Connecting Singles^® Forums100% Free Online Dating

There is only one rule here: you must post a joke


Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic insomoniac?


He spent all night awake wondering whether there was a "dog"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''

Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

‘‘what does that tell you?''

Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent.''

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to East!" he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"

Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"

Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache to North!"

"What do we do now?" his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to South!"

Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. "What do you mean "WE", White Man?"

A little girl goes into rhe barbershop with her dad. While dad is getting his haircut, she sits on a chair in the corner eating a twinkie. The barber sees her and says, "Hey little girl, you're going to get hair on your twinkie."

She looks up and smiles and says,"I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

I'm the joke.

Just in case you've had a rough day (or week) , here's an 8 step stress
management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. It
really works...

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See? You're smiling already

~~~What did the storm say to the coconut tree???



****Hold on to your nuts...this won't be an ordinary blow job.

~~~Awwww...come on guys this is my best joke....

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

He asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex
again is even scarier, so he says OK.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling
incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no
one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, ...Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

Just got this one in:

Top 10 Country and Western songs:


10. "I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine"
9. "I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few."
8. "If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me"
7. "I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'"
6. "Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win"
5. "I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here"
4. "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him"
3. "She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger"
2. "She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer"

And the Number One Country &Western song is...Ta-Da!!!!!
1. "It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long."

Bonus: "How can I get over you when you won't get out from under him?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in

Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the ca r.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

How are a tornado and a women alike?

They both twist and turn when they come and take the house when they go