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All teens rebel. The mother is her mother. If the teen wants to know she will ask. Telling her should only be done out of love not as tool to get here back in shape.

thanks.i think she is just scared to lose her.

So a normal 14 year old is what we have here.

Her mother needn't worry. If the daughter wants to know, as NMP said, then she will ask.

There is never a wrong time for her daughter to ask. And her mother should be prepared for that, the agency which handled the adoption should be able to give her some guidelines.

~~~As an adoptee I must say, this is far more complicated than dealing with a rebellious teen.
Some adopted children feel betrayed when they learn of their adoption from someone other than their parents. It hurts to learn that something soooo personal about you is known by others,something you yourself didn't know.And worse, is that the people you love are "hiding" it from you. It makes you feel as if there's something wrong with you.
Yes,most teens rebel, but this secret could be making the situation harder for both of them. She needs to tell her daughter. Sometimes there is never going to be a right time or place, but it must be done.

Best of luck to your friends.

Good advice.

I also think it is not the message, it is the deliverance of the message.

If the mother approaches her daughter, then she may rebel even more and refuse to deal with it. Who knows?

I know how a child I know has dealt with it and it was nothing short of amazing to meet his brith mother and feel loved, his adoptive parents supported him hugely when he requested to meet his birth mother.

Completely agree, I would hate to hear it from someone else.

All teenagers rebal in their teens, it's part of growing up and learning to become adults. From the age of 14 til about 19 i loved my daughter unconditionally, but i did not always like her attitude or some of the things she did.

If I found out from a third party that I was adopted ,I would be pissed.I have known since I was 5 that I was adopted.Now that the cat is out of the bag the mother needs to sit down with her daughter and answer any questions the daughter may have about the circumstances of her adoption.Personally I think the earlier you tell a child,the better.I always felt special.Good luck to your friend.

I was a caseworker for 5years in the Juvenile Justice System. I am also a mother of 2 boys. 19yrs old and 4. In my experience,kids only want honesty,they crave it. When parents are not honest,children feel they are betrayed.Yes you need to be age appropreiate in what you discuss,but she is 14 and old enough to understand adoption,sex,relationships,all that life is about.
Her rebellion is just that,rebellion of a 14 year old! she does need to tell her but in a positive way,and not make it seem like she is telling her to stop her from rebelling,she is telling her because she loves her! There also needs to be a Q&A,where her daughter is allowed to ask her own questions,so,at the same time,mom needs to be prepared,when she decides to let her know,which needs to be soon,she will need to be able to answer all her questions.Counseling is a major part of this situation also. Sometimes a mediator can help to be objective and guide them thru the process. Call the local Family and Childrens Aide,the State offers many free services to families. Good Luck.

I think she should tell her... Even if the teen flips out later in life that teen will realize that greatness that was in her adopted mother.

I agree, she should tell her. She is old enough now to know and hopefully understand. I can only imagine how hard it would be to tell her... it makes me nervous just thinking how you would tell someone something like this. ...but she needs to know before she gets too old, and resents her. She shouldn't lose the daughter because she still is a minor, and the adopted mother is still the guardian. Just be as gentle as possible... I'm guessing.

This adopted daughter needs to know the truth. The sooner the better. Nobody likes to live a lie. The right time is now!

I was 13 when I found out that my father was in fact my step father. It was a shock. Your friend is going to have to accept the consequences if there are any, and deal with it and manage it the best she can. She should have not waited so long.

I experienced a similar situation, just speaking from experience.

I think she should have always come cleen about the adoption. Such things found out later in life can have profound effects.

I agree that she should tell her daughter in a supportive way dont keep it from her as it might cause resentment later on.

I found out i was adopted when i was 17 and because my (adopted) mother was angry and subsequently yelled it at me in her anger... needless to say i went right off the rails shortly thereafter..
I do believe that if i had been told as soon as i was able to understand and not in the heat of anger, things would of been different...

The truth will set you free,but what's the truth to one person,might not be truth to another.

Thanks guys for all your advice..i know that my friend should tell her daughter.it is just hard for her.because she has the baby when she was one day old and all this time she never thought of her daughter as adopted.that is why it took her a long time to decide to tell.but you are right she has the right to know.i guess the way to say it should be with all the love she has for her daughter.I just pray for her daughter not to take it against her adopted mother..because she really love her and that her adopted daughter will not go on the wrong path for knowing it.

I think the girl is old enough to know the truth, as far as the rebellion goes, have the mom kick her ass when she needs it, once you let the child take over it only gets worse

yeah speaking of being rebellious..i have no idea what to tell my friend..never been a parent before..i think being a parent is the hardest job of all but also a rewarding one.so any advice how to handle a "starting to be rebellious kid"like she donot want to focus on her school and always hangs out with friends even late night on weekdays?

Teenagers should be thrown out of the house and forced to get a job and support themselves while they still know everything!

I have to older brothers ,that are half brothers....I didnt know this ...they had there real fathers last name...kept asking my parents why do they have a different last names...My father had to adopt & change there names.....all was good...then listening to a when little I heard did you tell Dona ...you had to change her last name also....I was a love child....I flipped out .....until they sat me down with my brothers & explained then I understood...but at first I didnt & was very very hurt and confused wish I would have known earlier would have been easier....good luck





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