time: click here to read the entire thread »

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just her and I
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine
I don’t know how but I tried my best
To put my hands upon her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
As she slowly spread her legs apart
And then I did it I felt no shame
All at once some milky white stuff came
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time ever

Milking a cow. 



My First Time: click here to read the entire thread »

The Cannibal Test: click here to read the entire thread »

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their
rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by
the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.
The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."
Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!"




The Devil Made Me Do It!: click here to read the entire thread »

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on
the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with
wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher.




I think you're the father: click here to read the entire thread »

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the
couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats
of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided
to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist
wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be
memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of
the groom's buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC
SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING
TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY.




With buddies like these: click here to read the entire thread »

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try really startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the sporting goods store and bought
himself a starter pistol and some blank rounds. All excited to try this
suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in
bed... naked and waiting !

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man,
moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol into the air.

The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it
go?"

The man answered, "Not really that well ... when I fired the pistol, my
wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my willy, and my neighbor came
out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"




Bad joke: click here to read the entire thread »

All men are not like this, i just thought it was funny.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free? Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage? WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather....Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds? .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ......... All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.



Men joke: click here to read the entire thread »

Nice


World's Shortest Fairy Tale: click here to read the entire thread »

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis,
always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never
farted on.

The end.



World's Shortest Fairy Tale: click here to read the entire thread »

Just thought i'd introduce myself, the names Glenn.


I'm new: click here to read the entire thread »

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"



Leopard vs. Poodle : click here to read the entire thread »

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."



Pickle factory: click here to read the entire thread »

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist!"

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

She said, "I didn't feel a thing!"



Dentist: click here to read the entire thread »

Why does an elephant have 4 feet?

He would look pritty silly with 6 inches.


Elephant: click here to read the entire thread »