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OK, my friends. You know my heart better than most people who know me, other than my best friends. And I already know what they will say. But I want to hear from you.

You have seen me write about a man that I love deeply, have for many years, and that slowly progress is being made. And that he isn't ideal for me by any means. He is actually totally the opposite of what would be good for me. And the reality is that I don't see him making time for me, or us truly being able to have a real relationship. I don't see us going much further than we are now. I will always love him, and when he dies, I will bleed inside for a long time. Giving up on us will make me bleed as well, whether I am in another relationship or not. I know...I bled during my last one, despite my strong love for my late husband. I have been in the situation of having my heart love two men strongly before with him being one of them. My precious Blue Eyes...a man who loves me for who I am in every way, and knows me well. And who I know well...which always manages to surprise him.

It's not the heart disease or the diabetes, or even the fact that he doesn't take care of his health. And it's not the ED. What is making me face this decision is his alcoholism and the way he faces life. I need someone who can remain positive and love life, regardless of hardship. Someone who can stand by me. And he is not that man.

There are two men in my life right now that live locally that are those types of men, and who talk, and who want to spend time with me. Men who want a relationship. Right now, both are only friends. And maybe nothing more will develop with either of them...but it means that there are others like them out there. Men who aren't afraid of life, who can handle loss and pain without getting to the point of stumbling-almost-blind drunk every day.

I have lived with one alcoholic. I know what they're like...and he was a good one, not a violent one, just like Blue Eyes. He wasn't like this when we met five years ago. He drank pop during the week because he drives a truck locally. He only drank alcohol on weekends...and never whiskey, wine or mixed drinks, just beer. And he knew when to quit. What changed him? The loss of his sister, and my relationship with my late husband. That was a hard year for him. He worsened further with the death of his mother last year. This is how he has handled the hardships of life. To withdraw, to stop eating well, to drink more and to no longer care about living.

Yet I love him. There's a good man inside with a big heart that hurts so much. But I can't heal it for him. I can hold him, and let him lean on me if he will, and love him. But when he needs that most, he shuts me out. (And no, he hasn't now.)

We have an opportunity to go away to the mountains in two weeks to a camp. I have wanted nothing more for so long...but I don't know that it will make any difference.

I know what I would tell me. I'm reading my words as I write them. But it's not as easy from here...this is my heart that's involved, and it's a big heart with the capacity for so much love. A tender heart that takes in strays. A soft heart that feels the pain of others and just wants to make it go away. But I'm a woman who also needs to be loved freely in return, with someone who isn't afraid to live.