What do you want in a relationship

THREAD AUTHOR

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 9:58 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

This was a question posed to me by a friend recently...and it was a good one. It actually made me pause, because the truth of the answer for me is, "I don't know at this time."

I know that eventually I'd like a true partnership, but right now I'm not sure what I want in my life. For the first time in over 20 years I have a life of my own, and I'm enjoying it. I don't have to ask anyone's permission to have friends over, or to buy something. I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and when I'll be home. (And my dogs don't care...they react the same way whether I'm gone for a few minutes or a few hours.) I don't have to make meals at certain times, and can eat what I want when I want, and clean up when I want as well.

But I miss having loving arms to curl up in at night as I go to sleep, and frequent lovemaking with a person whose body I know well, and who knows mine well. I miss having someone to share the burdens with of running a house. And I miss having someone who does care where I am and what I'm doing because they care about me and my well-being. I'd like, eventually, to find someone with whom to share my life, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that right now...and yet, I do know that I'd like to find a monogamous relationship with someone that such a life could happen in the future.

So, do you know what you truly want right now in a relationship, and what you want for the future?

sweetowen Somewhere, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:06 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

druidess6308: This was a question posed to me by a friend recently...and it was a good one. It actually made me pause, because the truth of the answer for me is, "I don't know at this time."

I know that eventually I'd like a true partnership, but right now I'm not sure what I want in my life. For the first time in over 20 years I have a life of my own, and I'm enjoying it. I don't have to ask anyone's permission to have friends over, or to buy something. I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and when I'll be home. (And my dogs don't care...they react the same way whether I'm gone for a few minutes or a few hours.) I don't have to make meals at certain times, and can eat what I want when I want, and clean up when I want as well.

But I miss having loving arms to curl up in at night as I go to sleep, and frequent lovemaking with a person whose body I know well, and who knows mine well. I miss having someone to share the burdens with of running a house. And I miss having someone who does care where I am and what I'm doing because they care about me and my well-being. I'd like, eventually, to find someone with whom to share my life, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that right now...and yet, I do know that I'd like to find a monogamous relationship with someone that such a life could happen in the future.

So, do you know what you truly want right now in a relationship, and what you want for the future?

Dru, that is EXACTLY what I tell my friends when we talk about being alone & what we want.

I enjoy having my life to myself, usually. I enjoy my freedom of coming & going as I please, usually. I still cook myself good meals, because I'm worth it to me. But it does tend to get lonely not having anyone there to talk to (my roommate doesn't count & is usually not home anyway). I miss having someone call just to see how my day went. I miss having someone to hold me or give me kisses. I think I'm getting at a phase in my life where I just want to find someone, but won't just go for anyone. We have to fit together like a puzzle, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, as well as physically. I'm trying not to look anymore, because as the saying goes... he'll come along when I least expect it. But it's been 18 years & I'm still single. It does tend to get old now.

lonelyrk westville, Illinois USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:11 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

druidess6308: This was a question posed to me by a friend recently...and it was a good one. It actually made me pause, because the truth of the answer for me is, "I don't know at this time."

I know that eventually I'd like a true partnership, but right now I'm not sure what I want in my life. For the first time in over 20 years I have a life of my own, and I'm enjoying it. I don't have to ask anyone's permission to have friends over, or to buy something. I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and when I'll be home. (And my dogs don't care...they react the same way whether I'm gone for a few minutes or a few hours.) I don't have to make meals at certain times, and can eat what I want when I want, and clean up when I want as well.

But I miss having loving arms to curl up in at night as I go to sleep, and frequent lovemaking with a person whose body I know well, and who knows mine well. I miss having someone to share the burdens with of running a house. And I miss having someone who does care where I am and what I'm doing because they care about me and my well-being. I'd like, eventually, to find someone with whom to share my life, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that right now...and yet, I do know that I'd like to find a monogamous relationship with someone that such a life could happen in the future.

So, do you know what you truly want right now in a relationship, and what you want for the future?

your top half of your letter is what i like the best.The bottom half i dont miss to much.I dont miss haveing a relationship.I have been single to long ( my choice ).

ali110 karachi, Sindh Pakistan

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:11 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

druidess6308: This was a question posed to me by a friend recently...and it was a good one. It actually made me pause, because the truth of the answer for me is, "I don't know at this time."

I know that eventually I'd like a true partnership, but right now I'm not sure what I want in my life. For the first time in over 20 years I have a life of my own, and I'm enjoying it. I don't have to ask anyone's permission to have friends over, or to buy something. I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and when I'll be home. (And my dogs don't care...they react the same way whether I'm gone for a few minutes or a few hours.) I don't have to make meals at certain times, and can eat what I want when I want, and clean up when I want as well.

But I miss having loving arms to curl up in at night as I go to sleep, and frequent lovemaking with a person whose body I know well, and who knows mine well. I miss having someone to share the burdens with of running a house. And I miss having someone who does care where I am and what I'm doing because they care about me and my well-being. I'd like, eventually, to find someone with whom to share my life, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that right now...and yet, I do know that I'd like to find a monogamous relationship with someone that such a life could happen in the future.

So, do you know what you truly want right now in a relationship, and what you want for the future?

For me ,Marraige is a life time partnership so it is necessary that partner should be mature by mind,sincere and honest to spend a successful life

lakelander Larnaca, Larnaca Cyprus

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:12 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

sweetowen: Dru, that is EXACTLY what I tell my friends when we talk about being alone & what we want.

I enjoy having my life to myself, usually. I enjoy my freedom of coming & going as I please, usually. I still cook myself good meals, because I'm worth it to me. But it does tend to get lonely not having anyone there to talk to (my roommate doesn't count & is usually not home anyway). I miss having someone call just to see how my day went. I miss having someone to hold me or give me kisses. I think I'm getting at a phase in my life where I just want to find someone, but won't just go for anyone. We have to fit together like a puzzle, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, as well as physically. I'm trying not to look anymore, because as the saying goes... he'll come along when I least expect it. But it's been 18 years & I'm still single. It does tend to get old now.

Very well said sweetowen. Mostly what I would have said myself. I haven't been alone nearly as long as you and although it's nice to have the freedom to go where you want when you want I'd much prefer to have to consider someone else's views.

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:22 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

sweetowen: Dru, that is EXACTLY what I tell my friends when we talk about being alone & what we want.

I enjoy having my life to myself, usually. I enjoy my freedom of coming & going as I please, usually. I still cook myself good meals, because I'm worth it to me. But it does tend to get lonely not having anyone there to talk to (my roommate doesn't count & is usually not home anyway). I miss having someone call just to see how my day went. I miss having someone to hold me or give me kisses. I think I'm getting at a phase in my life where I just want to find someone, but won't just go for anyone. We have to fit together like a puzzle, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, as well as physically. I'm trying not to look anymore, because as the saying goes... he'll come along when I least expect it. But it's been 18 years & I'm still single. It does tend to get old now.

Owen, I agree with you about the fitting together like a puzzle. He also has to fit with my life as it is now, or care enough about himself to be heading there, and willing to join me the rest of the way...healthy in mind, body, and spirit. And yet, I'd like it to be someone who understands where I've been before this as well. Like you, I'm looking for someone, but not just anyone. He'll have to be very special.

I just hope it doesn't take me that long, my friend. And I hope you find yours soon.

Ambrose2007 Badger, South Dakota USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:22 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

sweetowen: Dru, that is EXACTLY what I tell my friends when we talk about being alone & what we want.

I enjoy having my life to myself, usually. I enjoy my freedom of coming & going as I please, usually. I still cook myself good meals, because I'm worth it to me. But it does tend to get lonely not having anyone there to talk to (my roommate doesn't count & is usually not home anyway). I miss having someone call just to see how my day went. I miss having someone to hold me or give me kisses. I think I'm getting at a phase in my life where I just want to find someone, but won't just go for anyone. We have to fit together like a puzzle, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, as well as physically. I'm trying not to look anymore, because as the saying goes... he'll come along when I least expect it. But it's been 18 years & I'm still single. It does tend to get old now.

Right, L. What you and D describe re "freedom" versus "companionship" is a common and in most cases unavoidable quandary.

It reduces to fairly simply which you value more, and to what extent. If you value your independent freedom more, you're not ready for an intimate, long-term, committed type of relationship. If you value companionship more, then you might be. And if the values are close...then you're probably in for an interesting roller coaster ride.

I think "freedom" in this context is misleading. It's fundamentally about what one likes in one's life. It's not more "free" to do things by yourself unless you prefer doing them alone. It really comes down to preferring certain activities over others - e.g., preferring not to cook meals on a schedule to eating with another person. If you prefer eating with another person, you'll experience that as being more free than eating by yourself. And so on.

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:24 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

lonelyrk: your top half of your letter is what i like the best.The bottom half i dont miss to much.I dont miss haveing a relationship.I have been single to long ( my choice ).

That's a point I don't want to reach...and yet, though you say that, your username suggests otherwise. If you were happy being single, you wouldn't identify as "lonelyrk". So perhaps you truly would love to find that, but have given up on it, or still carry bitterness within you that makes you reject it even though you desire it. Food for thought.

somechick Cincinnati Ohio, Ohio USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:25 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

I miss having someone there when I need a shoulder to cry on and confide in.Someone to hold me in his strong/loving arms and tell that things will be alright without judging,blaming and slso by making me feel so safe from harm when I'm hurting.Someone to laugh with,cry with and to share the everyday stuff with whether it be good,bad or indifferent.Someone who's my best friend when the other people in my life turn their back on me.

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:27 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

ali110: For me ,Marraige is a life time partnership so it is necessary that partner should be mature by mind,sincere and honest to spend a successful life

Not what do you want in a partner, Ali, but in the relationship with that partner. What does marriage mean to you?

Ambrose2007 Badger, South Dakota USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:31 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

druidess6308: Not what do you want in a partner, Ali, but in the relationship with that partner. What does marriage mean to you?

It might mean what he wants in a partner.

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:32 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

Ambrose2007: Right, L. What you and D describe re "freedom" versus "companionship" is a common and in most cases unavoidable quandary.

It reduces to fairly simply which you value more, and to what extent. If you value your independent freedom more, you're not ready for an intimate, long-term, committed type of relationship. If you value companionship more, then you might be. And if the values are close...then you're probably in for an interesting roller coaster ride.

I think "freedom" in this context is misleading. It's fundamentally about what one likes in one's life. It's not more "free" to do things by yourself unless you prefer doing them alone. It really comes down to preferring certain activities over others - e.g., preferring not to cook meals on a schedule to eating with another person. If you prefer eating with another person, you'll experience that as being more free than eating by yourself. And so on.

I believe right now, the values are close for me, J. I enjoy what I have now, but it's lonely at times too. But I don't want to feel oppressed either...I've been there...so I also enjoy some of the "freedoms" I have enough not to be in a hurry to lose them. Funny thing is, I'd prefer something like not having to cook meals on a schedule, but not having to eat them alone either. (And my dogs at my feet doesn't count.

)

I guess for me at the moment, I'd like to ease into things in a new relationship, not jump into them. I need my space, and I'm accustomed to it now. I also give space well because of having my own need for it.

sweetowen Somewhere, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:35 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

Ya know J, sometimes I wonder if my problem with finding/keeping a relatinoship is the very fact that I HAVE been single for so long. Perhaps I've become stubborn & set in my ways... & don't even realize it. I just know that I won't settle ever again. I did that in my marriage & have to learn from past mistakes.

So, do we become so accustomed to being alone & having freedom that, while we genuinely want someone in our lives, we possibly won't/might not be able to live with someone else again? I've asked myself this very question several times.

rk696969 Springfield, Tennessee USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:39 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

I want to find someone that I don't have to say a word to.... and still they know what your thinking....To be able to look forward to next day with them before it happens.....to be able to look around you and see all that is good in each other !

Ambrose2007 Badger, South Dakota USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:40 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

druidess6308: I believe right now, the values are close for me, J. I enjoy what I have now, but it's lonely at times too. But I don't want to feel oppressed either...I've been there...so I also enjoy some of the "freedoms" I have enough not to be in a hurry to lose them. Funny thing is, I'd prefer something like not having to cook meals on a schedule, but not having to eat them alone either. (And my dogs at my feet doesn't count. )

I guess for me at the moment, I'd like to ease into things in a new relationship, not jump into them. I need my space, and I'm accustomed to it now. I also give space well because of having my own need for it.

Sounds like you're ready for a lighter-style relationship for the moment, D. But I think we both know that you would likely be open to an expansion of that (not being a lightweight person!) when you're convinced your friend is worthy of more, no?

To me it seems clear that people vary in the depth they prefer in a relationship (on a different but relevant subject). For people who prefer depth, the lightweight romantic relationship is not an option. I think it's clear that you're an in-depth relationship kinda gal. So regardless of your cravings for independence, when you begin to bond - assuming that happens - it will be increasingly deeply, drawing you into a more and more intense relationship.

And then I have a feeling that having space and eating when you want may not seem quite so appealing...

Ambrose2007 Badger, South Dakota USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:44 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

sweetowen: Ya know J, sometimes I wonder if my problem with finding/keeping a relatinoship is the very fact that I HAVE been single for so long. Perhaps I've become stubborn & set in my ways... & don't even realize it. I just know that I won't settle ever again. I did that in my marriage & have to learn from past mistakes.

So, do we become so accustomed to being alone & having freedom that, while we genuinely want someone in our lives, we possibly won't/might not be able to live with someone else again? I've asked myself this very question several times.

Well, inertia and habits do play an undeniable role, L, and they both increase over time. I think it's probably harder to join up with someone romantically in proportion to one's alone time, but that could be eased or made more problematic depending on how well your long-term relationships have gone. If they were good, then you have both a template for making it work - and the incentive for that - even if you've been alone for awhile. If you haven't had good long-term relationships, then it would, I think, be doubly difficult to break out of one's solitary mold.

sweetowen Somewhere, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:52 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

Ambrose2007: Well, inertia and habits do play an undeniable role, L, and they both increase over time. I think it's probably harder to join up with someone romantically in proportion to one's alone time, but that could be eased or made more problematic depending on how well your long-term relationships have gone. If they were good, then you have both a template for making it work - and the incentive for that - even if you've been alone for awhile. If you haven't had good long-term relationships, then it would, I think, be doubly difficult to break out of one's solitary mold.

Good point! So you're basically saying that sub-consciously, we could be frightened by past relationships & not wanting to repeat habits. That could be. I've had 2 long-term relationships since my marriage. One was a pretty good relationship & we've talked since then. He was a very nice guy. We just wanted different things out of our relationship. My second one was pretty emotionally abusive. And no, I will never tolerate that again. But out of all the single men I've run into, I'm just surprised that no more have worked out.

I was just telling a friend this weekend that it's so funny how, when I left my ex-husband in '91, I thought it'd be sooo easy to find someone new, get married, maybe have another child & move on. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.

lonelyrk westville, Illinois USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:53 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

druidess6308: That's a point I don't want to reach...and yet, though you say that, your username suggests otherwise. If you were happy being single, you wouldn't identify as "lonelyrk". So perhaps you truly would love to find that, but have given up on it, or still carry bitterness within you that makes you reject it even though you desire it. Food for thought.

Like i said i dont miss it to much.I did not say i dont miss it at all.read it again.

Ambrose2007 Badger, South Dakota USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:54 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

sweetowen: Good point! So you're basically saying that sub-consciously, we could be frightened by past relationships & not wanting to repeat habits. That could be. I've had 2 long-term relationships since my marriage. One was a pretty good relationship & we've talked since then. He was a very nice guy. We just wanted different things out of our relationship. My second one was pretty emotionally abusive. And no, I will never tolerate that again. But out of all the single men I've run into, I'm just surprised that no more have worked out.

I was just telling a friend this weekend that it's so funny how, when I left my ex-husband in '91, I thought it'd be sooo easy to find someone new, get married, maybe have another child & move on. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.

Hmmm... Why do you think that's the case, L?

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Mon Nov 2, 2009 10:55 AM CST : What do you want in a relationship?

Ambrose2007: Sounds like you're ready for a lighter-style relationship for the moment, D. But I think we both know that you would likely be open to an expansion of that (not being a lightweight person!) when you're convinced your friend is worthy of more, no?

To me it seems clear that people vary in the depth they prefer in a relationship (on a different but relevant subject). For people who prefer depth, the lightweight romantic relationship is not an option. I think it's clear that you're an in-depth relationship kinda gal. So regardless of your cravings for independence, when you begin to bond - assuming that happens - it will be increasingly deeply, drawing you into a more and more intense relationship.

And then I have a feeling that having space and eating when you want may not seem quite so appealing...

Only you can come into my thread and analyze me so accurately, my friend. And that's not why I started this.

But you're right...I believe my uncertainty stems from the fact that what I desire right now goes against my nature, and that what you described is what I need, a relationship that becomes increasingly deep over a period of time, because my innate self requires depth.

However, I believe that there can be space within that depth. What I truly need now is something different from anything I've had in the past, and with a slower start than there's been before.

Now, enough about me...on to everyone else. Take it and run, people.

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