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Hangover Scale - 3 and 4 Star Ratings
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*** 3-Star Hangover
Your mouth has lost the ability to generate saliva, your teeth have their own individual sweaters and your head is throbbing so much that you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already chewed your ass for being late and lectured you for reeking of booze. Your eyes are one big bleed-out and your hair makes you look like a reject from a homeless shelter. You wipe the toothpaste crust off the corners of your mouth on one of your many trips to the toilet to give back your breakfast. The face looking at you in the mirror resembles two fried eggs in a bucket of pig-slop because you only shaved one side of your face or put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your stomach is raw, eyes crossed, your keyboard moving like its in the middle of a flowing bed of molten lava some where near Hell. You don't much give a rat’s ass about anything except fumbling your way through to the day so you can get home and die in peace. Instead of going to lunch with colleagues you hang out in the toilet and prepare your own personal-puke-pizza with everything on it. Attempts to defecate result in a fiery discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with occasional 'floater' whose sole purpose is to splash the toilet water all over your ass. You leave work early and scare everyone you see; small children run away screaming. You head home to bed, ignoring any previous plans for the evening.


**** 4-Star Hangover
You wakeup in bed with all your clothes on, allowing you to skip the time-consuming morning routine of showering and dressing in clean clothes. You can’t remember how you got home. If you happen to make it into work, you look so pathetic your boss doesn't chew on you & your colleagues avoid you so they won’t witness any involuntary personal protein spill. You should have called in sick because, let's face it; all you can manage to do is breathe - and fight the overpowering urge to barf (again). If you didn’t make it into work, you are most likely lying on the floor because the bed is too high. You are so out of it you can't lift your head to puke so instead just slide the head backward a little so you don't drown. By the time you manage to get to your feet & stagger to hug the toilet you realize you are dying because you are puking blood. That is, until you realize the bright red stuff is the Sloe Gin / Red Bull / Bloody Mary / Grenadine or other pigswill you drank last night. You have lost the will to live but curiously wonder where the orange chunks came from, since you haven’t eaten carrots in 2 weeks. You retreat to bed trying not to repeat the Technicolor yodel. Although you disavow your allegiance to the Vomitola-Khomaini, faith is a powerful thing!




Hangover Scale - 1 and 2 Star Ratings: click here to read the entire thread »

This is a draft of Hangover Ratings before they are sent to ANSI (American National Standards Institute) for ratification. Your input is welcome!!

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* 1-Star Hangover
You are a little woozy, but no real feeling of illness. You wake up and don't find any traffic cones in bed with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls (or whatever rubbish you drank), but something is definitely amiss. You drink 10 bottles of water and still feel parched. The second heartbeat in your head and your frequent laughter recalling the goofy events of the night before annoy the colleague in the next cubicle. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once. Even vegetarians crave a hamburger. You look okay and manage to get some work done, but your e-mails are all in broken English. By quitting time your pee is clear, you are feeling better & considering whether or not to go out and do it again!


** 2-Star Hangover
Headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a 'space cadet' and not productive. Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume / aftershave reminds you of the shots you did with your alcoholic friends before the bouncer kicked your drunken asses out at 1:45 a.m. In fact, you are probably still drunk. Alcohol vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut. You may or may not take a trip to the toilet to give your dinner back. An experienced drunk will go ahead and stick his or her finger down their throat to just get it over with. You maintain a nice demeanor but avoid unnecessary personal interaction because it hurts to think and speak. You cost your employer money as you pretend to work but really cannot handle much because you have the attention span and mental capacity of a gnat.



Hangover Scale - 1 and 2 Star Ratings: click here to read the entire thread »

If someone asks you "Mind if I SMOKE?"

How would you respond?

My typical response is something like; "Mind if I PUKE?" . . . . . .

Oh yeah I gave it up for awhile, but I gained a lot of weight . . . . . . . .



[color=darkred]Mind if I SMOKE??????????[/color]: click here to read the entire thread »

If we spend on cheap crap it will go to Hong Kong.

If we spend it on dope it will go to Mexico or South America.

Except Peyote - then it will go to Native Americans (injuns) I think.

Hmmmmm . . .

Maybe we should spend it on Guns and Ammo - that's American!


TAX REBATE: click here to read the entire thread »

CODE WORDS FOR PERSONAL ADS
(List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Personal Ads)

CODEWORD(S) ....... MEANING...
40ish ...................... 48
Adventurous ........... Has had more partners than you ever will
Adventurer .............. Slept with all your friends
Affectionate ........... Possessive
Artist ...................... Unreliable
Athletic .................... Flat-chested
Average looking ....... Ugly
Commitment Minded ........... Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important ........... Just try to get a word in edge wise
Contagious Smile ........... Bring penicillin
Disciplined ..................... Wants a Spanking
Emotionally Secure ........... Medicated
Employed ...................... Has part time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys Art and Opera ........... Snob
Enjoys Nature ........... Bring granola
Exotic Beauty ........... Would frighten a Martian
Feminist .................... Ugly ball buster
Free Spirit ................. Substance user
Friendship first ...........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun ............................ Annoying
Gentle ...................... Comatose
Good Listener ........... Borderline Autistic
Intuitive .................... Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition ........... Needs a new Sugar Daddy
Light drinker ........... Lush
Looks younger ........ If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel ............. If you are paying
New-Age .................. All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional ......... Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded ........... Desperate
Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing
Passionate ............... Sloppy drunk
Petite ...................... Wouldn’t stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet ......................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.............. Certified Bitch
Redhead .................. Bad dye-job
Romantic .................. Looks better by candle light
Self-employed .......... Jobless
Social ...................... Passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Special ..................... Rode the short school bus (Special-Needs Child)
Spiritual ................... Involved with a cult
Tall, thin ................... Anorexic
Tan........................... Wrinkled
Voluptuous ............... Very Fat
Looking for Soul Mate ........... One step away from stalking
Widow ...................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart ........... Old bat



Funny Pickup Lines : click here to read the entire thread »

MENTAL HEALTH HELPLINE

In an effort mitigate the stressful conditions under which our employees work, company personnel are encouraged to utilize this resource by following the recorded instructions below, and remember, you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Helpline;
* If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* To get in touch with your “Inner Child”, press 006.
* To get in touch with your “Inner Psychopath”, press 666.
* If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are, stay on the line until we trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
* For schizophrenia, listen carefully for a small voice to tell you which number to press.
* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia press 8 & state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, mother's maiden name, blood type and GPS coordinates.
* If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly press 0 - 0 - 0.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you are suicidal, please specify the caliber of bullet you prefer.
* If you have low self esteem, hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to the likes of a worthless, pathetic, needy little parasite like you!

Management is working hard to bring you the best benefits like this one. If you don’t like it, eat shit.


MENTAL HEALTH HELPLINE: click here to read the entire thread »

The funniest stuff is always based on truth!



Washing the Cat: click here to read the entire thread »

Conrad, you are right - apologies for not including the Swiss. I worked projects in Europe with many nationalities, and in discussions in the pub after work, the only people who consistently defended the right to keep and bear arms (RTKABA) were the Americans and the Swiss.


Occasionally a Canadian or an Australian would be for the RTKABA but those poor chaps are SO outnumbered by their own countrymen who naively think the government will never turn on them and violent criminals will never target them.



GUN CONTROL: click here to read the entire thread »

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
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That was good. Ever try to give a cat a pill?
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How to give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to the back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing pill down cat’s gullet.
7. Retrieve cat from top of curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open and blow into opposite end of drinking straw.
9. Extract drinking straw from your esophagus, drink glass of water to take taste of pill out of your mouth, check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open & slingshot pill down cat’s throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back onto its hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and ice pack to knee, check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away your bloody T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed car into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to hospital emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms & removes pill fragments from your right eye. Make note to call furniture shop and order new dining table.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon


Washing the Cat: click here to read the entire thread »

That's right Jam.
With a 12-guage and the right size 'shot you can also choose which window you will assist the burgler to exit (with his ass full of buckshot).

For home defense I'd suggest #4 buckshot or smaller because that won't penetrate sheetrock. However, more current information may be available.




GUN CONTROL: click here to read the entire thread »

One of the classic movies - ALIENS: Sigourney Weaver played a woman (Warrant Officer, Ripley) that went on a rampage against the nasty aliens after very brief training by a Marine.

A chick with a sub-machine gun, grenade launcher and a flame-thrower, and not afraid to use them; now that is one sexy babe!


Woo Hoo!


GUN CONTROL: click here to read the entire thread »

I hope the constitution is not changed in my lifetime. The current crop of politicos wouldn't hold a candle to the founding fathers.

To address your question, if the constitution were changed it simply would not be America and millions of people simply would not comply with being disarmed. The right to keep and bear arms is central to the entire constitution to codify freedom FROM government, and if necessary, arms can be used by the people to overthrow a tyrannical government.

In the 1700's the British army used to confiscate weapons from American Colonists on a regular basis. Seems the Brits still haven't gotten that out of their systems.

Cheers,

BF




GUN CONTROL: click here to read the entire thread »

Edication and Economics?

I see U R 1 of the really, really edumacated people in the Great White North, eh?

Who better to set the example.





PS: The subject of fireams ownership is an American thing. You wouldn't understand.



GUN CONTROL: click here to read the entire thread »