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Two rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter said "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I dunno know. let's throw something down and listen and see how long it take to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There that old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So they drag the old transmission over and count, one, two, three, and throw it in the hole.

The are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, at the same time looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say boys," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here somewhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped into this here hole!"

The old farmer says, "That's impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission."


The Big Hole: click here to read the entire thread »

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey boss, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later hung Chow calls again, "I do what you say boss. Now I feel great...I be work soon.....you got nice house."




Too Sick to go to Work!: click here to read the entire thread »

All three deer are okay Smoky.....they're in my daughter's back yard.
Diffenrent bunch of deer of course.

Are you watching the World Women's Curling?


Roping a Deer - Part 1: click here to read the entire thread »

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reach up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards that animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why, when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.





Roping a Deer - Part 1: click here to read the entire thread »

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figure if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would like die slowly and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it back in there and I stared moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reach up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then leg to. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

please wait for part 3 for a couple of secs






Roping a Deer - Part 1: click here to read the entire thread »

Actual letter from someone who farms, and writes.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, and then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when I am there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to clam it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end around my hand so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer -- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.



Roping a Deer - Part 1: click here to read the entire thread »

This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1977: KEG
2007: EKG

1977: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1977: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1977: Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage

1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint

1977: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1977: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1977: Disco
2007: Costco

1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1977: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1977: Whatever
2007: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering! machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss , de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!



1977 to 2007: click here to read the entire thread »

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
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It may take a while to get hard, I was just laid by a chick.






Some Easter Humor !: click here to read the entire thread »

Can someone tell me how to delete one of these posts? Please?


Alligator Bet!: click here to read the entire thread »

Oops, double posted this in error. sorry.


Alligator Bet!: click here to read the entire thread »

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator. He hoists the alligator up onto the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal ~ I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my manhood, unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his pride and joy and other parts, into the gator's mouth. The gator closed its mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and whacked the gator on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitalia unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheered, as the first of his free drinks was delivered.

Standing up, the man again made another offer. "I'll give anyone $100.00 who is willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crow. After a while a hand went up at the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up............

I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."



Alligator Bet!: click here to read the entire thread »

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator. He hoists the alligator up onto the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal ~ I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my manhood, unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his pride and joy and other parts, into the gator's mouth. The gator closed its mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and whacked the gator on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitalia unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheered, as the first of his free drinks was delivered.

Standing up, the man again made another offer. "I'll give anyone $100.00 who is willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crow. After a while a hand went up at the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up............

I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."



Alligator Bet!: click here to read the entire thread »

There were a total of 21 announcements but I could not get them all onto one thread.


Friendly Skies: click here to read the entire thread »

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

3. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

4. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

5. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines ."

6. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

7. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

8. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

9. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

10. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

11. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways! "

12. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lapYou should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."


Friendly Skies: click here to read the entire thread »

I seem to recall Maya Angelou reciting this poem (or part of it) on an Oprah show....could be wrong, and she may be the author, if so, then
the credit goes to her for this piece.


What Every Woman Should Know: click here to read the entire thread »

K, I did a search and couldn't find this one, so.......

A passenger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?



Smart Little Girl: click here to read the entire thread »

This one is for the ladies

BEST POEM EVER


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...


What Every Woman Should Know: click here to read the entire thread »

Subject: Fw: Two Priests



Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.


They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said,

"Good morning, Father; good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,





"Father, it's me, ... Sister Kathleen!"

Ok, this one had pics, but don't have a clue how to transfer them over to this site from my email.........somebody HELP!




Two Priests: click here to read the entire thread »

I just took a look at your profile Skep....yes indeed, you do
look much younger than..........




Italian Honeymoon: click here to read the entire thread »

What can I say, I try.


Italian Honeymoon: click here to read the entire thread »