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Patience is everything, don't cha think?


Little Old Ladies in a Car Lot: click here to read the entire thread »

It was a very small town and the patrolman was making his routine evening rounds.

As he was checking the used car lot on the corner, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped, watched them for a minute or two and then asked, "Excuse me ladies, why are you sitting in this car? Are you trying to steal it?"

"Heavens no," one of them replied, "We bought it."

"Really?" the patrolman asked suspiciously. " Then why don't you drive it away?"

"We can't drive," one of the ladies replied.

"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.

The one sitting behind the wheel replied, "We were told that if we bought a used car at this place we'd get screwed - so we're just waiting."



Little Old Ladies in a Car Lot: click here to read the entire thread »

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee in the worst way, but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a bit because he does not know what to say to Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says, "Will you excuse me please, I have to go powder my nose," as he jumps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes," said little Johnny, as he jumped back into the sandbox.

"Well," says Jane, "You had better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"




Playing in the Sandbox: click here to read the entire thread »

Toasters

If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where
people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.

IBM
would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.


If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of
bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to
take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a
small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or
dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since
most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft
toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or
double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters ... The staff would sell you a
toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all
the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters ... They'd claim their toaster was
compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got
it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and
that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you
could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the
Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you
regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ... It would be a large,
perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there
would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department
would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the
box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely
larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can
be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would
have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up
like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters ... Every month, you would
receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic
hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.



Toasters: click here to read the entire thread »

INTERNET PARKING NOTICE

Offender : YOU!

Date: Monday, April 14, 2008
Offense #4422089 : iIn front of the computer TOO LONG!

Details of Offense :

During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!

You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers, paper plates, and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.

Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later.






Internet Parking Notice: click here to read the entire thread »

A husband was having an affair with his secretary.

One afternoon as he passed by her desk he whispered, "Let's go to your place and have some fun." She agreed and off they went. After an afternoon of wild sex they were exhausted and fell soundly asleep, waking at eight in the evening.

As the startled husband jumped into his clothes he told his secretary, " take my shoes, rub them in some mud and then some grass." The secretary didn't question him and went about doing as she was told.

The husband arrives home around nine that evening to his very outraged wife. "Where the hell have you been all day? I haven't been able to reach you anywhere."

The husband stands there and replies," Darling, I cannot lie to you. I was with my secretary most of the day making wild passionate love."

The wife looks down at his shoes and says, "You ......king liar, you been golfing again, haven't you."


The Husband: click here to read the entire thread »

There really is no effort in making this liqueur, but I do admit to having a taste every now and then. I bought two very cheap bottle of vodka and made two batches. It makes even the cheapest vodka taste smooth and delicious.(hick)


44 DAY LIQUEUR: click here to read the entire thread »

I should have added, do NOT wash out the vodka bottle....the vodka is sterile so water will contimatde the bottle. Just put the cap back on and put the bottle away until you are ready to bottle the liqueur.


44 DAY LIQUEUR: click here to read the entire thread »

I made this last year for Christmas. I bottled it up in small bottles
and added it to Christmas baskets. It is easy and fun to make and
inexpensive, especially if you use the cheapest vodka you can find. It was a hit and delicious.

44 DAY LIQUEUR

1 (26oz) bottle of vodka (be sure to save the bottle)
1 large orange
44 roasted coffee beans
44 sugar cubes (no other type of sugar)

Pierce orange with wooden skewer and insert all 44 coffee beans. This might take a little doing but it is fun.

Pour vodka into large glass container with tight fitting lid. It has to have a large enough neck to accommodate the large orange. Drop in all 44 sugar cubes and shake well. Add orange studded with coffee beans and shake again. I picked up a large pickle jar at a garage/tag sale for a quarter.

Keep in a dark place (not fridge) for 44 days, shaking the jar every day.
On the 45th day, remove the orange. You can peel and eat the orange if you wish but I warn you, you will get hammered from that orange, lol. Pour back into original vodka bottle, or individual small bottles.

Enjoy


44 DAY LIQUEUR: click here to read the entire thread »

Oooh, I love these little rascals.


CATS: click here to read the entire thread »

Hi from Canada, it's 9:14 here.


What time is it now???: click here to read the entire thread »

Some useless information you don't need to know!

HAVING A BAD DAY?

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00am, on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, prayer beads, and other holy object to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11am, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday floor sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


HAVING A BAD DAY STILL?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, with some kind of wire running from his wait towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his new IPod.


STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke lose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


WHAT? still HAVING A BAD DAY????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was a letter bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better????


Are You Having a Bad Day?: click here to read the entire thread »

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma dusted, he looked up and asked, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to Heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, but the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the door bell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.


Grandma's Boyfriend!: click here to read the entire thread »

Good One..........


Lemon Squeeze: click here to read the entire thread »

While I am not an overly religious perons, I do go to church on occassion ~ this little bitty touched me and gave me that AHA! moment.

Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.'

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!'

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!'

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good..

Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Each and everyone one of us is going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.



The Prayer:


Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings and may each and every one of them find that special someone they are seeking. Amen.





Wet Pants: click here to read the entire thread »

^^^^^Oh yeah, right, that's what it was.


Car Mechanics Lead Dangerous Lives: click here to read the entire thread »

Conrad, I can't for the life of me figure out why he would have sat up abruptly.


Car Mechanics Lead Dangerous Lives: click here to read the entire thread »

Well now you know Indy, so......... ahem, be careful with those parts.




Car Mechanics Lead Dangerous Lives: click here to read the entire thread »

Always wear suitable underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.



A woman went shopping while her husband repaired their car. She returned an hour later to see a small group of people around where she had left her husband under the vehicle busy with repairs. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was wearing shorts, his lack of underwear turned his private parts into a glaring public display.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back in place.

She then stood up straight, looked at the crowd around the car again, then looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing on the furthest side of the car, laughing his fool face off.

The mechanic under the car, had to have three stitches to his forehead.


Car Mechanics Lead Dangerous Lives: click here to read the entire thread »

Hello Bajan, how are you doing?


A Walk in the Mountains: click here to read the entire thread »