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Beam me up Scotty




Three Women: click here to read the entire thread »

> THREE WOMEN,
>
>
> TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY
> THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
>
> THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM, AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
> THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
> "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.
> "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO
> HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE
> A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
> TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
> THE BATHROOM.
> SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
> FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
>
>
> "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!



Three Women: click here to read the entire thread »

Where everyone's problems starts is the definition of Relationship. Now this is just my opinion, and opinions are like buttholes everyone has one.. And by me saying this I'm saying it in General.
( majority ) as I feel.
Women feel the need for a " relationship " or "In Love " in order not to fell guilty about having sex with someone they desire to have sex with. ( Key words here someone they DESIRE )
Then on the other hand a Man does not need to feel the need for " relationship " or "In Love " in order to have sex. ( No guilt what so ever ) Now with that said I'm not saying this applies to everyone just the majority.
I fell the majority of men will tell a woman what ever it takes
( I LOVE YOU ) to get to have sex.
If the woman desires him in the first place, its easy for her to take this at face value and get involved. Later to find out she is getting hurt.
Men on the other hand want " SEX" the words . I love you only means he's going to have trouble getting out of this " Relationship " without hurting feelings, when the new wears off and he needs to find the excitement of " new " again.
I base this knowledge on observation, of the sexes through out my life. Seeing the majority of males and females act in this manor.
I'm throwing this out to see where it goes. And I WILL NOT REPLY FURTHER ON THE MATTER !


Relationship has 2 definitions Mens And Womens. : click here to read the entire thread »

Now I dont care who you are that _hit was funny..


If Blonde Jokes offend u DONT OPEN: click here to read the entire thread »

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers
>

>An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some
>months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
>confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>

>A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
>withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
>inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
>the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to
>be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
>

>The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
>you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able
>to work something out."
>

>The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
>behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
>

>Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
>microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
>please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
>"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
>anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
>

>With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
>at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
>


>Without flinching, she smiled and said, ( I love this bit
>)................. "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for
>that too." Classic!


Rude Customers: click here to read the entire thread »

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the churches marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China".

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands. Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph replied, "I'm going to go back and get her."




50th Wedding Anniversary: click here to read the entire thread »

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it --why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in




If Blonde Jokes offend u DONT OPEN: click here to read the entire thread »

Good question but I have no idea..


JesUs & U : click here to read the entire thread »

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney ( CBS )
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few resons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, " What are you thinking ? " She doesnt care what you think! If a woman over 40 doesnt want to watch the game, she doesnt sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and its usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course , if you deserve it, they wont hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what its like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You dont ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, its not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress. Ladies I apologize. For all those men who say, " Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? " here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!


Women over 40: click here to read the entire thread »

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She
grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got
on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning
ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't
recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle
of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."



Bigger Boobies and weenie's : click here to read the entire thread »

JesUs & U
> >
> > Each time U pray, you'll see it's true,
> > You can't spell JesUs and not include U.
> >
> > You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
> > For U, He was born; that's why He came.
> >
> > And His great love for U is the reason He died.
> > It even takes U to spell crUcified.
> >
> > Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
> > He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?
> >
> > The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
> > and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.
> >
> > When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,
> > He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.
> >
> > "Go into the world and tell them it's true
> > That I love them all - Just like I love U."

> >
> > So many great people are spelled with a U,
> > Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?
> >
> > It all depends now on what U will do,
> > He'd like them to know,
> > But it all starts with U.



JesUs & U : click here to read the entire thread »

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5.! ENTERTA INMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.. A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



Eight Words Wiith Two Meaning: click here to read the entire thread »

Its been brought to my attention that the first 9 months of a man's life is spent trying to get out....
And the rest of his life is spent trying to get back in..
Is there any truth to this?


Any good men left?: click here to read the entire thread »

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat Disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?", and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible behind.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a Telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?"

As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

I trust you enjoyed this.Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for...



College Grad: click here to read the entire thread »

4th Marriage

> >
> > A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told
> > the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
> > wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what
> > type and color dress are you looking for?"
> >
> > The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The
> sales
> > clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way,
> but
> > gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are
> > being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if
> you
> > know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
> >
> > "Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
> directness,
> > "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe
it
> > or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time
> > bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he
died
> > as we were checking into our hotel.
> >
> > My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo
on
> > our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately
and
> > never spoke to each other again."
> >
> > "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
> >
> > "That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for four
> > years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
> going
> > to be."




4th marriage: click here to read the entire thread »

"So you would like to interview me?" God asked.

"If you have the time" I said.

God smiled. "My time is eternity."
"What questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What surprises you most about humankind?"

God answered...
"That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again."

"That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health."

"That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future."

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived."

God's hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons
you want your children to learn?"

"To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved."

"To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others."

"To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness."

"To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them."

"To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least."

"To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings."

"To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently."

"To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
"Just know that I am here... always."


Interview with God: click here to read the entire thread »

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician.


Blindness: click here to read the entire thread »

My God I just thought it was funny.. Didnt mean to start anything..
geeeeze..


Why Men Cheat: click here to read the entire thread »

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, “but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"

And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans
that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are
too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse
my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I
also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear
because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'


Why Men Cheat: click here to read the entire thread »

What are the plans for your future ?: click here to read the entire thread »