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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."


The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"


"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"


"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.


They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"


"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"


"I see," says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"







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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.


The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”


The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.


The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.”






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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign reading, “BEST DEALS.”


He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, “LOWEST PRICES.”


The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: “MAIN ENTRANCE.”





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A middle management executive has to take on some sport by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.


After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.


"It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding toward me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"


"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.


"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"





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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"


"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"


Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.


About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"


"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber replied. "The sharks got 'em."





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At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."


Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him 20 dollars and says, "Just don't tell your father."


Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him 40 dollars and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."


Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"





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One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."


Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"


The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, I think it's a tiger."


The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:


"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."





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A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the female blonde driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"


The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"


Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."





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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.


As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"






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A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no zippers, buttons or velcro for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.


"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.


"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."




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The bartender was dumbfounded when a gorilla came in and asked for a martini, but he couldn't think of any reason not to serve the beast. And he was even more amazed to find the gorilla coolly holding out a $10 bill when he returned with the drink. As he walked to the cash register, he decided to try something. He rang up the sale, headed back to the animal and handed it a dollar in change. The gorilla didn't say anything and just sat there sipping his martini.


Finally, the bartender couldn't take it anymore. "You know," he said, "we don't get many gorillas in here."


And the gorilla replied, "At nine bucks a drink, I'm not surprised."





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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll you have?" he asked.


"Oh ,I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.


"Yuck! It's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"


"Well there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"




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A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.


"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her. "Didn't I tell you that he doesn't know a thing about sex?"





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An extremely shy fellow brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.


She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."


"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to buy you some jewelry."





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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.


"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."


"What did you do?" asks the doctor.


"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’"





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A macho man married a good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"


His new bride thought for a moment and said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."





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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot to the left costs $500."


"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.


The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."


The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."


Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, "That one costs $2,000."


Needless to say this begs the question, "What can IT do?"


The owner replies "To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"





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One day a man tried to get a job with a great company. He passed every test with flying colors, but during the final interview, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.


"I can fix that with some aspirin. I'll just take some and be better in a second." So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.


The CEO says, "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh, no! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while you’re winking?"





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A man goes to see the rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."


"What's wrong?" the rabbi asks.


"My wife is poisoning me." the man replies.


The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"


The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"


"Tell you what," he says, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"


The man anxiously says, "Yes."


"Take the poison."





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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.


When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, “What the heck is going on up here? We're having a grand time downstairs!”


One of the blondes looks up and says, “Yeah, but you've got a driver!”






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