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Definitely...being an enabler is the worst downfall of many parents. Getting out of the habit and preventing others from becoming the enabler is very difficult if not impossible. There are many people whose lifestyle is to live off of enablers and they never learn any other way.

I've heard people talk about "professional victims". Maybe there are some people just meant to live their lives a certain way.

I just had to blow off some steam. This thread is an ongoing saga in my life. This person is my sister. Maybe that's what makes everything so hard. She's living with my 91 year old father. People that old are set in their ways and my sister is determined to make him follow her rules. He doesn't do anything right in her eyes. She's always snipping at him for this or that. What made my blood pressure go up was that I got dad's credit card bill and on it was a charge for $320 for steaks and seafood. My sister said she "forgot" to tell me about that. I blew up at her. Can you imagine charging that to dad's card? She acted like it was no big deal. Dad already buys all the food in the house. And there she sits.

there is so much that could be said...


im just glad to see you

im sorry you are going thru this
but do your life-do not feel guilty

if you have a durable power of attorney over him
(medical and financial) you might feel better
as far as taking care of him better -protecting him

the only cost is notarizing and then
you let the bank see the original to make a copy for their file-

best sweetie

I do have his power of attorney for things but my sister is living with him up in NJ. It just boils down to her sitting on her butt being a free loader and taking what she can get. I'm always thinking about when dad isn't around anymore, what's to become of her?

There are times when it is not good to give people handouts. You are enabling her in her quest to do nothing. Helping her is not helping her.

Just my opinion, but she is in dire need of councelling.

You are giving away your fears here. She has planned fine. If she is through college , she is obviously intelligent. She knows she can depend on you or someone else to be her meal ticket.

BUT, she is also intelligent enough to know that if the freeloading ends, she will not end up in the streets, because she will either find another sucker to support her or she will actually get off her backside and work.

Anyone used to a lifestyle of $350 meals is not going to eat out of dustbins...........

Get her into councelling , preferably a 12 step program.

I know you are right gingerb but this is hard. I used to think I could handle what life throws at me but sometimes things throw you for a loop. Thank you so much for your comment.

I'm not a Dr.(but I play one in the bedroom). But, it appears to me that there are some mental health issues at work here. I would venture to say that this person suffers from low self esteem and has a poor self image. I haven't read the entire thread, so I don't know if this angle has been discussed, yet. But having worked in the field and now am a bi-polar patient, I have seen many low self esteem issues. Because of severe sexual and physical abuse as a child, Ihave a problem dealing with self esteem. I know what it can do for you.


Just my opinion....of course

She does have low self esteem. She is hard of hearing and I think wearing the hearing aid just draws attention to it for her. She has remarked that she felt God gave her all the problems in the family. Maybe some people can overcome but others just can't seem to pull themselves up. She made a good start with a Masters in Microbiology but that was so long ago.

Instead of scorn that I see from many posters....she should be encouraged to seek professional help. It's never too late to turn things around. Give her encouragement...but not a handout! Inside her is an intelligent woman...and intelligent people don't behave like this. There is a real problem and she should be encouraged to find help for her problems. JMO...of course

From a Christian point of view:

"A person who WILL NOT work let them not eat."

Anyone one who CAN NOT work it is the duty of the family to help them.

The Church is not to be burdened unless they are a widow indeed meaning having no one to help them at all.

You are not required to give to another if it burdens you. It is to be equal not one burdened so another is eased. Equal work too.

---

Taxes paid are to support those unable.

If there was not anyone at all to give to her..........she would find a way to support herself. Remember that.

Out of love do what you will.

It sounds like she needs hope and goals, she has given up inside while wanting better but does not have the drive to fight for it because inside she knows it is able to be done.

She needs self improvement in self esteem, goal setting....etc.....not more skills! She is all ready to travel but no gas in the tank and no direction she wants to go. Becalmed!