JimNastics: Grieving widow faces uphill legal battle against President
WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of shit.
"Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs. Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."
The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has taken its toll.
"Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like I've aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."
Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she experienced while watching the President casually assassinate her husband during the live broadcast.
"It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening shit for the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw Bob there, and of course I was pretty excited. He started waving at me, and then, all of a sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed smashed across the back of Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree peripheral vision and hundreds of eye facets, it was impossible to look away."
Ever since the incident, Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz said she had been trying to piece her life back together.
"I just get paralyzed wondering how I'm going to raise my larvae for the next six days, alone, without any kind of support," she said. "Most days I just end up on the clung to the ceiling, numb and crying, eating a rancid bowl of Ben & Jerry's."
Breaking down, an emotionally distraught Vvzzvzwwzzz was comforted by PETA President Ingrid Newkirk and ACLU President Nadine Strossen. The two groups announced they will file an amicus brief in the case and file a separate class action suit against the insecticide, flyswatter and pest strip industries, seeking over 1 million metric tons of compensatory shit on behalf of 200 billion Fly-Americans.
"The President's treatment of the Fly community has been extremely disappointing," said Newkirk. "He almost seemed to relish his bloodthirsty attack on Mr. Vvzzvzwwzzz. It's obvious he's in the pocket of Big Manure."
University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds said Vvzzvzwwzzz v. Obama is likely to raise several thorny constitutional issues.
"The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said. "For example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a civil suit? Can he give himself immunity? How does this effect the rights of cooties and crab lice? Also, just how completely batshit insane is PETA?"
Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's formidable legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursuit it all the way to the Supreme Court.
"If Mr. Obama thinks he can shoo me away with his legal briefs and his rolled-up New York Times, then he is sadly mistaken," said an angry Vvzzvzwwzzz. "He has no idea how persistent and annoying I can be. I'm in this for the long haul. All the way till July, if I'm still alive."
"Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz is likely to end up spending millions in legal fees, with an unknown probability of success. Even if she prevails, the ACLU and PETA lawyers will eat 40% of her shit settlement in contingency fees," he said.
"PETA has been very generous in relocating my family to a welcoming new neighborhood filled with filthy, stoned, slow-reflexed vegans, but we still need money for court costs," she said. "Help meee-eee! Help meee-ee-eee-eee!"
