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Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.


Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"


The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."


Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read: MATT IS DEAD."


The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."


Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read: MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."





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Joe, the governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The governor depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.


"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the governor muttered.


At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the governor's side.


"Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"


"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."





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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."


The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.


The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"





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Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Rebecca, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"


Rebecca answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"





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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.


"Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."


"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."


"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"





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Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."


Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."


An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."


Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"




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It was obvious to Mom and Dad that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie without their 9-year-old son hanging around was to send him out on the balcony. So they ordered him to report on all the neighborhood activities.


The boy began his commentary, "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by. It looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Max is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."


Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.


"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."





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A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”


The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”


The blonde said, “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!”


The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.


“You can't land on the sun, you idiot!" the Russian said. “You'll burn up!”


“We're not stupid, you know,” the blonde replied. “We're going at night!”





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Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.


"So, how did you do son?" he asked.


"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"


"Really? How'd you do that?"


"I dropped the ball."





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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.


The husband was stunned. “Oh my God,” he said to himself, “it really works!”





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Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.


The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"


Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."


"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.


"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."


"What if that had been struck by lightning?"


"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."


"What if the phone was engaged?"


"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."


"What if that was vandalized?"


"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."


This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"


"Because he's never seen a train crash."





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A couple gets married, and 30 years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry.


“What’s the matter?” she asks.


“Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it,” he says. “Now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me.”




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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.


Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."


"I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"


To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."





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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”


“My dear,” the doctor said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?”


“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up.




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If you love somebody

THE OLD VERSION

If you love somebody, set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never was....

THE NEW VERSIONS

MY FAVORITE VERSION If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

PESSIMIST If you love somebody, set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

OPTIMIST If you love somebody, set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

SUSPICIOUS If you love somebody, set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

VENGEFUL If you love somebody, set her free ... If she doesn't come back, hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ PROGRAMMER if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free() if(m_she == NULL) m_she= new CShe;

ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST If you love somebody, set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

BILL GATES If you love somebody, set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

BIOLOGIST If you love somebody, set her free ... She'll evolve.

SCHWARZENEGGER FAN If you love somebody, set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!

OVERPOSSESSIVE If you love somebody ... don't set her free.

PSYCHOLOGIST If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

SOMNAMBULIST If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, it's a nightmare. If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

RHETT BUTLER If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE ... If she asks you why, say you don't give a damn.

MARKETING EXPERT If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty, If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.





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The royal wedding - edward & sophie

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten get any shoes.

Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight!"

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one."

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"





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* A clitoris is a type of flower.

* A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

* "Spread eagle" is an extinct bird.

* Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

* A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

* A G-string is part of a fiddle.

* Semen is a term for sailors.

* Anus is a Latin term for sailors.

* Testicles are found on an octopus.

* Asphalt describes rectal problems.

* KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

* Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.

* Coitus is a musical instrument.

* Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

* An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

* A condom is a large apartment complex.

* An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.

* A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

* A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

* An erection is when Japanese people vote.

* A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

* Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.

* Pornography is the business of making records.

* Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

* Douche is the French word for "two."






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Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.

When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea," he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life jacket.




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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."




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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.


"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.


"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."





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