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Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.


After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."


The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."





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While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers. The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."





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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."


"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"


The businessman thought about it a moment and said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’"





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A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you’re no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.


His wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"


"I was in bed," she answers.


"In bed this early, doing what?" shouts the doctor.


"Getting a second opinion!"





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A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The doctor thinks about it for a moment and tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her privately. So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and the doctor asks her what's wrong.


The wife tells him, "For the last seven months, I have taken a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see doctor, when I get home I'm completely exhausted and I don't want it any more."


The doctor thinks for a moment and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about this or what?"





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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.


"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it," he says.


She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."


The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $0.75 per word."


She thinks about it for a moment and says, "I'd like to send one word, please."


"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.


"Comfortable," replies the brunette.


The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend going to understand this telegram?"


The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. When she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."





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Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking when one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man says that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active in the sack.


The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age, so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.


"Well," the man answers, "I eat rye bread everyday. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."


The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.


The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"


The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What’s the difference?"


The clerk responds, "Well, when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."


To which the man responds, "How come everyone knows about this but me?"





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A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."


A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."


After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.


His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do!"


The farmer said, "That's once."




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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”


The husband replies, “That’s not a big deal in this day and age.”


The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”


“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”


“Tiger Woods.”


“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”


“Yeah.”


“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”


The husband and wife then make passionate love.


When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.


“What are you doing?” asks the wife.


The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”


“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”


“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”


“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”


The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make

love a second time.


When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.


The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”


“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”


“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”


“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”


The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.


When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.


The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”


“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”





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A young man finally got a date with the blond female who lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.


Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade." But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.


The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.


He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.


Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"





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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.


The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."


"Do you think it will work?" she asks.


"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.


After the operation, he says to the priest, "Father, you're not going to believe this."


"What?" asks the priest, "What happened?"


"You gave birth to a child!"


"But that's impossible!" says the priest.


"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."


About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."


The son says, "What do you mean you're not my father?"


The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."






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This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died would you remarry?"


He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, so I guess I would."


She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"


He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, so I guess she would."


So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"


He says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid $2,000 for it, it's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."


She asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"


And he says, "Oh no, she's left-handed."






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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well-cared for.


The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.


Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.


Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.


“So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.


“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”





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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.


The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.


She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”


The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”





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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.


His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”


His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”


Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”


Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.


“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”




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Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.


The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.


The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"


The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."


So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"


The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."


So he goes back to play.


Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"





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A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.


"But we're not a real bank," replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money."


"Don't argue! Just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" he shouts. She obliges and opens the safe door.


"Take one of the bottles and drink it!" he says.


"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.


"Don't argue, just drink it," he says. She takes off the cap and gulps it down.


"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one.


Suddenly, the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.


"See, it’s not that difficult is it?" he says.






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A college professor just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.


A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.


When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand."





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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”


His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.


“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”


When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”


“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”


Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.


Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”





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Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.


"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."


Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"


"Yes, I do," Bob says.


"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" Jack asks.


"Yes, I have to admit that I did," Bob says.


"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Jack asks.


Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."


"Well, thanks a lot, pal…” Jack says. “She just died and left me her farm."





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