Posted: Oct 25, 2006, 1:03 PM CST
In response to:
I completely agree with this, and it's not mentioned here, but I disagree, to a large extent, with what many people seem to do, and that's have a "blame the victim" mentality. Now, in situations where, say, a woman is being abused and she stays in it and keeps inventing excuses why she can't get out? Hmm...I'd have to question that.
But in a situation where you are a victim of someone else's wrongdoing, whether or not you, in some form or fashion, may have "contributed" to it, I still say the overwhelming majority of the blame and accountability lies with the offender, not the victim. To say that a victim is somehow responsible for the offending actions of another is to, at least in part, defend those actions. And that's just incomprehensible, to me.
You have to understand the dynamics of a relationship with an alcoholic/abuser. In the beginning if you are young and naive, you tell yourself 'he will change because he loves me'. As time goes on, you buy a house together, have children together, invest in a business together..........you then tell yourself 'he will change because we have a family now and he has more responsibilities'. You also feel a strong responsibility to your children to give them the benefit of being raised by both parents. In the meanwhile, you have gone from a young vibrant woman who is self assured and ambitious to a co-dependant enabler who is too ashamed to admit what really goes on behind those closed doors and now believes what she has been told for a number of years......that she is worthless, stupid, and unable to make it on her own. You make one excuse after another. So you stay......even when your close friends and family (if you haven't already deliberately alienated yourself from them) begin to question the bruises, why you rarely see them anymore and why you always seem so down in the dumps.
I take full responsibility for those choices I made before I finally divorced him 12 years ago after 14 years of marriage. I also take responsibility for the damage it caused to my children. But like their mother, they are all very strong willed and even though now in their adult lives it sometimes tries to creep back up on them, they fight it and find ways to not allow themselves to be the victims of their childhood.
Right or wrong, it happens a lot more than people realize. My only advice to women who are going through this kind of terror right now is to find someone......your minister, a close friend or relative, there are tons of organizations and counseling willing to help you to break the cycle and find within yourself the courage to make a change for yourself as well as your children. Alanon was a life saver for me and my children. Until then...my prayers are with all of you.
