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Cracked me up. Thanx for the laugh.


Chinese newborn . . .: click here to read the entire thread »

obviously the word should have been ........... one


Something to look forward to.: click here to read the entire thread »

Good oen........................


Something to look forward to.: click here to read the entire thread »

A man and his ever nagging-wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker said to the husband, "You can have your wife's remains shipped home for $5,000.00 or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it for a few minutes and told the undertaker he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife's remains home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, in this Holy place for only $150.00.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."




On Marriage: click here to read the entire thread »

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

She says, "Fine," then asks, "Well, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine", she says, "Then could you fix the steps to the front door? They are crumbling and dangerous."

"I'm not a carpenter," he replies, "and I don't want to fix the steps today! He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so!. I'm going to the Bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours..........................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

Upon arriving home, he finds the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside on the steps and cried. Just then a nice young man came by and asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"




Ladies Don't Interrupt Your Husband: click here to read the entire thread »

You tell em Peaches...........



Note on the Refrigerator: click here to read the entire thread »

I did not write this, but enjoyed reading it, so just had to share:

THE NOTE ON THE REFRIGERATOR:

My Darling Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the All Night Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset and I shall be home before midnight.

Michael


When the man came home later that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I read the letter you left for me on the refrigerator. Thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Amore with Steven, one of my student, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference ~ 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Julie


Note on the Refrigerator: click here to read the entire thread »

A boy, about 10 years old, got on a bus and sat next to a man reading a book. He noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The kid asked why he wore his collar that way.

"I am a father," replied the priest.

"My dad doesn't wear his collar like that," said the kid.

Looking up from his book the priest said, "I am the father of many."

A bit confused the kid said "My dad has 4 girls and 4 boys and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar backwards.

The priest, a little impatient by now said, "I am the father of hundreds," and went back to his reading.

The kid sat quietly pondering this. As he was leaving the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards....."


The Boy and the Priest: click here to read the entire thread »

Three priests, one in his sixties and the other two in their thirties, were travelling together to Pittsburgh. The elder priest handed the youngest priest a wad of cash and told him to go and buy three tickets for them and to get some coins from the vending machine, or ask the clerk for change.

When he got to the ticket window, the young priest was stunned to see a drop-dead gorgeous young woman behind the counter, showing way too much cleavage. When he asked her to help him, he stuttered and stammered, "Yesssss, three pickets to titsburg please." He blushed in embarrassment and ran off. When he told the other two priests what happened, the senior priest was not impressed, so he sent the other young cleric.

When the second young priest got to the window, he too was dumbfounded by the beautiful creature behind the counter. He stuttered, "Three tickets to Pittsburgh and can I please have some change in nipples and dimes." Embarrassed as all get out, he too ran away empty handed.

By now the senior priest is disgusted with his young charges, so he went to the ticket window, asked for three tickets to Pittsburgh and could he have the change in nickels and dimes.

He got what he came for, but before he turned to leave, he decided to scold the young girl. He said to her, "Young Lady, you should be ashamed, when you go to Heaven St. Finger is going to way his peter at you," as he ran for the train.






3 Priests going to Pittsburgh: click here to read the entire thread »

Three men die in a car accident in December. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told they must offer something that relates to Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds a piece of mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man sticks his hand in his pocket and pulls out a Christmas cracker, so he is allowed in.

The third man rummages around in his pockets and pulls out a pair of lace panties.

Confused with this presentation, the Angel asks him, "How do these relate to Christmas?"

The man grins and says, "They're Carol's."






Heaven at Christmas : click here to read the entire thread »

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. He decided to preach on the subject of drinking.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And, if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pout it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The choir director stood up and cautiously announced with nervous smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."


The Sermon: click here to read the entire thread »

Two men died and went to Heaven. As they sat at the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter, they struck up a conversation.

"How did you die?" the first man asked the second.

"I froze to death," replied the man.

"That's terrible," says the first man. "How did it feel to freeze to death? Was it very painful?"

"It was very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get terrible pains in your fingers and toes, but eventually you feel very warm and calm. Your whole body goes numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're going to sleep. How about you? How did you die?"

"I had a massive heart attack." said the first man. "You see, I pretty much knew my wife was cheating on me so I decided to show up at our home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found my wife sitting there, all by herself, knitting. So I ran down to the basement, but could not find anyone there either. Then I ran up to the second floor, but there was no sign of anyone there. So, I raced as fast as I could up to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head and says, "That is so ironic."

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If only you had stopped to look in the damn fridge, we'd both still be alive."





Waiting at the Pearly Gates: click here to read the entire thread »

A guy who, let's just say he was a few bricks short, applied for a job in a warehouse.

In the application space where it asked, "Whom should be contact in case of an emergency?"

He pencilled in.....................

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,



911


Job Application: click here to read the entire thread »

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

- Then he said to himself, "There's something the man needs."

- After casting about for a suitable pearl.

- He kept messing around and created a girl.

- Two beautiful legs, round, firm and ever so tender.

- Two lovely hips to increase his desire.

- And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

- Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud.

- Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you.

- And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

- Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulders.

- And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

- 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

- Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.




God's Creaton of Women: click here to read the entire thread »

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed. She could see it from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. So, I phoned the police and was told that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

I said OK, hung up, and waited a few minutes, then I phoned the police back.

"Hello, I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed stealing my stuff. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the offers said, "T thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RCMP to the rescue:
An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carbuertor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occassion. "Trying peeing on it," the Mountie said, "that should thaw it enought to start."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local detachment received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.


Law Enforcement funnies: click here to read the entire thread »

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.


One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"


The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"


Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is....






MOLASSES!




Mole Family: click here to read the entire thread »

THE FELINE DIET:

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa, knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is not seriously injured before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.



Feline Diet: click here to read the entire thread »

Oh, that's funny.


Sunday Afternoon Quickie: click here to read the entire thread »

dcj, the car lot is right there....can't you see it? It's right on the corner of First Avenue and Main Street, in Manchester.




Little Old Ladies in a Car Lot: click here to read the entire thread »

"Ah, Yes, Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex" Me neither." Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a noodle."George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs - Founder, Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parked his car or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how had it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams




PHILOSOPHY: click here to read the entire thread »