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An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as 20 pounds.


The blonde followed the doctor's advice and after 30 days she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole 20 pounds.


She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home now that I’m 300 miles away?"





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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."





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A guy walks into a bar and sets a bag down on the stool next to him. He orders two drinks and when they come, he drinks one and quickly opens the bag, pours the other into the bag then closes it again as quick as he can. He orders two more drinks and repeats the procedure again. After the third round of drinks the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy what he is doing.


"You don't want to know," he says. But the bartender insists on knowing. The guy reaches down and opens the bag. As the bartender leans over to look in the bag a little man about a foot tall jumps out and runs down the bar kicking over drinks and cursing at all the patrons. Running back up the bar he stops and unzips his pants and pees on the bar then jumps off the bar and back into the bag. The bartender demands to know just what the hell that was all about.


"Well," the guy says, "I was in the desert last year and I came across a rattle snake. I was about to kill it when it reared up and started talking to me. It said if I did not kill it, it would grant me a wish. Well I thought about it and asked for a 12-inch prick and that's him!"




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An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinnesses in 10 minutes."


Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.


One guy even leaves the bar.


A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"


"Sure," he says.


So, the bartender lines 10 Guinnesses up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.


As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"


The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."







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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."


The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.


"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.


The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."


The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"





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A couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.


Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.


While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.


"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."





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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.


They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."


She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."





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A guy dials his home phone number and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"


"This is the maid," answers the woman.


"We don't have a maid," says the man.


The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."


The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"


The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."


The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"


The maid says, "What will I have to do?"


The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."


The maid puts the phone down and the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"


The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."


Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."


The man pauses for a moment and says, "Ummmm… Is this 567-5309?"






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A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.


"I can't wear your trousers," she said.


"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."


With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."


He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"


She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes."





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A young man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.


The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.


The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"





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This guy was in a bar talking to his hand. The bartender came to him and said, "I don’t want weirdos in my bar. I might ask you to leave."


The guy said, "I'm using my cell phone. I got tired of carrying it so I had it embedded into my hand." The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a number and then talked into his hand.


The bartender said, "How cool!"


As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him. The bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender asked, "Are you OK? Who did this to you?"


The guy replied, "I'm OK. I’m just waiting for a fax!"





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Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.


The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."


"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.


"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.


"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.


"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant answered question #5, 'I don't know.' You answered, 'Neither do I.'"





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A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.


"Hey Chris," the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles for a bit. It's late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I'll help you with that cart after you eat."


"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.


"Aw, come on, take a break for a bit," the man at the snack bar insisted.


"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "But Pa won't like it."


After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden French fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."


"Nonsense," the cook said. "Where is your pa anyway?"


"Under the cart."





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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.


When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"


"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.


"Which word?" the woman asked.


"Love."


The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.


About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.


"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"


"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"


"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.


"Which word?" her husband asked.


"Czechoslovakia."






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As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they had sex the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. His curiosity got the best of him and he asked his wife for an explanation.


"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."





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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away: Florida or the moon?”


The other blonde turns and says, “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?!”







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A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.


Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.


“Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” she asks angrily.


“Are you kidding me?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”





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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.


He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.


"It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock," the drunk replied.


“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.


“Yup,” replied the drunk.


“How does it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.


“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.


The three stood looking at one another for a moment.


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”





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There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.


The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass, hills and trees, and all these strange animals.


She saw a big, fat, weird-looking, brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra. What are you?”


“I’m a cow,” said the animal.


“What do you do?”


“I make milk for the farmer.”


The zebra then saw this little funny-looking white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”


“I’m a chicken,” said the animal.


“What do you do?”


“I make eggs for the farmer.”


Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”


“I am a horse,” said the animal.


“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”


“Take off those fancy pajamas, and I’ll show you.”





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A young man sits down at the bar.


"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.


"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.


"Six shots?!" the bartender asks, "Are you celebrating something?"


"Yeah, my first blowjob," the young man replies.


"Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house," the bartender says.


"No offense, sir," the young man says, "but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."





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