Connecting Singles^® Forums100% Free Online Dating

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.


“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”


“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”




Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.


“So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”


The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying…. “Ummmm… 22.”


The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”


The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces …..”Five foot two!”


This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure or look up. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”


The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 15 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: ”Mandy!”


The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”


“Ohhhh, that!” replies the blonde, “I was just running through that song,…… Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

Two big, buff, blond guys were on the beach, trying their best to impress the local babes.


The first blond dude said, "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal.”


The second blond guy said, "Try putting a potato in your swimming trunks. The babes will love that."


Three or four hours later, the first blond dude remarked, "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about, and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."


The second blond dude looked over his bud for a moment and said, "Uh, Dude! Try putting that potato down the FRONT of your trunks."




Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A couple of friends were playing a round in a rather remote course in the tropics of North Australia. After several holes one needed to relieve himself, so he walked into the rough, dropped out his thing and began to pee. Alas, as he was in mid-stride, an enormous snake slid up and bit his thing. The man screamed for help, and when his friend came told him what happened and asked him to get help.


His friend ran back to the clubhouse, saw the doctor, and asked what could be done. The doctor told him to treat snake bites you make a small cut where the bite is, then suck until all the poison comes out. After thanking the doctor he ran back to his friend.


When he was back the friend asked, "What did the doctor say?"


His friend replied, "Sorry pal, you're going to die."





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. “Where have you been?” she screams. “It’s 4 in the morning!”


He says, “Aw, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink… but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men’s Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals… Man, it was wonderful.”


“I don’t believe that story for one goddamn minute,” his wife said. “What was this place called?”


“Hell,” he replies, “I can’t remember… I got too drunk, and I forgot.”


“You’re gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I’m going to divorce you!” she said.


The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under “Bars,” but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he’ll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He’s called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.


“Here,” the man says, handing the phone to his wife. “Ask this bartender if I’m lying!”


The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night: the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. Finally, she says, “Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals. Do you?”


The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, “Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone!”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.


The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.


The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”


The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”


”Oh, how childish,” the Poodle says. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”


She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, “How well can you do?”


”Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the golden retriever.


”My, my,” the poodle says. “I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence.”


She then turns to the last of the three dogs, a chihuahua, and says, “How about you, little guy?”


The chihuahua gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab and says...


“Cheese mine. Liver alone.”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.


He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.


"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"


"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.


"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"




Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.


He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"


The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.

One night I KUM went to see is friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home. NO KUM'S wife, NO KUM TU, invited I KUM to stay the night with her. That night NO KUM TU came which

gave I KUM great pleasure as I KUM came too.

After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father, but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born, NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.

But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came. To this day NO KUM doesn't know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came.





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

The abc's of ex-lovers

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.

B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.


Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?


At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.


"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."


"Well, tell me!" the man said.


The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."


So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."


"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"


"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."


"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.


The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.


"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."


"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."


"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"


"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"


A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."


"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.


When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.


As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”


“What dear?” She asked gently.


“I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”





Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”


The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.


The man takes a sip, scowls and says, “Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”


The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.


The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, “Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”


Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, “Ah, now that’s the real thing.”


A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, “Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”


The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, “Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”


The drunk’s eyes light up and he says, “Yeah, now how old am I?”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”


The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”


The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”


She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”


“How so?”


“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downs each one.


“Whew,” the bartender remarks, “You seem to be in a hurry.”


“You would be too if you had what I have.”


“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asks.


“Fifty cents.”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.


“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.


“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.


"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"


"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."







Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »

Bobby walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”


The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hmm?”


Bobby says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”


The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.


Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says, “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”


The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”


Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, “You mean they’ll PAY me too?”






Scooterman jokes page.: click here to read the entire thread »