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There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"





Fence: click here to read the entire thread »

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"





Light.: click here to read the entire thread »

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"




Fence: click here to read the entire thread »

> > Jim went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
> > doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
> > would be with him in just a few minutes. When Jim sat down and began
> > observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to
> > the
> > doctor's desk.
> > 1. A tube of K-Y jelly
> > 2. A rubber glove
> > 3. A beer
> >
> > When the doctor finally came in, Jim said, Look Doc, I'm a little
> > confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for,
> > and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER
> > is for?
> >
> > At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over
> > to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
> > nurse...........
> >
> > Dammit, Helen..... I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!!





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> > Jim went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
> > doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
> > would be with him in just a few minutes. When Jim sat down and began
> > observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to
> > the
> > doctor's desk.
> > 1. A tube of K-Y jelly
> > 2. A rubber glove
> > 3. A beer
> >
> > When the doctor finally came in, Jim said, Look Doc, I'm a little
> > confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for,
> > and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER
> > is for?
> >
> > At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over
> > to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
> > nurse...........
> >
> > Dammit, Helen..... I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!!




Light.: click here to read the entire thread »

> > Jim went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
> > doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
> > would be with him in just a few minutes. When Jim sat down and began
> > observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to
> > the
> > doctor's desk.
> > 1. A tube of K-Y jelly
> > 2. A rubber glove
> > 3. A beer
> >
> > When the doctor finally came in, Jim said, Look Doc, I'm a little
> > confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for,
> > and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER
> > is for?
> >
> > At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over
> > to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
> > nurse...........
> >
> > Dammit, Helen..... I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!!





Fence: click here to read the entire thread »

> > Jim went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
> > doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
> > would be with him in just a few minutes. When Jim sat down and began
> > observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to
> > the
> > doctor's desk.
> > 1. A tube of K-Y jelly
> > 2. A rubber glove
> > 3. A beer
> >
> > When the doctor finally came in, Jim said, Look Doc, I'm a little
> > confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for,
> > and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER
> > is for?
> >
> > At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over
> > to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
> > nurse...........
> >
> > Dammit, Helen..... I said A BUTT LIGHT !!!!





Fence: click here to read the entire thread »

During the Australian gold rush period there were quite a few chinese labourers making a quid on the fields .
Well to cut a long story short the English gentry at the time did not like this , so they kicked the Chinese labours out of the fields. the chinese took up all different professions "IE" laundry restaurants and so on .


One chinese fellow whose name was Ling took to making wooden fences. he was very proud of his fences as every one had to be done by hand , cut lapped nailed and so on.


He just finished this fence for a well to do business man (English of course), when the gentle man said he would not pay Ling as it was the shoddist peice of work he has seen.


Poor Ling was thunder struck as he turned red then purple and also blue . he lost it threw his hands up in the air ran around the yard yelling out who pay ling who pay ling.


ever since the wooden fence in aust has been called a "paling" fence.






Fence: click here to read the entire thread »

During the Australian gold rush period there were quite a few chinese labourers making a quid on the fields .
Well to cut a long story short the English gentry at the time did not like this , so they kicked the Chinese labours out of the fields. the chinese took up all different professions "IE" laundry restaurants and so on .


One chinese fellow whose name was Ling took to making wooden fences. he was very proud of his fences as every one had to be done by hand , cut lapped nailed and so on.


He just finished this fence for a well to do business man (English of course), when the gentle man said he would not pay Ling as it was the shoddist peice of work he has seen.


Poor Ling was thunder struck as he turned red then purple and also blue . he lost it threw his hands up in the air ran around the yard yelling out who pay ling who pay ling.


ever since the wooden fence in aust has been called a "paling" fence.





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A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.

The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.
Not a chance," said the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slammed the door and returned to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife.

"Don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man got dressed and went out into the pounding rain.

He called out into the darkness, "Hello, are you! still there?"

"Yes" came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband

"Over here, on the swing!" replied the drunk.





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A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman seated over there ,” indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.” After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: “For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I have three inches removed. Send the bottle back.”





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Attorneys should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie,you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven' the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.


Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.


The judge called both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,I'll throw you in jail for contempt."








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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks"
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again."






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This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender.

Hey, do you got any grapes? The bartender says no and the duck leaves.

The duck comes in the very next day and stands up on the bar and asks the bartender. Hey, you got any grapes? The bartender is pissed at this point and tells the duck. Look I didn't have any grapes yesterday and I don't have any grapes today.

If you ask me for grapes one more damn time, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar.

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks in and stands up on the bar and asked the bartender. Hey, do you have any nails? The bartender says no...

The duck then says, good. Do you have any grapes?






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"SNIFFER" The Dog...........

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"







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Drive through ATM machines.

? MALE PROCEEDURE:

? 1.? Drive up to the cash machine.
? 2.? Put down your car window.
? 3.? Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
? 4.? Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
? 5.? Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
? 6.? Put window up.
? 7.? Drive off.



? FEMALE PROCEDURE:

? 1.? Drive up to cash machine.
? 2.? Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
? with the machine.
? 3.? Set parking brake, put the window down.
? 4.? Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
? locate card.
? 5.? Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
? 6.? Attempt to insert card into machine.
? 7.? Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
? excessive distance from the car.
? 8.? Insert card.
? 9.? Reinsert card the right way.
? 10.? Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
? the inside back page.
? 11.? Enter PIN.
? 12.? Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
? 13.? Enter amount of cash required.
? 14.? Check makeup in rear view mirror.
? 15.? Retrieve cash and receipt.
? 16.? Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
? 17.? Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
? back of checkbook.
? 18.? Recheck makeup.
? 19.? Drive forward 2 feet.
? 20.? Reverse back to cash machine.
? 21.? Retrieve card.
? 22.? Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
? the slot provided.
? 23.? Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
? 24.? Restart stalled engine and pull off.
? 25.? Redial person on cell phone.
? 26.? Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
? 27.? Release Parking Brake.



Sorry LADIES.






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Grandma Needs a Pet


An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.

As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.


He whispered, " I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry ! "


The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.


She bought the frog and put him in the car.


Driving down the road the frog whispered to her " Kiss me and You won't be sorry. "


So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.


THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK . . . . . . . . . . AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO ?









Awe . . . . COME ON . . . . GUESS!














OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON













SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.




She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!





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MODERN TIMES.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that you don't have their e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to tell this to.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.






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The Turkey popped out of the oven and rocketed in to the air; It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.


It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.


It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor,

There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there had never been turkey before..

It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl;


There wasn't a way I could stop it; that turkey was out of control.


I scraped and I scraped with displeasure and thought with chagrin as I mopped,

That I would never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.





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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to get the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh!t, A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.





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