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Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a number of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.


Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, “Man, I gotta go home. I’m already two hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me."


The second guy turns to the first and says, “Naw she won’t. Listen, you got 20 bucks?”


The first says, “Yeah, why?”


The second drunk says, “Take the 20 and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you 20 bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.”


The first guy says, “Great idea! Let’s have another round,” and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.


Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, “Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?”


He says, “Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me 20 bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket.”


She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, “Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!”


He says, “Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!”






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A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.


“Out drinking again!?” she says. “How much money did you spend this time?”


“$100,” he answers.


“$100!” she shouts. “That’s ridiculous, spending that much in one night!”


“Easy for you to say,” he replies. “You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, and you have your own pussy.”






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Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"




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A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"





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Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar. It was after 11 o’clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home. With the weather as bad as it was, he soon became lost, and found himself wandering through the town cemetery.


He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much to handle, and he couldn’t manage to climb out.


“Help!” he cried out. “Help! I’m so cold!”


A little while later, another overindulged inebriant left the bar. As luck would have it, the second man was nearby when he heard Joe cry. “Help, I’m so cold!” Joe continued to call.


The other man staggered in the direction of the voice. It got louder and louder as he neared the cemetery. “Help! I’m cold! Help! I’m cold!”


The second man followed the voice and approached the grave. As he peered over the side, Joe looked up and yelled one more time, “Help! I’m cold!”


“Of course you’re cold, replied the second drunk, peering down.


“You’ve kicked off all your dirt.”





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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.





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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not knowing quite what to do, he looks in the yellow pages under “Gorilla Removal Service” and sure enough finds a listing for Harry’s Ape Removal.


He calls up Harry and about an hour later Harry shows up with all the tools of his trade, including a pick-up truck, a pair of handcuffs, a ferociously-trained dog and a shotgun.


Harry then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to the man because he will need help:


"Now, I’m going to climb up in this tree and shake the tree until the gorilla falls out of the tree. The very instant the gorilla hits the ground, this dog is trained to rush up and bite his balls off. This will temporarily immobilize the gorilla allowing you to safely walk up and place the handcuffs on him. I’ll then get him into the truck while he’s still in a daze."


The man thinks about it for a moment and then asks, “Hey, what’s the shotgun for?”


“Oh, right,” says Harry, “occasionally when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes back. If I fall, shoot the damn dog!”





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Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.


“Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”


“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.


Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”


“Absolutely not,” he said.


“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”


“Season’s more than half over,” he said.




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One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.


As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”


Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.


The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”


Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”


The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren’t you a police officer?”


And again Mike replied yes.


The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”





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An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.


So, he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.


He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”


“How did you know?” he asks.


“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”





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These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies, he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah," said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board!"





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An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."


"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.


"Do you want to write your will?"


"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."





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Three women are about to be executed. One is a brunette, one is a redhead and one is a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.


She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."


Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!"


Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.


The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.


She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."


The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"


Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.


By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.


She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."


The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"






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This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please, barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."


"Well thank you, sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.


Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."


The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"


The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.


Twenty minutes later the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."


"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.


"Not likely," slurs the guy, "You get nasty when you drink!"





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An extremely drunk fellow decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.


Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.


Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.


"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."


"Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy.


"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"






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As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.


Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.


In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"




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Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boasts, "If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving V32 instead of V8, our cars would get 5,000 miles to the gallon and the top speed would be mach seven."


The chairman of GM thinks about it for a moment and replies, "Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes four times a day?"





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A dimwitted blonde bombshell walks into an airplane and sits in the first-class section. Upon sitting down a stewardess asks to see her boarding pass and informs her that she only has a coach ticket.


The blonde says, “I’m a cute looking blonde and I’m flying first class.”


The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta. The blonde then retorts, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class.”


Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening. The blonde tells him, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class to Atlanta.”


The captain thinks about it for a moment and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin.


Puzzled, the stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.


”It was simple,” he replied, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Atlanta.”






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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.


“I’m 90 years old,” he says.


“Ninety!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”


“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”





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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."


"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."


Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"





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