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An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.


“Where are you going?” his wife asked.


“I’m going to the doctor,” he replied.


“Why?” she asked. “Are you sick?”


“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”


So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.


“Where are you going?” the old man asked.


“I’m going to the doctor too,” she replied.


“Why?” he asked.


“If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”





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A young blonde came running in tears to her father.


“Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”


“I did? What did I tell you?” asked the father.


“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”


“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “There must be some mistake.”


“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds.'”





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Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.


A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”


“We don’t have any,” replied the first fisherman.


“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.


“But officer,” replied the second fisherman, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”


The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.


“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.”


And with that, the Game Warden left.


As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the first fisherman, said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!”





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A man complained to his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5:00 in the morning.”


“What is she doing?” the pal asked.


“Waiting for me to get home.”




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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.


The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”


The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”


The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asks.


“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.


The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”


“No, I did not!” says the drunk again.


Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!”


The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”





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A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the newspaper every morning."


Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."


"That’s true," the wife responded, "But we’ve never even subscribed to any papers!"






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There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste," he made his way down to the empty seat.


When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"


The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."


"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss," The other man replied, "May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"


The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."





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A husband said to his wife, "Get your coat on love, it’s time to go to the pub."


"But you NEVER take me out," she replied.


"I’m not," said the husband, "but I’m turning the heating off before I go."





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A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.


"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"


"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.


"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."


"Certainly." And it was done.


"If," said the armless man, "you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer."


The bartender got it.


"You’ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?"


"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner."





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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.


"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."


The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."


"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."


"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."


"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"


"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"






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A Cowboy rides into town and stops at a saloon for a drink. When he finishes his drink, he finds his horse has been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?he yells. No one answers.

Alright, Im gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss aint back outside by the time I finish, Im gonna do what I done in Texas! And I dont like to have to do what I done in Texas!

He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. He saddles up and gets ready to ride out of town.

Before he leaves, the bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go.
What happened in Texas?

The cowboy turns back and says,

I had to walk home.





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Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"




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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."




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A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"






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One summer a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires.

He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way.

She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady.

Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said, "Non! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!"

"Sir," the judge said, "in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "Cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent on my fingers, cuntscent on my mustache, hi got her cuntscent everywhere!"




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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"





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Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!"

Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him spend himself quicker than ever.

The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."





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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is usually the husband.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to
take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, riding motorcycles,
fishing, always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short
time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.



When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.






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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics ...that they would like to take back:



1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.


2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.


3 Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.


4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing ...but none of them really that serious.


5 Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.


6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.


7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.


8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.


And # 9 is ................






Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?


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Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.




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