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Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.

"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Ernie junior. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"

Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."




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Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?"

"Wear an old dress."




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Thks.


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Comments pls.
Do u like my jokes?




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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."





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There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"





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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE!!"




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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'




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TAURUS: Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.

GEMINI: Gemini's are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

CANCER: Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.

LEO: Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.

VIRGO: Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

LIBRA: Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.





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SCORPIO: Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

SAGITTARIUS: Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

CAPRICORN: Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

AQUARIUS: Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

PISCES: Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

ARIES: Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.




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Can I send you 2 eggs in the morning everday pls.
Hate boiling them.




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The ultimate bundle in home entertainment! ME1 includes 96 digital TV channels, top-of-the-range 5Mbps Broadband connection and a Telephony service that is designed to generate considerable savings when compared to other competing offers in the market.

Melita Connect Digital TV:

96 channels of home entertainment
61 digital radio channels
Electronic Programme Guide
Onvol Sonic Internet:

5Mbps connection speed
30GB download limit
5 e-mail accounts
Dynamic IP address
hello100 Telephony:

100 minutes of calls per month to the GO fixed line network
Free unlimited hello-to-hello calls
Per second billing on all outgoing calls
Melita Connect Channel Listing
100 Promotion Channel
101 TVM
102 NET TV
103 One TV
104 E22
105 Smash TV
106 Weather & Info Channel
107 ITV Shopping
109 Family TV Network

150 Rai Uno
151 Rai Due
152 Rai Tre
153 Rete 4
154 Canale 5
155 Italia 1
156 La 7
200 Extreme Sports
201 Eurosport
202 Eurosport 2
203 ESPN Classic 1
204 ESPN Classic 2
205 Sailing Channel
206 Chasse et Peche
207 NASN
208 Motors TV
209 Poker Channel

251 TV Moda
252 Zone Club
253 Zone Reality
254 BBC Prime
255 MGM Channel
256 TCM
257 TCM 2
258 E! Entertainment
259 Granada UKTV
260 Hallmark Channel
261 Paramount Comedy
262 LIVING
263 Fashion TV
264 F MEN
265 The Style Network
266 Wine TV
300 TV5 Monde
301 TVE Internacional
302 Deutsche Welle
303 RTL II
304 MBC
305 Al Jazeera

350 EWTN
351 Sat 2000

400 BBC World News
401 Euronews
402 CNN International
403 Sky News
404 Bloomberg
405 CNBC
406 Arab News Network
407 France 24 in English
408 France 24 in French


450 Discovery Channel
451 Discovery World
452 Discovery Science
453 Discovery Travel & Living
454 National Geographic Channel
455 Nat Geo Wild
456 The History Channel
457 The History Channel +1
458 Travel Channel
459 The Biography Channel
460 Animal Planet

500 Disney Channel
501 Nickelodeon
502 Cartoon Network
503 Cartoonito
504 Cartoon Network Too
505 Boomerang
506 Boomerang +1
507 Trouble
508 bebe tv
509 Jetix


550 MTV
551 MTV Two
552 MTV Hits
553 MTV Dance
554 MTV Music
555 TRACE
556 VH1
557 VH1 Classic
558 Mezzo
750 Roma Channel
751 Milan Channel
752 Inter Channel
753 Juventus Channel
754 Chelsea TV
755 Real Madrid TV


I have this package from a cable provider,and I pay Euro 56 a month.


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A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says, "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her.

Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said, "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed.

Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."





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A little guy, Stephen, without a great deal of sense was telling his friend that he couldn't get a girl.

His friend, Mike asked, "Man, aren't you rich? Don't you have all kinds of money?"

Stephen said, "Yeah, I got th' money. I just can't get none."

Mike said, "Well, all you need to do is buy a boat. Women LOVE boats! You buy a boat, ask a girl if she wants a boat ride, take her twenty miles out, cut off the engine, and tell her to put out or swim. Then you come back and tell me how it went."

Stephen said, "Well, that seems like a good idea t' me!"

He went out the next day and bought a big boat, put it in the harbor, and waited. Finally a girl came by and looked at his boat.

He said, "Y-y-you wanna go fer a boat wide wi' me?"

She thought he was kind of dumb, but she LOVED boats. She went.

He drove her twenty miles out, pulled out the key and said, "Y-y-you g-g-got to p-p-put out, or y-y-you g-g-ot to swim."

She figured, "What the hell?" She dropped her little swimsuit and let him have some.

He was so happy that he tried it again the next day. He sat by his boat; a girl walked by and looked at the boat.

He asked, "Y-you w-wanna go fer a boat wide wi' me?"

She LOVED boats, and she decided to go.

He took her twenty miles out, took out the key, and said, "Y-you gotta p-put out or swim!"

She didn't care. She took off her swimsuit and let him have some.

The next day he was cocky! A little gal came by in a swimsuit that was made of less cotton than there is in the top of an aspirin bottle.

He saw her look at the boat and said, "Hey, Bitch! Wanna go fer a boat wide w' me? Don't make no damn difference t' me!"

She jumped into the boat and he took her twenty miles out, jerked out the key, and said, "Put out or swim!"

She dropped her little swimsuit and damn the STINK! The smell was so bad he had to cover his head.

He said, "Whew! Never mind! Put that swimsuit back on and don't get none of that on me!"

She reached into her pocketbook and took out a pistol, aimed it at his head, and said, "Eat it or swim."

When Stephen was telling Mike about it, the goofy guy's friend said, "Oh, my God! What did you do?"

Stephen answered, "You didn't hear about no guy drownin' out there, did you?"






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At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.

He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."




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The abc's of ex-lovers

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.

B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.





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You're not sure of:

THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes."

THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide."

THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."

THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again."

THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"





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Hi Everyone,
It was late but it was worth it.
Thanks for all you lovely people,had a nice time after work.
Hope to meet you all soon.
Thanks for the invite.
Have a nice week.
Hugs and kisses to ladies.
And kicks on the BUMS to gentlemen.
EXCLUDING LAGOONA.




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Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.




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A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay, but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."





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