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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta da vino,
some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip,
and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat
indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia,
we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open
da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in
disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car
anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada
and the conductore, he walka t hrough da hall shouting at
a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus


Italian Honeymoon: click here to read the entire thread »

Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta da vino,
some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip,
and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat
indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia,
we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open
da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in
disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car
anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada
and the conductore, he walka t hrough da hall shouting at
a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!"


I have copies this to the Canadian Forum


Italian Honeymoon: click here to read the entire thread »

Well Skep, I wouldn't exactly say it was filthy, but it is
definitely that other "f" word, you know, "funny."

Gottcha ! !


Dangers of a Stroke: click here to read the entire thread »

Dangers of a Stroke!!

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached them from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.




p.s. I have copied this to the Canadian Forums.




Dangers of a Stroke: click here to read the entire thread »

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached them from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and threw open his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.




Dangers of a Stroke: click here to read the entire thread »

Think I'd rather pee in my pants. Would hate to drop my pants in that bathroom.




BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR : click here to read the entire thread »

Ha, ha, ha, ha, good one Brew.



Boob Job: click here to read the entire thread »

JB now you're makaing me tear up.


A Beautiful Dog Story - this one is a real tear jerker: click here to read the entire thread »

I think cats are smarter than most of us imagine. I am a cat person myself but that dog story could relate to kitty cats as well.


A Beautiful Dog Story - this one is a real tear jerker: click here to read the entire thread »

Sorry everyone, I forgot to put in this little blurb when I posted this. I have posted this to the Canadian Forum as well.



Wasn't thinking with my original post.


P.S. to Beautiful Dog Story: click here to read the entire thread »

Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't and may decide you need one.

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy.

Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease, she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.

The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him.

The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.

Hi Everyone! I have posted this one in the Canadian Forums as well.

Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.

Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned!

While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.

Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every night.

It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.



A Beautiful Dog Story - this one is a real tear jerker: click here to read the entire thread »

Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't and may decide you need one.

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy.

Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease, she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.

The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him.

The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.

Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.

Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned!

While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.

Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every night.

It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.



A Beautiful Dog Story - this one is a real tear jerker: click here to read the entire thread »

Now look at that Sparky, you made me spiil coffee all over my keyboard cause I was laughing like crazy.


10 Finkers: click here to read the entire thread »

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan, making sure he avoids eye contact with the gaurd.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.............I can't sleep. Just between you and me, "What are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


Mexican Smuggler: click here to read the entire thread »

Thanx Sparky







Sex Florida Style: click here to read the entire thread »

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The old man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor say, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming in, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.

The next week however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.00. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.




Sex Florida Style: click here to read the entire thread »

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The the young women raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said..... "Well, will you look at that...I'm getting a fax."


Three Ladies in a Sauna: click here to read the entire thread »

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes , it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$150'

Man - 'Sold.'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a Wilson infielder's glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time , asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$350'

Man - 'Highway robbery - sold.'

A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove son, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and my glove.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

The boy says, '$500'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.



The Closet: click here to read the entire thread »

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fiftyyears ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well.""OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and groaning. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks tohimself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."



Sex Fifty Years Ago: click here to read the entire thread »

A very flat chested woman went to see Dr. Smith
about breast augmentation (make them bigger).

Dr. Smith examined her and said, "Everyday after
your shower, rub your breasts in a circular motion
all the while intoning, Scooby, Doobie, Boobies
make my boobies bigger. Do that for four 4 months
and you will get the desired effect."

The woman did as she was instructed and by golly,
it worked, she was now a "D" size. But one day
she was late for work and very harried and forget
her little ritual. She was on the bus when she
remembered. She didn't give two hoots, maintaining
her new boobs was of utmost importance to her so
she did her little ritual on the bus, reciting,
Scooby, Doobie, Boobies, make my boobies bigger.

A man sitting a couple of seats over asked, "Are you
per chance a patient of Dr. Smith?"

Surprised, she said, "Why yes I am, why do you ask?"

He leaned over to her and whispered, "Hickory, Dickery, Dock."


Boob Job: click here to read the entire thread »