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Seven wise men smarter than shit, decided to make a pair of tits.

First was a miner who came from the ground, Grabbed a shovel and made two mounds.

Next was a sculptor after being soothed, With skillful hands he made them smooth.

Third was a mattress maker who was a bit sleazy, But worked on the boobs to make them squeezy.

Fourth came a tailor who could tuck and nip, At the top of it he made a tip.

Fifth was a farmer that gave them milk, Coming from the tip smooth as silk.

Sixth was a father that burst out and said, "If she feeds the kids, I stay in bed!"

Finally was a pimp who said with some spit, after licking and sucking, "This is definitely a tit!"





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A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone wants to tell me what that asshole did here?'

From across the room came a voice.

He was a pizza delivery guy from Pizza Hut.





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A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bullshit!" replied the husband. "There are some things you can't make. Besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching porno videos for years!"





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A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."




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A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."





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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"






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Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me y ou love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband.
P.S. SO. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.






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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.




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A business man got on an elevator.



When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-!-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,"S-H-!-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-!-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, 'T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-!-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.





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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:

"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said.

"Here, let me hold your monkey."




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A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.


He went to the hospital,and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,Electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, But it'll keep the sheets off his legs.




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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled ..

"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the same police officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the
new sign which now read:


"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.





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She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Again, her husband died.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said,

'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'








The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'






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Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."




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Great.The drink part and the end part are just cool.




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Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home and keep them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio,
She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She set there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few mimutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
'Herman, remember that bl*w job I promised you?'

'Here it comes.'





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Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home and keep them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio,
She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She set there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few mimutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
'Herman, remember that bl*w job I promised you?'

'Here it comes.'






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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter- ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one of them had to let go, beacause otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to decided who should let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands......





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