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Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"






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It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"




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William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."


"Mildred, she's a prostitute."


"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?


"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.


"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.


"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.


William asked, "How much do you charge?"


"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."


William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."


Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."


"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."


William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."


At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"






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A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."


The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell because the young couple hadn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith?"


"Yes," she says.


You're a month overdue, you know!"


"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.


"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.


"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"


"Absolutely."


"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.


"What's going on here? You have it on file, that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"


"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."


"PAY you? And if I refuse?"


"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."


"And what would my wife do then?"


"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."





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One day a man and his wife were walking around the mall when they came across one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.


"Well," says his wife, "go ahead." He chuckles to himself and figures, why not? He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.


"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and an absolutely great lover!"


"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong too!"





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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."


On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."





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Ivana has been married to Bart for a while now, yet she is so horny that every time her husband goes away on a business trip, she invites not one, not two, but three men to come over and play hide the snake.


One time when her husband was leaving for a business trip, she had three men lined up to come over right away. However, this time Bart forgot his passport at home so he had to rush back as fast as he could.


When Ivana heard the door open, she told all the men to hide somewhere. The first guy hid under the bed, the second in the closet and the third out on the balcony.


Bart walks into the room and sees his wife standing naked and asks, "Ivana? Why are you naked?"


She immediately claims that she was changing into her PJs for a quick nap. But then Bart hears something under the bed. He finds the first guy under the bed and exclaims, "Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here???"


The guy pulls a fast one and says "I'm a carpenter, and your wife sent for me to come and fix the bed... it's fine now."


Bart sighs and says, "Okay, how much do I owe you?"


Bart gives the man $20, as he requested, and tells him to get the hell out of his sight.


He then opens up the closet to get his passport from the drawer and sees yet another guy.


"Who the hell are you???" he shouts.


"Your wife sent me to come and fix the closet because it had some loose hinges on the inside," he proclaims.


Bart just sighs it off again and says, "Okay, here's $20, now get the hell out of my sight!"


While all this is going on, the man outside on the balcony is looking through the window and all he sees is Ivana's husband giving these guys some money.


So wanting his share as well, he barges through the balcony door blurting, "I was sleeping with her too! I was sleeping with her too!"





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A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride immediately called her mother.


"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.


"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"


"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"


"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"


"Darling, baby, you must tell me what's making you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words."


Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama... words like dust, wash, iron, cook..."







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Three men -- a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer -- are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek, they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp.


As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."


The hardware engineer goes first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.


The software engineer is next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.


Last, but not least, it's the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.





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The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"


The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"


The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"


The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"





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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. On one wet and lusty day, she was in bed with her lover when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.


"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to him. "Jump out the window. My husband's home early!"


"I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!" came the reply from beneath the sheets.


"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems."


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running alongside the others about -- 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.


"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.


"Oh yes," he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."


Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"


"Oh, yes," he answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"


Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"


"Only if it's raining."







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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.


"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. We were having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."


The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You're lying! You've been playing golf!"





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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.


She answered the phone crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"


"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"


She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!'"





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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.


"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."





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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.


"What is your name?" was the first thing he asked the new guy.


"John," the new guy replied.


The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"


The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."


"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."





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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops, when they decide to hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags.


The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it, she says "meow," and the cop confirms that it is just a cat.


The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it and she says "woof." The cop says that it is just a dog.


The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it, and she says in her sweetest voice, "POTATO."





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Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.


Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.


Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.


One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"





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A young pregnant mother was trying to explain to her little girl how she became pregnant. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took an egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg.


Then the little girl asked her mother, "So, if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there? Does Mommy swallow it?"


The little girl's mother replied, "She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress."





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A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.


So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She says nothing and ignores the remark.


A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.


Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."





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A businessman walked into a New York bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.


Everythng checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove it into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the 5,000 dollars and the interest, which came to $15.00.


The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”


The business man replied: “Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”





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